Friday, June 19, 2015

Pride and Consequentialism

I've started blogging elsewhere. If you want to follow me there, please email me at the following email and I'll send you the link. In the mean time, I want to keep this blog open and still write about parenting after IF.


I sometimes feel like I'm the worst mother. I lose my patience. I yell. I have to sub-vocally repeat "Do NOT hit her. Do NOT hit her." I'm really not proud of myself at those times. Parenting a toddler should be an olympic sport on the basis of its stamina requirements alone. Parenting more than one toddler at a time makes me want to hit my head against a brick wall. Repeatedly.

But today, I'd rather talk about some of the joy I experience in raising Gummy Girl. I've had some big swells of pride in my daughter and in myself as a mom lately.

First, I feel proud to be a mother. And this may be difficult to read if you are deep in the trenches of infertility, and if so, I'm sorry you are hurting. But I need to write this: I am proud to be a mother. I walk around town with her and I smile to myself. I feel the importance of my role within my bones, and I embrace this role wholeheartedly. At long last, I am a mom. If you haven't yet, I hope you too get to experience these deep, fulfilling emotions soon.

Moreover, I am proud to be HER mom. Of course, I anticipated that any child of mine, and one I had worked so diligently to create, would be someone I would love madly. And guess what: I do! Despite her toddler tyranny (scratching me, throwing food at me, pulling my hair), I think I love her more each day.

I also realize that I am proud of her story, of our story. It's strange to know she may never feel the same, that she may resent me for choosing an anonymous donor and therefor losing the connection to her biological ancestry. In my imagination, I have conversations with an adolescent Gummy about her desperate need to know her donor and not being able to provide her with a name and phone number. I think about how empty a feeling that might be to be cut off from one's biological lineage. But I know the empty feelings I felt when we decided to go to SG for anonymous egg donation. We were lost. We both felt like incomplete human beings in our repeated failures to become parents. We needed to make this happen and here was a method with a high chance of success.

I tend to resolve this imaginary conversation with the undeniable fact of her extraordinary existence: without anonymous egg donation she would not be here. Against all odds, she is here, filled with life. She was given life through unique circumstances. It took her mother and her father, two fertility clinics, two egg donors, a pile of money that both sets of grandparents helped accumulate, and a mountain of hope and love. I am proud of that, people. I deeply am proud of our story, of the persistence it took to bring her into the world. But will she accept this consequentialism, where the end justified the means? Will she ever be filled with reproach for me and the actions I took in bringing her to life?

I don't know, but the end does justify the means as far as Gummy goes. I know this with an unshakable certainty. I love her more than anything or anyone. I am her proud mama.

Hum…you mean someone gave you an egg so
you could make me?


  1. So so much I love about this post. The honesty about the toddler woes and the absolute love for your daughter. I also think about all the people involved in making my boys a reality and while I know they will one day have the option to meet those women should they choose, it's a complicated situation to be born in. I only hope that the loving home and the parents that wished and hoped and cried for them for so many years can make them see that this was exactly how it was supposed to be for all of us. Sending you so much love, Augusta. xoxo

  2. Beautiful post. Right there with you in so many ways (including the yelling, pulling my hair out and reminding myself to chill out). Our kiddos will also not be able to reach out to our anonymous donor. Sometimes I worry about that and I worry if it will create a void for them but I hope and pray that with all the love and knowing how wanted they were that it will be a very small hole if there is one at all. Love this post and thank you for still sharing your story and adorable girl here.

  3. Yes, to all of it. I am proud and also worry. I remember times when I was a teen going through the usual angst that I wished I had never been born. So much drama. LOL I fear hearing those words from Baby Girl because they will cut deep. Show her your pride. Teach it to her. Tell her how happy you are that she is here. Kids learn by what they see. Just keep doing what you are doing. You are doing a great job...even through the Tyranny of the Toddler.

  4. I like your blog! My congrats with your successful de ivf. Your daughter is super cute) I think every mom has such thoughts) I'm not an exception!) But we should control ourselves. To be honest, at first I was completely against de ivf. I thought it’s unnatural and I won’t be able to love a baby of another woman. How stupid I was! This procedure was my only chance to become a mother so I persuaded myself to do it. Now I have no regrets. I look at Sammy and I consider him as my son and no one else's. We had an opportunity to give our doctor list of features we want to see in our donor. We mentioned hair color, nose and face shape, eyes, lips, etc. I should say everyone tells me my son looks like me! We told everyone, even our family, that we had simple ivf. No one can ever tell we used egg donor. Of course I’m grateful to our doctor and that girl, who donated her eggs. I will never forget what they’ve done for us! But I really have no feelings like my son is not genetically related to me or I feel differently toward him. Absolutely no! I love him with my whole heart! As soon as I knew I’m pregnant all my doubts faded away. I carried him, I felt him inside my stomach, I had toxicosis, I sang for him and read fairytales for him, I gave birth to him! He’s my son and only my! We decided we’ll not tell Sammy about egg donor. I think he doesn’t need to know that. I’m his mom and I’ll do everything for him so there will be no need for him to look for donor. We had de ivf in Ukrainian BioTexCom. We had 2 attempts in general. I’ve got pregnant from the first one. The clinic also offers «packages» with 1 or 5 attempts. So we’ve just chosen «package», which suited us the most. Hun, I wish you and your little princes all the best!

  5. Initially when I looked at clinics for embryo donation biotexcom responded very quickly to my queries and had the shortest waiting time. My coordinator called me and gave me all the details of what treatment involved, and answered all the questions I had. She also has very good English so there was no communication barrier at all. This process was a lot easier than I anticipated. All contact made through email and at all times my emails were responded to quickly and thoroughly. And the cost was not too much either. I was sent a treatment plan which was very clear and easy to follow. I was given my transfer date well in advance so I had plenty of time to plan my flights and accommodation. When I attended biotexcom on the day of transfer I was impressed at what a spotlessly clean clinic this is. All the staff was extremely friendly. I met my coordinator who was so friendly and kind and put me at ease before treatment. I spoke to the embryologist and the doctor before treatment. Procedure was very quick and efficient by the doctor performing procedure. After years of infertility treatment I am so glad I made the decision to go with embryo adoption. It is not easy to decide to go to another country and have treatment. I can’t believe how smoothly and stress free this process was. After years of tears and heartache they have helped to make myself and my husband’s dream of having a family come true. I am so grateful!