Wednesday, August 29, 2012

dark clouds on the horizon

What was that - 16 hours - of feeling confident and beginning to believe in this pregnancy. I was sitting at work this morning, 9:37am and my cell phone rings. It's my GP's office. The office staff asks if I can come in right now. RIGHT NOW? I'm at work, I said (work is a good hour's drive away from Pleasantville). She offers me the possibility of talking to the doctor on the phone instead. Sure, that would be helpful. Then I get put on hold. The blood drains from my head. My heart pounds. I close my office door and start pacing (thank god my office mate wasn't in).

After an eternity, the office staff comes back on the line. The doctor is busy with a patient and can she call me back. Of course. She tells me the doctor said it's nothing to panic about.

yeah, right.

I go into a meeting (a meeting that's already started) and as I'm being directed to a chair, the phone rings and I have to excuse myself. [Oh the intersection of infertility and work. There's a whole book waiting to be written about that.] Dr. Lovely (that's what I'll call her from now on, my lovely family doctor who has been so good to me) tells me I have 2 subchorionic hematomas: one large one (6.9cm) and one smaller one (2.9cm). Nothing to do now, she says. She put a call in to the OB's she's referred me to, in order to ask what recommendations she should make. She just said not to exercise too intensely. No more stairclimbing at the gym, only flat walking. She said to call in when/if I start bleeding, noting that she'd want to do an ultrasound at that point.

I want to believe that this won't end the pregnancy, but I know it can. I also know that it has happened to many of you, and that you've come through it with babes in arms. I just feel like a ticking time bomb at the moment, knowing that at any moment I could start to bleed profusely.

The one good thing is that usualy, SCH are diagnosed after some bleeding. In my case, it's reversed and so I can be warned about what's coming up. It still doesn't make it fun, but it's a small comfort.

it's never easy, is it. 

20 comments:

  1. Oh, how scary. Best of wishes to you.

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  2. oh my sweet friend, I am so sorry to read this. I am hoping and praying with everything in me that this will be ok. Hang in there. We are here holding your hand through this. much love
    C

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  3. Damn. I am sorry, Augusta. This is something to make you WORRY and or that I will not forgive those hematomas and ask them to play nicely and go away soon and leave Gummy out of their shenanigans. I know there are lots of ladies who do have babes in arms with this affliction, so I'm hoping for some place in their success.

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  4. Oh my. Thinking of you and praying that everything ends up OK. It never is easy :(

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  5. Oh, Augusta. I am so sorry to hear this news. Beyond sorry, really. Deeply saddened -- this is NOT FAIR. Begone, subchorionic hematomas!!! I will be educating myself about these nasty SCH's tonight, and sending them vibes to calm the f down and leave you and the gummy alone. Right now I am sending you much love, and all the confidence I have that I will be meeting your little gummy bear next spring. And I am also reminding you that you are a survivor -- you've weathered some pretty hard stuff in your lifetime, and weathered it with grace and been stronger for it. I believe that your little one has already absorbed that same resilience and can stay safe and grow even if there are unwanted extra guests in its home. I love you so much, and the little one, too, and I am holding you both, and Mr. August, in love and light and hope.

    Enormous hugs, Oat

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  6. Boo :P I'm sorry to hear that. But as the doctor said it's nothing to panic about. I know trying telling that to the woman who knows it's something to worry about. I too am hoping to find you in the group that this causes no issues for. Also glad that you know and can get follow up if bleeding does occur. Best wishes Augusta.

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  7. Oy. I'm so sorry. But knowledge is good, yes. And isn't it good that you HAVEN'T had a bleeding episode? Thinking only good thoughts for you.

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  8. I am so hoping that everything will turn ok. I am thinking only good thoughts for you!

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  9. Oh dear! Keep your chin up sweet Augusta!

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  10. Damn. I came here to comment at last and gleefully on your last gummy update and now I read about the SCH. Of course it makes you uneasy - no way that it couldn't. It's nerve-wracking. And after what you've already been through, doubly so. I had several SCH's, but smaller and earlier in the pregnancy-that-did. I can't remember - do they have you on aspirin therapy? If they do, that's one thing to discuss with your doc.

    Oh, Augusta. I want so badly for this to be happy, straightforward and un-fraught for you. (I know...HA...at least that's what I would have said in response had somebody said that to me). Let this be a little little little glitch along the way. Sending you hugs. You are in my thoughts often.

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  11. Ugh, so sorry you've been handed such scary news but at least the knowledge that you have SCH is helpful if bleeding starts to occur. Definitely take it easy, I know my OB & RE told me absolutely no exercising. Our donor mother also suffered from an awful SCH that caused her lots of bleeding but came out of it with a beautiful healthy baby girl. Thinking of you friend and hopeful that things will progress smoothly.

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  12. I know nothing about SCH, but I do know that they do not always mean doom. You are so strong, and so is your gummy bear. I hope you're doing OK!

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  13. Oh why why whyyyyyyyy? I am really glad you'll be spared the certainty of doom that would be brought on by sudden unexpected bleeding, but oh, what a heartless universe. I have seen so many women go through this, and actually it's never caused a loss in my tiny and odd samle, though I know that don't mean sh*t. It's just...awful that you have to endure this when you should be getting to breathe and hope and dream. I just love what Oat says. This fetus is for sure a strong one.

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  14. Crap!!! So not what you need! Deep breaths--my cousin had a big one, had bleeding now has beautiful healthy daughter. Sending you lots of love.

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  15. Scary, scary fuckers. Glad to read you remember that there are survivors. I have a horror SUCCESS story my RE told me I can share with you. Would have stopped my heart from beating had I been that mother but the baby is now 5.

    If you bleed, you may likely experience cramping. That scared the daylights out of me but my RE said this is NOT an extra layer of danger. Where the uterus passes blood, there is cramping. I hope it doesnt happen of course, but if it does try to remember this is fuckedup-normal.

    I believe mine was considered "large" as well.

    Always here with you.

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  16. Oh SWEET SWEET BEJEZUS Augusta! I don't know how I survived the early weeks of pg so I don't have any advice...I sucked at it. And yeah, it wasn't easy. Thinking of you Augusta...

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  17. While I hate that you have anything to worry about, try to remember just how many women you know who had one or more SCHs and went on to have healthy babies, me being one of them. Mine were quite big and bled tons and tons. Remember all of the positive stories you told me at that time? I believe that Gummy will be ok. As you said, it is never easy. But that doesn't mean it's not a good ending.

    Huge hugs to you,
    S.
    (from pleasantville, now east coast, finally posted here!!)

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  18. Je n'ai pas tout compris. Tu as un risque de fausse couche, c'est ça? J'espère que tout ira bien pour toi. Je croise les doigts. Biz.

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  19. oh damn!!! why does this have to be happening to you? its all so fucking unfair! i don't know anything about sch's - but you can bet your ass that i'm keeping every.single.thing crossed for you in hopes that this all clears up on its own with zero bleeding or other symptoms that you have to suffer through. thinking of you friend...xoxoxoxo

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