Friday, April 20, 2012

thirty eight

I got the exam over and done with. Thank you so very much for your encouragements and support. Most of the people I know who have written this exam have left feeling like they failed. That's pretty much how I felt.  I'm just hoping I passed so I don't have to do this again. In a deep irony that wasn't lost on Bunny, the exam results are usually shared with the examinee 2 weeks after the exam. That's right folks, I'm in a 2ww hell of a different sort.

In the mean time, all I am hearing from the US clinic are crickets. We got re-matched on April 4. I emailed our nurse on April 5 because it was my CD1. I emailed her again on April 16 because I hadn't heard anything from them and wanted to check in. Nothing again. It would be easier to receive a note saying "hold tight, we are working through stuff and will get the cycle schedule out soon." I did receive yesterday an email from our coordinator asking about one of my blood work screens that I had done in late December. It annoyed me. Greatly.

I am losing hope that this will happen in May. It's going to be June now. Or maybe July. The wait is weighing on me now. I was feeling so zen about it for months, but I'm not anymore.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was rough. Last year on my birthday, we were having our first ultrasound and owlet's heartbeat was detected for the first time. Owlet was growing and alive, and our dreams were finally coming true. This year, well, things are different. I think I was really holding on to having dates all set by the time my birthday came around, and it was a huge let down to not have those yet and still be swimming in uncertainty.

I had a great amount of birthday love from many friends. It really warmed my heart. Unfortunately, I was having a huge wave of secondary guilt for not being able to fully take all that love in, for being so distressed on a day that's supposed to be happy. Ugh. I wanted the day to end as soon as it started. Mr. A took me out to a comedy show, which made me laugh. I was really glad for the distraction.


  1. How frustrating to still not have heard from the clinic. If it were me, I would call and get some answers (or have my husband call :D ) I hope you hear from them soon!
    Happy belated birthday, I am so glad that Mr. A was able to provide a good distraction but wish you had had a happier day overall.

  2. I like the ideas of birthdays, but the mar king on to an AGE is awful. I am firmly 26 in my mind and refuse to grow up. I am sorry that this birthday hit you as hard. I find that low key celebrations are warranted in this case but will sing an awful and crazy dance move filled happy birthday anyway. Imagine meatloaf meets Monroe dancing like one foot is on fire. Silly, no?

    I am glad this test is done for you. I am certain you did well. I am deeply concerned about the US clinic and delays. Two week waits with donor questions in the air Make me want to pick up the phone and start harassing them myself.

    I know how much harder this is with the owlet's sweet memory lingering. It was beyond unfair and my thoughts are with you as these days go by. I'm here anytime. I know it's not much to offer, but I know what you are going through. I will wish for quick progress on theDE front and all kinds of great distractions as this chapter unfolds.

    1. Your support and friendship: it is a lot to offer, Misfit. You do know what I'm going through, and then some. I like the image of your crazy birthday dance. Thank you.

  3. congratulations on taking the mighty EPPP! I too thought I might have failed when I walked out. And I did not even come close to that. One of my best friends took it at the same day/time (but in a different state) and had the same reaction. She also passed. This is part of the evil of the EPPP. May you get your reassuring results soon. For now, no more studying! Do something to reward yourself!


  4. So happy to hear the test is over. Crossing my fingers that you get great news in two weeks. So very sorry about things being stalled at the clinic. That's one of the WORST feelings. It just adds to the loss of control we all feel in all of this nonsense. I hear you on the Birthday front. I am so sorry that it was a rough one.

    You are always in my thoughts. Hope you are doing something fun this weekend to celebrate the test being over!!!!

  5. WOOO HOOOOO! It's done, and yes, I believe it's really done, because you're a baddass, and you PASSED. Not that I expect you to feel it or believe me or anything.

    The clinic...THAT'S TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE! They're in a business where they can be expected to show more compassion and consideration, and even if it weren't their ethical duty, they're taking your money, so it's their obligation. GRRR. Find someone to beat up! Or find someone to find someone to beat up for you.

    I can certainly remember the grey, empty, heartbroken, feeling of another childless birthday, and I've never had to go through one with such painful reminders adding extra salt to the wounds. Be kind to yourself. Things WILL move forward. I know it's worth very little to have other people believe in your happy ending, but I DO. I believe you'll be feeling your child growing inside you before too much longer.

  6. I'm glad the exam is over and done with, and I'll cross everything that the news is good. (And I trust Bunny's intuition). But I'm sorry for the blue birthday. 39. Now there is a good year to have a birthday. And I like to imagine yours being completely underslept and up to your teeth in nappies and feeding schedules. I do think it's only natural to lose hope when things don't happen in the time they should. And you've waited way too long already. But I just have this funny feeling (read that: overwhelming hope) that when the train starts chugging it will be all systems go. And that it will move so quickly that your head spins.

  7. Bonne fête en retard! J'espère sincèrement que cette 38è année t'apporte le plus beau de tous les cadeaux (et surtout, que ce soit le dernier anniversaire que l'on te souhaite cela!) Et félicitations pour ton examen, c'est fait! Et j'espère vraiment que ta clinique te donne des nouvelles concrètes rapidement, mais surtout, de bonnes nouvelles! Salutations du Québec! Feelie.

  8. Good luck as you await the results of your test!! And happy belated birthday Augusta!! Sorry that your donor cycle is dragging...hoping things pick up quickly!!

  9. Happy Belated Birthday. I know all about having the birthday blues. My 40th was pretty much the worst of all. But 41 and 42 were pretty cool. So I'm sure your next couple of birthdays will seem much happier. Hope things pick up quickly.

  10. Happy belated Gusta Goo.

    I hope this was written at the bottom and you have lifted back up to a better place.

  11. Happy belated birthday! Sorry I missed it. Even though it was not the best day, it sounds like your friends and hubby tried to make it nice for you. You must be so relieved to have that test behind you! Fingers crossed that you passed with flying colors. If I were you, I'd call the clinic. They should have let you know something by now...especially since you notified them of your CD1. Try not to get bogged down in the waiting, it will only drive you crazy. Take back control (as much as you can anyway) and call them once a day until you have some sort of an answer. Even if, like you said, they tell you to hang tight. At least you will know something. I had to call the financial lady a few times before I got an answer. Not everyone is as excited to get going as we are. :-)