Sunday, September 30, 2012

put it in a box

Thank you for your lovely, supportive comments and emails on my last post. I wrote it soon after getting the phone call from my doctor and still felt pretty agitated by it. I've since been able to find a more calm place to live inside myself. Since then, life has been very busy and there has not been much time to write posts, emails, or anything else. I had my second licensing exam last Monday and crossing my fingers that I passed. It is next offered in March, which won't work for me at all. Work has picked up this fall, which is nice, but it does take away from my blogging.

In the day or two following my doctor's phone call, I discovered that I didn't have anything left in me to put into active worrying. It's like a charity I've given and given to, and who keeps coming back for more. This time when they were at my door, I simply had nothing left to give. The first trimester and the SCH took it out of me, and now I can't do it. I can't spend my days and nights worrying about something that may or may not be real, something that may or may not be terrible.

So I put the information in a box.

Compartmentalization is traditionally known as a defense mechanism. When it is overused, it's not very healthy for the person. For example, if there are parts of you that you really can't stand and you keep putting those in a box, cutting off your awareness and the possibility of integration of all your parts (the ones you like and the ones you don't like), you are likely to get into some trouble, psychologically speaking. It takes a lot of effort to keep all those parts you don't like in a box, and that takes its toll on your functioning. You also might not come across as genuine to others. However, compartmentalization can also be thought of as a very useful, adaptive process. For example, if you're trying to get through a big project at work, and your job is hanging in the balance, it's probably a good thing that you are able put out of your mind the fact that you've had a fight with your spouse.

At this point, worrying about a shadow would be just that: worrying about a shadow. Of course it could mean all sorts of nasty things, but it could also be nothing. I'm sure that if it turns out to be something, I will do a great job worrying and fretting. But I'll leave that for the future, if that's even needed.

For now, I'm busy looking into strollers and wondering which cloth diapers we'll use. I'm also looking ahead at our first OB appointment on Friday. And I'm also in awe that tomorrow marks the start of week 17. Week 17???? How did that even happen? 


  1. I'm glad you can stuff the worry away, and I am hopeful you can burn that horrible box without ever needing to open it. Or maybe keep it around, and use it for "is Gummi eating enough?" and "Is Gummi ready to go down the stairs alone?" and "Is Gummi ready for school?" and a lifetime's worth of miraculous little terrors. It sounds like you've got some good distractions, and as long as they don't prevent you from reading MY weblog, I'm okay with that.

  2. Yes compartmentalization is very good, in your case, healthy! Soon you will start feeling movement what a freaky yet wonderful experience that is! 17weeks, wow, just wow.

  3. I think you have a great outlook. It's not easy to put those kinds of worries aside but you are right, there's no sense in worrying until/unless you have something to worry about. I am usually good at that but lately I've been having some problems letting go of my fears. I think it may be the extra hormones or something. Anyway, I think I might try to borrow one of your boxes. :-) Also, researching strollers is a great idea but I've found that hands on research is the best. We had our stroller all picked out from online research and watching a video. Once we tried to operate it ourselves we changed our minds. Just something to think about.

  4. I think "boxing" it up right now sounds like a great idea. And I agree with bunny I hope you get to just burn the box and all of it's contents. Best wishes and thinking of you. How exciting to be 17 weeks. Can't wait for the flutters to start for you :) Good luck with the certification results and all the busy of work too.

  5. I adore this post, and I adore you!!! Happy 17 weeks, darling! xoxo - A

  6. I say healthy compartmentalization is a good thing, isn't it pain in the ass when you know better than to be acting a certain way but just cannot seem to help yourself. Maybe this is why I feel like i get you so well.
    remember this, you are doing the best that you can do. nobody could ask for any more than that. whatever it takes to pull yourself through is fair game if you ask me.
    thinking about you often

  7. Lovin' that you are approaching 17 weeks!! Great to hear from you Augusta

  8. First of all I'm so happy to hear you're 17wks, that is freaking fabulous news my friend!!! And I would have to agree that compartmentalization is definitely a good thing at times. Sending lots of love and continued hope that things will progress smoothly for you.
    Also, I love that you knew I'm a pinot noir girl!

    1. It was just a guess, but that means that if and when we get to share a glass of wine, we will drink from the same bottle, my friend.

  9. I think putting that shit in a box is perfect for now and I'm glad you're able to do it. I wish I were sometimes better able to look at myself and say: "Hey, Pumpkin, if _____ (whatever's going on) is going to be a problem, worry now isn't going to change that, nor will it get you answers." So good on ya, sweet pea. And eeee, 18 weeks tomorrow! That's amazing and wonderful. I want to see you again; can we make that happen? I have a dumpling who wants to meet her Auntie Gus. Thinking of you guys. xoxoxoxoxoxo