Friday, June 29, 2012

not feeling it

Ugh. Yesterday, I experienced the steep downhill of the IF rollercoaster.

One more time, with feeling.

I am comparing what my current experience is to how I felt in the last DE cycle. Like I said, I felt an unequivocal bout of nausea at 5dp3dt, and some queasiness on the days after. This time, I have not felt a full fledge bout of nausea and I'm at 6dp5dt. I should say that there are a few moments each day when I'm feeling a slightly queasy (maybe). Like after lunch yesterday, I had about 3 minutes when I felt quite unsettled with the food in my tummy, which isn't typical for me. Still, that's not much to go on, compared to my memory of what it was last year (and yes, I see a problem with comparing a memory of what happened 1 year ago and what is happening right now - memory is not that accurate).
I came home last night and felt like this cycle was a bust. I got myself convinced of that and felt very crappy.

So, I did what usually helps, if only a little: I went out for a walk.

On my walk, I ran into this woman I know. I wasn't wearing my glasses and had I been, I would have run the other way. She is fundamentally a good and kind person, but there are layers and layers of stuff on top of that. And she is also a very, VERY successful clinical psychologist, with a beautiful house and 2 beautiful kids. Cue the upward social comparrissons and the feelings of sheer inadequacy that come along with that. She called me out when she saw me, and of course, I kicked into my socially gracious mode and started walking and talking with her. What else was I going to do? Fake a bout of nausea?

Anyway, mid-conversation, when I'm trying to steer that talk to all of her successful endeavours and her beautiful children (and get the spotlight off of me), she cuts in and asks where we are at in our family building.

Fuck.

Who the hell asks that.

And then she felt that the question might not have been appropriate so she starts damage control and I just mutter that there have been challenges, already saying more than I ever intended to this person with whom I am not close. She chimes in that it was a challenge to conceive her second one. I didn't know what to say to that and I certainly wasn't going to take that as an invitation to talk.

Thus, the downward spiral I was already on got a whole lot steeper after I came back home. This was one time when going for a walk didn't help at all, and in fact made things worse. There are so many ways in which I am disappointed with my life. All the hope and promise I've been feeling in the last weeks was sucked away in a cerebral stormcloud of 'where did I go wrong', 'when is it going to be our turn', 'how could I end up so far from where I wanted', and 'where is it that i even want to go at this point?' There was intense sobbing that went along with that, and lots of staring into a bleak future.

It's interesting how going into this cycle, I was really working the mindset of this being just the first try of many, and really preparing to be back in DC later in the summer for a FET. Despair management, I suppose. But of course, once that blastocyst is in, one starts seeing things much differently. You want it to LIVE, damn it. You want it to be your child, at long last. Seriously women, I will be crushed if this try doesn't work. There is really no way around it. I was a fool to think that there was. Perhaps that's just what I needed to tell myself to take this big leap of faith once more.

From Katie Evans

20 comments:

  1. Ugh -- why don't people think before they speak? I was just talking about this with my therapist this week. Why would someone you don't know very well ask that question????

    I'm sorry you are feeling down right now and just not feeling it. I am still praying for you daily that embaby has settled in for a long 8 month journey!

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  2. My dear friend. I am hoping and sending every single positive thought I can your way. I've been a bit distracted and apologize that I haven't commented sooner. Cheering you on. It is a roller coaster- and we have no choice but to close our eyes and hold on. I'm right there holding your hand along the way! Big hugs my friend!

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  3. I cant stop myself from typing this even though I know this shit doesnt really help the hurt.

    I knew pregnancy was going down with Toddlerina but I felt ZERO NOTHING NADA with my Jaybird. Never was sick one single time. Scared the crap out of me.

    Please try not to measure all the ups and downs. Impossible, I know. I hope this version of success can help you push it out of your mind for 10 minutes at a time.

    I am glad you cried to get it all out. Dont bottle it when it gets too big. Try to cut it off a the pass.

    ps - she is a jackace.

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  4. I think I'll be crushed with you, for you, if this does not work. The 2ww is hell. I actually started keeping a detailed journal of my symptoms on my iphone..aaaa.

    Hoping, praying for you. When will you test? Are you going to POAS?

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  5. Beloved, I am so sorry that things are feeling so hard, and so unfair. Those are such awful feelings to hold, and they so often seem much stronger than hope. But there is as much possibility for a wonderful outcome from this cycle as there ever was, and as Dragonfly one said to you, we are here to hold the hope for you when you aren't feeling it yourself.

    Much, much love and many hugs,
    Hannah

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  6. I am so sorry you are feeling so down. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day. I will be crushed right along with you if this didn't work this time. Try to be positive (I know it is hard and I am not one to talk, I was convinced ours didn't work either). Only a few more days to get through and you will know. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts!
    Hugs!!!

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  7. Hopping in the car to drive up and track that woman down and MURDER HER.

    My heart aches for you and all the anguish in those questions. Of course you will be crushed. I was crushed after every failed treatment, and mine involved so much less investment--time, money, heartache... I know those questions so well. I think we've all howled them and sobbed them and screamed them. Those logical, future-oriented sentiments (we can try again, etc. etc.) will be there to help you put things back together if you need them this cycle. They may even come in handy in the next few days when the roller coaster starts its run upwards. But they're just sad little patches we stick on our broken hearts. ANYHOW!

    I'm sure being told that every pregnancy is different and blah blah blah is not going to help, but it's still TRUE. I think the fact that you're feeling anything at all is very encouraging, as someone who never had any symptoms. But of course it would be better if you had super strong symptoms, and perhaps if a faint "pregnant with that take home baby you so deserve" showed up on your ass and got stronger every day... For the moment, all I've got is several tons of hope and love.

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  8. Oh dear friend, I so wish I could embrace you in a warm hug, sit down with a deliciously comforting cup of tea and just be there to listen and encourage you during this wait. Our minds can be such a curse at times like this. Each pregnancy is so different just as each baby is, please try to stay strong. Your a warrior my friend & you can get through this. Be kind and gentle to yourself, do the things that bring you renewal, strength, and comfort and know that no matter the outcome of this cycle you will have all of us, your friends, family and Mr. Augusta right beside you at the ready. So much love ((hugs))

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  9. I'm joining the vigilante posse to thwack that lady. No suns all stand against m shining star of Augusta.

    Yes, despair is warranted at this point and pretty much all along this freaking journey. It's a shit show and to be the lead is no joy. The roll the dice next time talk does help when things fall apart, but I can want that conversation to never cross your mind again as new worries that last months and months and end with a squalling wrinkly babe.

    I felt more pregnant with losses than with the fabulouso Ocho here. Walking the razor's edge of hope and despair is what the freaking wait is about, but you have great company and such a warm cuddly spot for your little American defector, that I am hoping that healthcare, holidays involving queens birthday shit, being a frenchie canadian fry, and a cute "aboot" accent will lure those cells into a solid manifestation. It's what dreams are made of. So forgive me while I give the Universe a stomping and refuse any next time. Now. Yes. Please.

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  10. The pregnancy where I felt the fewest early symptoms? The one that worked. That's why when they told me the beta was positive, I nearly fell off my chair. The possibility had not even entered my mind. But I know it's hard to take comfort in that...and I know how impossible it is not to compare this time to the previous time (but it is absolutely true what they say - each pregnancy is different).

    This is so high stakes that, well, it hurts. The possibility of things going well - we ache for it. The possibility of things going badly...it can be crushing. But hang in there, Augusta. One step at a time, one day at a time.

    (As for the woman you ran into, I'm not sure where to begin. Nosy, nosy, nosy, nosy. And an idiot, to boot.)

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  11. Please sign me up with the angry mob that wants to wack your insensitive neighbor. Who the fuck asks that question of someone they don't know well? As for symptoms I also had tons of symptoms with my first doomed pregnancy but NONE with my successful pregnancy--- like I bought a bottle of wine on the way to the blood test. Hang in there dear woman!

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  12. The fun of the 2ww hell :P I'm sorry that you had a down day. I hope that it turns around and will be thinking and praying for you. I also know it doesn't help but I never had an ounce of nausea or ick with our twins. Every time is different and I am just hoping that you have a positive outcome to all of this. And why can't morons keep questions to themselves...in her case I think she knows better (being a psych) but wanted to be nosey which is sooooo evil in my opinion. Good thoughts for you!

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  13. Oh Augusta, Sending you the biggest huggles.....
    Rational thinking just is not possible at all during the two week wait. I'm sorry your walk didnt have the effect you were hoping for. I have been trying to figure out what to say here and the only thing that makes sense is for me to imagine what you would say to me if I was in the same situation. The wise owl Augusta would know just what to say, I know you can't say it to yourself, but you always know the right thing to say to all of us. I think you would tell me that what i'm feeling is ok, and to take comfort in Adeles story (no symptoms! Awesome healthy baby!) and know that this is a new pregnancy with a new story to tell and a new path to travel. It cant be the same as the last one, it wont be. I wish there was a way of reassuring you that everything will be fine but for now I hope just knowing that its too early to tell is a small comfort. And holy moly, when I look at the photo of your perfect (PERFECT!) blast that was transferred I am pushed back to a place of absolute overflowing hope for you Augusta. And I know these days of waiting are so hard, I dont think anyone could every understand how hard they are if they hadn't walked in your shoes, and i'm here holding your hand, hoping for the best. xxx

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  14. You have been in my thoughts and I am so hopeful you will have good news. It is so hard to wait especially when running into the people who only help you remember your worst fears. Every time I see an owl in a store, I think of you and your little embryo.--and owls are really popular right now. Just a few more difficult days of waiting to go. Praying for good news.

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  15. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that bull$hit. And I agree that you shouldn't read anything into the lack of nausea. I don't think I ever really had it. I'm keeping everything crossed for you! I know all too well how grueling the wait is.

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  16. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I'm sorry - but what an asshat that woman is, why on earth would she ask you that??? Successful psychologist maybe, but lacking basic clinical and humane skill, IMO.

    I will keep everything crossed for both of us!! Friday can't come soon enough, I'm sure.

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