Monday, July 2, 2012

gratitude, reassurance, hope and peeing

Women, you are amazing. You encourage me, put up with my whining, and wipe my tears. The comments you left me on my last post (or the emails) lifted my spirits greatly. I'm not sure what dark pit of utter despair I would reside in without your constant, loving presence in my life.

My funk turned shortly after I wrote my last post. First because it helped me tremendously to write about it. Second, because your amazing comments made me feel much better. Third, because I tried to eat my lunch and had to stop partway and put it away. I thought I might hurl. IF has given me such drawn-out, from here-to-forever time periods in hell, that it's kind of surprising to snap back from a downward spiral (an intense one at that) in such a short time.

I am cautious in interpreting it, but in all honesty, I have been feeling reliably nauseous and queasy everyday since Friday. I doubt myself and keep wondering if I'm making it up. I know that my brain could create this: I've seen a few patients with conversion disorder and I know that symptoms can be experienced as real even though they are not organic (although one would need a sort of blindness of their internal/emotional world to have that, and this doesn't fit me very well). I am feeling encouraged by these symptoms, reassured even, but I won't know for sure until I know.

While I don't want to make too much out of it, it seems that my nausea/queasiness has helped me let hope back into my heart. It really has, and I think that's ok. Preventing hope is not going to make the blow any softer if it didn't work. But for the days until then, allowing hope will make me feel lighter. 

On the subject of POAS, here's where I stand, respectfully acknowledging that mine isn't the best approach, just the one that feels most comfortable to me. I know that I could have started testing last Friday, but I was afraid of getting an equivocal answer. It felt easier for me to wait than to get a maybe yes/maybe no. Last time, we tested on beta day. Our reasoning was that we didn't want to first hear the news from the nurse. Positive or negative, I was pretty sure I would be loosing my shit either way, so why torture myself by adding the need to remain socially appropriate on the phone.

So for those who've asked, yes, I will start to pee on things this week. Given the logic above, it would be Friday morning, beta day, but there is a small hitch to that. I have to be at work that morning for a family therapy session, and it's already been rescheduled once because of my absence. If I test on Friday morning and it's no go, then I might be wallowing. So testing has been moved to Thursday, either am or pm. Please register your vote in the comment section for your preferred time.


  1. Yay for nausea! And its less plausible to think you are imagining/conjuring it, rather than to think that it may be real. So I'm optimistic for you!

    I've been waiting to hear from you (and counting back on my fingers too as to how old your embie would be) so I definitely vote Thursday am. But then, I'm the nut who starts testing at 7 DPO :)

    And you are so right about hope, it wonderful to be able to feel it, no matter what. Life is about snatching joy up whereever you can find it.

    Sending up prayers and crossing fingers for you.

  2. 12:01AM too soon? I am not one to wait myself. I am going to interpret hurly feelings to a sign of great things. To feel is to live after all and that heart of yours thumps soundly and has the capacity for great joy. Which is the prayer I've put in. You are in my thoughts each day!

  3. I often wonder if I, too, am making up my food aversions and gagginess. IF has taught us to always doubt that good things can happen to us. I'm so glad you are feeling queasy! That is very promising. I'm so very hopeful for you. My vote is for Thursday morning. I'm on pins and needles for and with you. Lots of positive vibes coming your way.

  4. I am also optimistic for you! I dont know when the tIme to POAS is. I turned into such a junkie that I wanted to do it every time I went pee. Not the best approach. Do what feels right. Im here cheering for you.

  5. Considering you have reason to be nauseous I also say this is good...hope you are appropriately not feeling well (in good terms). I vote for an AM pee you an extra day to recover or celebrate :) Good luck and positive vibes coming from me too.

  6. I am so glad you are feeling better about things. The wait is SO hard! Glad you are having some symptoms though - that makes it so much easier! I also vote for AM - they do say that first thing in the morning gives the most accurate results :)
    Good luck and can't wait to hear how things turn out!

  7. How many days PO (PT) is Friday? I bet it's plenty of time. I think either is good, but I think early morning pee is best.

    I didn't get a chance to post on the last post, but I say, don't look into it too much and just go with it. IF is such a roller coaster, and the 2ww is among the hilliest parts of that roller coaster. It's scary to have so much on the line in the short term.

    Good luck and hope you are on the way to some good news!

  8. AM pee!!!! I am very hopeful for you!

  9. So hopeful for you my friend & glad you felt the waves of support & love heading your way from that last post. Will be sending lots of prayers and love on Thursday!

  10. Dont you waste the keystrokes to thank a soul. It is our honor and our privilege.

    Pee in a cup. If you are like me, your hands will be shaking so badly, you'll miss the stick.

    Best best best peaceful wishes for you Gusta.

  11. UGHH!!!! The insanity of the TWW! AM Pee and in a cup and timed like it says on the box. Do it by the book. But don't do it it the morning of your beta. Thinking of you!!

  12. Thursday am. When you wake up at four in the morning, knowing you could KNOW.

    I am so grateful that you're feeling like vomiting. Come what may (and I think it's extremely probable that you're pregnant, my darling), I am happy that you get to have this moment of hope, however guarded and cautious. It's a better way to wait than black despair, and has zero impact on the outcome. And thank you for sharing it with us.