Sunday, March 29, 2015

Footwear

All my winter boots are good for the garbage. They sort of all crapped out at the same time, mid-February, at a time  when stores are willing to sell you their discounted stock of winter boots if you're a size 6. I'm a size 10.

The hiking boots I'd been wearing as winter boots for years, my hiking career having become a bittersweet memory, need to be re-soled but the leather is cracking, so re-soling = pointless. My really old winter boots....let me just provide you with an image: black suede meets road salt. And the middle-of-the-road Sorrels (tough enough to manage a Canadian winter but decent enough to wear to work) I've been wearing for maybe the last 4 years also need re-soling. They take on water. They look worn and truly, I should not be wearing them to work anymore. Except, see paragraph above.

My shoes are not much better. My everyday work shoes are this pair of italian leather black, mary-jane style shoes I bought in 1995. That's not hyperbole. I've had them worked on several times: I love those shoes and cannot let them go. I bought them while I was still residing in a psychiatric hospital, in treatment for the awful eating disorder that ruled me when I was younger. The shoes represented a new life I was starting. And it was one of elegance, genuineness and strength. No wonder I like to wear those at work. I like to wear my black, upper-calf height riding boots, the ones I bought at Macy's in Seattle, as a treat for finishing writing my dissertation in late fall 2010. I wear those a few times per week. They are starting to wear down in the heal. I have a few pairs of flats, one that are much too worn out to really be wearable at work, and the other one decent, but flats can't be worn with everything. The newest shoes are a sweet pair of Fly London black high healed I-am-a-force-to-be-reckoned-with shoes that I bought to wear to the interview for the job I have now. I like to say that the shoes got me the job. The heels are slightly higher than what I'm comfortable with everyday, and so I have to feel particularly brave or in need of a specific boost in confidence to wear those.

The last paragraph can be summarized into this:

I need new shoes.

And if you think this is a metaphor, you are right on the money. The footwear I already own will come in handy to walk the path ahead. But I am walking on a road I didn't think I would need to travel on, one which is going to require new footwear. And since every crisis/life change requires a soundtrack, I have been playing  this song  on repeat.

There is more I would like to write, but it should probably not be in a public venue. I am wondering about going private with this blog, or leaving it and migrating to another space. I will keep you posted.

22 comments:

  1. Hi! It's Lisa :) I"m still here and reading even though I shut my blog down. Whatever you decide to do... whether it be continue with this blog or write a new one, I would love to continue along with you. I miss my blog and my blog friends and I would miss you and Miss Gummy terribly if I couldnt' follow along anymore! (And ... just for the record, my footwear blows right now too - could have written this post - but I do have one pair of I-am-a-force-to-be-reckoned-with heels that I need a certain amount of bravery to wear but achieve the same confidence boost when I do!) xoxo

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    1. HA! Lisa! I was thinking of you this week, and now you appear in my comment section! YEAH! I hope you four are doing very well. Sending warm hugs. xox

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    2. My ears were burning :) We are doing well... the boys are going to be 4 and 2 at the end of April. I want the time to SLOW DOWN! They are such a joy... Warm hugs to your threesome as well! xoxo

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  2. Well I too would like to continue on with the story of Augusta.

    I've bought three pairs of shoes/boots this year, too. A lot of returning to zappos involved. But finding the right thing sure does make me happy... that too is metaphorical.

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    1. Maybe we could go shoe shopping. I missed my chance when you were in my neck of the woods. Thank you for your comment, dear woman.

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  3. Oh dear...the post on what to do with your blog. I'm here and reading, and missing you. :-) I need to figure out my blog, too. I'm just too lazy. LOL I hope that if you go private I can be on your "list" and if you decide to go elsewhere, please keep us posted. I feel a connection with you and I don't say that lightly. Hope all is well and best of luck with finding your new shoes. :-)

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    1. You would most certainly be on "my list"! We have been through this DE experience together (almost at the same time), and have come out with beautiful daughters. It means a lot that we can stay connected.

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  4. I hope that you'll consider allowing me to be part of your list. Your support has always meant so much to me and I would hate to not get to read your wonderful posts and updates. Wishing you strength and happiness finding the perfect shoes. :)

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    1. Of course, you will be on that list! Suzanne, it has been such an honour to walk on this path with you, and continuing to walk together as we each negotiate motherhood would be wonderful. And I wish we lived closer because I could use your help choosing footwear. You have such a distinguished sense of style.

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  5. Clearly I have a footwear problem as I seem to have a million boots, wish you were my size I'd send you some😃. I know that's not the real issue. Moving on what ever that means is tough. I enjoy reading your blog even if I don't coment much and wish you and your clan health and happiness whatever you decide.

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    1. Nurse Louisa! So glad to read your comment, lovely! How are you? I will post a way to follow me to my new site, and of course, I would love it if you continued to read. Your support has meant a lot to me. Sending warm hugs to you.

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  6. I can't imagine going through what you're going through without writing about it, but that's me, a think through writing type, and I also know how little time you have to write at all, so maybe it's moot. But I HOPE you find a way to write about it in a medium that will give people a chance to support you. So many people care about you. And while that doesn't always make our support USEFUL, I believe it would help to have a virtual community.

    It's a great metaphor. It says so much about you--the way the shoes have meaning and have been cared for and are often a reward for something that deserves, um, a THOUSAND pairs of shoes. I look forward to you selecting a new pair that will symbolize this new period of elegance, genuineness and strength. I look forward to you chucking some of the old ones that can't be saved.

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    1. You have been such a pillar of support, my dearest friend. Thank you.

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  7. Oh dear Augusta. I've been thinking of you, and I'm sorry to hear things are rough. As for the shoes, I still wear those I bought back in Spain, even though they have been falling apart since I arrived here. I can't seem to let go. Also, thanks for the song - I was expecting "These boots are made for walking".
    Hoping you'll find suitable shoes soon, and then the energy to walk the path before you. I'd be honored to read along.

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    1. Oh, my dear CC, I believe there are many things from the past we carry forward for a good reason. Your shoes from Spain included.
      Thanks for your support.

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  8. Oh honey! It's time for some shoe therapy! I hope whatever is going on that you settle in and find your balance. Thinking of you!

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    1. Thanks so much, ks. What a sweet note. I appreciate it.

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  9. I hope you find some appropriate footwear, both metaphorical and literal.

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  10. I hope you fins what you need, shoes and otherwise, and enjoy the process of "shopping"!

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  11. I am the worst friend ever. Ever. If I could squeeze you into my larger 9.5 pairs, I would. I will solve ALL of your shoe problems, and I do not kid. I am a complete shoe therapist if ever there was one. I WILL FIND YOU shoes to make you feel awesome, sexy and comfortable. The other kind of shoe, well, way out of my league but I listen and learn. Shit. My kitchen took over and I lost track of time.

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  12. I like your blog! My congrats with your successful de ivf. Your daughter is super cute) I think every mom has such thoughts) I'm not an exception!) But we should control ourselves. To be honest, at first I was completely against de ivf. I thought it’s unnatural and I won’t be able to love a baby of another woman. How stupid I was! This procedure was my only chance to become a mother so I persuaded myself to do it. Now I have no regrets. I look at Sammy and I consider him as my son and no one else's. We had an opportunity to give our doctor list of features we want to see in our donor. We mentioned hair color, nose and face shape, eyes, lips, etc. I should say everyone tells me my son looks like me! We told everyone, even our family, that we had simple ivf. No one can ever tell we used egg donor. Of course I’m grateful to our doctor and that girl, who donated her eggs. I will never forget what they’ve done for us! But I really have no feelings like my son is not genetically related to me or I feel differently toward him. Absolutely no! I love him with my whole heart! As soon as I knew I’m pregnant all my doubts faded away. I carried him, I felt him inside my stomach, I had toxicosis, I sang for him and read fairytales for him, I gave birth to him! He’s my son and only my! We decided we’ll not tell Sammy about egg donor. I think he doesn’t need to know that. I’m his mom and I’ll do everything for him so there will be no need for him to look for donor. We had de ivf in Ukrainian BioTexCom. We had 2 attempts in general. I’ve got pregnant from the first one. The clinic also offers «packages» with 1 or 5 attempts. So we’ve just chosen «package», which suited us the most. Hun, I wish you and your little princes all the best!

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