Friday, May 4, 2012

the non-update - updated

Still swimming in the land of waiting. I'm getting all pruned and wrinkly over here.

At least today is CD1.

Why is that a good thing? Well, when I finally, FINALLY got a return phone call from our nurse (after really pushing things with her and our coordinator), she just said they were waiting for the other recipient to get her period (and how hard would it have been to reply to one of my 4 emails with those 8-10 words?). And then she told me to arrange my meds so I too would get my period this week. Emailed it in this morning. I will follow-up with a phone call in the next hour.

Right now, we are not too happy with this clinic.

I am holding on to the very important fact that this won't matter once we/if we hold our baby in our arms in the future. We won't look back and bitch about how much they made us wait and kept us in the dark. We will rejoice that we finally have a baby.

But right now, we are not happy with this clinic.

It's just that they seemed much more responsive before we paid them the sum total for the treatment. And I know they are not going to take the money and run, but it just feel like we got relegated to the bottom of the priority list because we are now a captive audience. That pisses off Mr. A to no end. I am typically the one in conversations to try and look at mitigating factors and reserve judgment of our experience with this clinic until we have gone through more of the process with them. But right now, I'm just venting to you, dear readers.

In other news, I'm on a cleanse. You might think this involves giving up coffee and consuming lots of wheat grass and shit. No. My coffee consumption has gone up, in fact. I think my birthday did me in. On that day, I ordered a full octane coffee. In my head, I just said fuck it: This is a terrible day and I need all the caffeine I can have to get through it. Bitter old woman that I am. Anyway, I'm on a fac.ebook cleanse. It's been about 10 days since I've logged on and so far, I'm happy with my decision. It was prompted by a personal email (on fb) from an IRL friend who wanted to let me know of her pregnancy ahead of the big announcement. Thanks. Did I need to also read the status updates from her and her husband, and see the darn u/s pics that would shortly follow? No. The kicker is that I performed their marriage ceremony last fall. The other kicker is that they announced their engagement within a day of when I had the m/c, and got all agitated when I didn't reply fast enough to their big news. Hum, excuse me while I have a D&C. Anyways, I could keep bitching about this couple, but it's not really getting me anywhere. I just meant to say that this was the precipitating event. I'm not sure how long I'll do this cleanse, but for now, it's been helpful. Fb is incredibly masochistic when you are infertile and in your thirties. It's time to be on my own team.

I took to heart the letter I wrote myself and published in my last post. I really did. I think this cleanse is part of it. I'll get back to the reduced caffeine consumption soon. I have a hike planned on the weekend, a visit with friends, and some gardening. Clawing myself out of this hole one centimetre at a time.

**I just got a call from the nurse - apparently phoning in gets you a reply must more quickly - who said that the other recipient has not yet started her period. This means we are in a holding pattern until further notice. Luckily, I've really become an expert on waiting.


  1. How frustrating for the clinic to not respond in a timely manner! Hopefully the rest of the process goes much better! You are in my prayers!

  2. I've noticed that the donor program does not have the best communicators, too. When I did IVF with them they were great at phoning in updates and such. Now I have to stalk my e-mail in the hopes of hearing something. It seems like the other recipient is taking a really long time to start her period. Can't they give her a shot of something to bring it on? It really seems unfair to you and the donor to keep dragging this out. In true optimistic form, here is my advice: Hang in WILL be worth it. Once the train starts moving, it accelerates pretty quickly. I still can't believe "we" had retrieval yesterday and that I will have a transfer (hopefully!) on Tuesday! It took forever to get here but at the same time it has sort of snuck up on me. I hope you have a great weekend and that you get some good news next week.

  3. Crappy clinic giving you the run around! Ugh! Don't they know that the endless waiting around is one of the hardest parts of IF? Oh and F your so called friend, clearly she has NO clue what you are going through and limiting your contact with idiots is good for your sanity.

  4. Poor communication and response from your clinic is total BULLSHIT. I'm with your husband, something about them having your money already makes it feel disrespectful, versus probably just plain human or your typical not-bad-but-not-super-awesome staff. We have to put so much trust in our medical professionals to do right by us, that it's unnerving when they don't seem to come through on even the little things. Let's just hope that they're (wrongfully) backburnering you because they're busy being total rock stars to the women that are in cycle right now. Well at least you've learned by this point in all this how to stand up for yourself! Hoping you won't need to :) Glad to hear you're finding good ways to stay busy and take your mind off the wait, wait, wait...

  5. I like what Tee-jay says.
    I hate that feeling of not being a priority with your clinic. It feels so powerless to be on this side and I think they really frequently forget that. They should know we need updates, and often. It doesnt matter if the update says nothing more than "hi, no progress yet but will keep you informed". And I know how exhausting and aggravating it is to always feel like you are the one contacting them. It's like any relationship, it needs to be a two way street and i'm sorry they're not fulfilling their end of the bargain. Hope the other recipient gets a big dose of day1 very soon.
    Lots of love xxxxx

  6. So sorry about all the bullshit waiting; that's just a pain in the tuckus. The cleanse, on the other hand, is brilliant. FB can be so toxic when you're waiting and wanting and don't yet have that growing seed of hope planted in the ute. Nobody's trying to make you feel shitty, but they still do an awfully good job. Sending you love here instead. <3 <3 <3

  7. kudos to you for logging off FB. I try to stay logged off as much as possible. sorry to hear about the clinic, hopefully they will get their act together soon and treat you better.
    also, loved your letter to yourself. I hope you keep fighting and don't let infertility prevent you from seeing and feeling of the other good things in the world.

  8. more waiting :( hoping you get to start up quickly.
    you are always on mind and I am so hoping for you.

  9. I'm angry at your clinic, and saddened that you have to endure an already exhausting and agonizing process without their full support and compassionate professionalism. F*ckers, say I, in my brash American way. The weekend you planned sounds lovely--I hope it truly was. You know, for greyish values of lovely.

  10. I'm so sorry. There really isn't much more frustrating that having to deal with a non responsive clinic. Been there myself and it just adds so much stress to an already stressful time. I am thinking of you my friend and hope that they are more responsive in the future. Hoping that the other recipient gets AF very soon and you can get this ball rolling. There's so much that is hard with all of this crap, but waiting on others has be close to top of the list. Thinking of you my dear friend!

  11. Gahhhh!! Pulling.Hair.Out.Root.By.Root!! Hang in there...I know you are an expert at this already. Take care!

  12. That clinic sounds like they need a few lessons in basic human decency. Don't they know you're waiting on tenterhooks (whatever those are) for this to get in motion? I think you are on to something with the Facebook cleanse idea. I am constantly on Facebook, and good things rarely come of it. And in particular it doesn't sound like you need to be updated on these friends' daily lives. I am thinking of you ... and if I thought it would help I would be totally holding my breath waiting for the other lady's cycle to start.