Thursday, May 23, 2013

You've been warned

That off week was just that. An off week.

Let me say that it's a bit hard to express things not going perfectly well to a community of women who struggle with infertility when you've got an infant on your hands. Thank you for reading what I had to say and not jumping down my throat. 

I'm much less lonely, and less down. I've had some insomnia (which is odd when your 2.5 month-old is sleeping through the night. You're tired, but not for the obvious reason), and some anxiety, but all in all, I think things are good.

I've become more proactive in scheduling outings and visits with friends, on top of weekly activities like yoga and our informal mama's group on Friday. I think I've also relaxed into the role a bit more, and stopped trying so hard to get shit done. Working without interruptions is a pipe dream.

I've also started taking the steps I feel I need to take to sort of wrap up (to avoid using the term closure) the stuff around the birth. And by stuff I mean the story, the thoughts and the emotions linked to what happened. And by what happened, I mean mostly the hemorrhage, but also the birth and the high blood pressure stuff. I've loosely mapped out three steps to this wrap up.

Step 1: talk about what happened to people who care about me and have time to listen. This is mainly so that I can have a full story of what happened by asking what others remember about it. Also, it helps to talk about it out loud so that I can stop running the scenario in my head over and over again (which I was doing for the first two months). 

Step 2: Send out thank you cards to the care providers who helped me during the birth and postpartum complications.

Step 3: Write out the details of the birth story and subsequent complications so that I've got a fleshed out narrative.*

Step 1 is mostly done. I've reviewed what happened in therapy, and with my therapist's suggestion, talked about it with those who were involved (Mr. A, friends who helped that night or weekend). Step 2 is well underway, and I would say that it has helped a great deal. And now, for your part. I can do step 3 in my journal, but I think I will do it here on my blog. It will be incredibly boring. You do not have to read it (or anything I write for that matter). But I'm asking you to be patient while I crank out a few posts containing waaaaaaaayyyy too many boring details about gross and scary stuff. I need to tell the story and then move on.

*Psychologists are annoying like that. Can't help it.



  1. If your life became perfection just because you are no longer dealing with the awful in's and out's of infertility, I would think you were crazy. Every part of life has a new challenge, a new set of struggles. Good days. Bad days. They are a given. I love your steps though. What a smart woman you are.

    I also appreciate every one of your comments on my blog. My most sincere thank you for your kindness and understanding.

  2. Glad she's sleeping. Sorry you still have insomnia.

    You've been through A LOT. Write away. That's what we're here for.

  3. So glad you are on your way to working through this, I liken your experience (and to a lesser degree mine) to the trauma of surviving a bad car wreck. It takes time but it does fade in a good way.

  4. I'm glad you're doing better. Insomnia sounds unfair though, hope that goes away soon.

    The processing, it takes time. When I started doing yoga, I had read that this might bring up unprocessed issues stuffed into corners of your brain - and while there were the obvious infertility issues I clearly hadn't processed, there were other things I thought I was done with. But it sounds like you have a good plan. And the Thank You cards are a wonderful idea.

  5. Just be aware that anxiety/ insomnia could equal ppd. And it's possible to feel much much better, plus get some sleep. Happened to me, and for weeks I was thinking if I just soldier on it will go away, I couldn't possibly have ppd, etc.

  6. I too had insomnia after the birth of my DD. To me, it was the feeling that I might be needed. That I had to always be alert. What helped me was periods where my DH was 100% in charge and I went and slept in the guest room.

    And don't feel a moment's guilt if you feel like you are not appreciating every second. It is hard work. There are awe-inspiring moments and then more hard work. And, keep in mind. As delicious as some of those early days are, it only gets better. You have years and years of wonderful times ahead. No need to squeeze in everything now, you have a lifetime to enjoy your DD.

  7. Just catching up but had to say I'm glad you're working through things and hope you fall into a smooth routine for you and gummy. Also adapting to SAHM life with our son was very challenging for me initially and left me feeling guilty at times because I know so many would love this opportunity but I too was feeling lonely and missing the connection I got from co-workers. It's gradually gotten better and we do try to get out almost every morning for a bit which helps but occasionally I still have an off day which I think is normal. This parenting gig can be really hard at times and pull on so many emotions. Wishing you strength and peace!

  8. I for one am really looking forward to part 3. Not just because of the thrilling drama, the tears, the soaring music, the agonizing suspense, the intense's going to be better than a Grey's Anatomy season finale! but also because it's a huge gap in the narrative, and having been along for the ride, I want it filled in. If only so I don't say quite as many stupid well-meant things out of ignorance.

  9. I will read every word of Part 3. In true late-to-the-party fashion I may read it weeks after you write it, but like Bunny says above, we don't know what happened to you ... and we care about you, and we want to know so we can understand.