Monday, August 13, 2012

funeral post mortem

We have made it back from our long trek east for my grandfather's funeral. Thank you very much for your wishes of condolences. I appreciate them very much. The funeral was fairly light, as these things go. My grandfather was known as the life of the party and an incorrigible trickster, who always made people laugh. Some of the funny memories were shared during the service, which steered the mood away from gloomy. The man lived to be 82. He had a good life, and by what my mom tells me, he had a good death. I was comforted by this a great deal.

It's never easy with my mom, and because her father had just died, and she was organizing the funeral, she was stressed out of her gourd. I managed to lose my cool at her only once, which I realize was once too many, but still not as bad as it could have been. I kept reminding myself that this was one of the worse days of her life, and it helped me be kinder to her.

In the last weeks of my grandfather's life, I had told my mother that if she felt it could cheer him up, she could share with him the news that I am pregnant. I knew that this meant I would have no control over who would be told, but according to my therapist, this was my gift to him. It did make him happy, so my relatives said. He felt sad that he wouldn't be around when the baby was born, but happy that there would be a baby.

Fast forward to the funeral, and there I was, not quite 10 weeks pregnant, with people rubbing my belly. I tried not to get my panties in a knot about it, and just go along - although, I can't say I like people I hardly know touching my belly (all there is to touch right now is chub - my chub). I felt a bit like an imposter, thinking about what the hell would happen if I didn't 'produce' a baby after all that. On the whole, it was probably good to get the chance to practice being out about the pregnancy among people I never see (except my immediate family). It's positively weird to have a large group of other people share in this idea that you have that there is a human being growing inside of you. There were moments when I thought to myself that it was mass hysteria. But mostly, I just tried to let others' confidence that there would be a baby come March influence my own sense of things.

After we left the funeral home, gone to my grandmother's place to regroup, gone out to eat with my mom and stepdad, and came back to where we were staying, Mr. A felt it was finally time to share with me a little story of what happened that day. We had been talking with some of my second cousins, one of which went on at length about her fertility issues. I intimated that our growing gummy bear had required much time and effort, without going into any details about it. She later cornered Mr. A and told him what he needed to do to address the problem. She proceeded to tell him that his testicles were probably too warm, and that he needed to soak them in ice water. Keep in mind that Mr. A had NEVER met this woman. He looked just as flabbergasted when recounting the story to me, as I'm sure he did when she was dispensing her unsolicited advice.


  1. Ice water? Really? How is it I've gone so long without knowing the answer! It was so simple all along!

  2. Firstly, Im so sorry for the news of your grand father -much love to you xx

    Secondly, I love the idea of testing the waters by telling people you won't see again about your pregnancy. That was a lovely selfless gift to give your grandfather too. And I think it's brave and wonderful and perfect to let the positivity of those people rub off on you, I like that idea very much.

    Poor Mr A with the freaky ice lady. At least infertility gives us good stories to laugh about afterwards. I love the idea of all of us coming together one day to snicker and laugh at all these stories we have to tell.

  3. A new baby means new life and new hope. I'm not surprised that everyone wanted to touch you. It was probably very comforting for them. Although I know how uncomfortable it must have been for you. It sounds like you handled it very well. I really wish people wouldn't give such crazy assvice on fertility. It is SO inappropriate to do, even if you know the person. Your poor DH. What a humiliating experience for him.

  4. Ice water. Who knew? You could have saved thousands of dollars and countless heartaches. Chalk that up to bizarro.

    I am sad for your loss and also, in my way, for having the gummi out of the bag, so to speak. That is news that younwant to share yourself, and yet it spreads like wildfire. I know it's hard, too. But, it is happy news and you can't blame people for wanting to touch hope. And yet, hands off the belly peeps. That's no bueno.

  5. water! Augusta, I have dropped off the face of blogsphere of late but have thought about you and had this overwhelming sense of calm that all was okay with your pregnancy. So glad to read that my intuition was correct. I am so very sorry of your grandpa's passing. 82 seems just too young nowadays doesn't it? I have a grandfather that died 2 years before LN10 was born and wish he could have met him. I am sooo glad your grandpa died knowing that you were they say...we have another angel among us and no doubt he is keeping his little great grandchild safe.

  6. Ice water, eh? I think your grandfather was there in spirit, pulling off one more prank. I suspect that is a suggestion that is not possible to carry out in practice.

    It sounds like the funeral was a strange experience in many ways, but what you say at the beginning seems particularly important--he was celebrated, he had a good life, you made it through.

  7. Testicles in Ice Water. If only it were that easy, eh? We could patent it. We could build jock straps out of freezer bags and ice cube trays. The sky is the limit, really:)

    I haven't had a chance to give you my condolences before, but I want to give them now. Very belatedly. I'm glad that the funeral was relatively painless. The part about the news being your gift to your grandfather made me very misty indeed. No matter how many greedy hands wanted to cop a feel as a result of that news being shared, you did the right thing.