Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Sigh

I got very discouraged yesterday. It's not like this is really a long time to wait. We got unmatched last Monday. It's only been 2 weeks since we've selected our donor.

It's weighing on me this week. It wasn't last week but it is this week. I keep looking at my inbox, wondering when the email from the Donor Coordinator will land there. The ipho.ne dings so much in a day, you'd think it's Christmas time.

Yesterday was also April 2nd, the day we found out about the pregnancy last year. I had a heavy heart all day. Got through the day. Not at all gracefully, but I got through it. That's what counts. Thank goodness there was good news in Blogland, with Jess going to get her baby girl who was born on Sunday. It buoyed me to get such great news.

from Raceytay Photography
I try to remain respectful of how much I hurt, and respond gently to that. It's just a fact. Infertility has destroyed me in a way. No, not completely. But it has transformed me, and for now, it seems for the worse. I realize I may come to view that differently one day.

And then I think about how much worse it could be. I still have my life. I am still healthy. I have a job. I have good friends. I have a loving husband. There's my girl Chicken. We have enough money to buy food. We have a roof over our heads. We can even find a way to pay for DE IVF with the help of our families.

I'm just out of patience today. I'll find some again and apply it to this situation. But not today. 

10 comments:

  1. I've totally been there. Any kind of waiting when you're ready to go sucks. It never hurts to count the good things in your life, but don't feel like you have to prove that you are grateful for what you have. IF is full of ups and downs and it's completely ok to express the down times. If you didn't, you would go crazy. I really hope that the e-mail comes soon. You're right, the patience will return but until it does, know that you are not alone and that it's ok to hate waiting.

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  2. always thinking of you sweet girl...

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  3. I was thinking of your loss this week. I remember how excited I was for you and how I would recount your story to the Mr. on our evening walks. And the night I told him was over all of a sudden for you. And then, there we were a few weeks later scratching our own heads and wondering the same thing. I have tears for you today and I want that match to stick this time.

    You are so strong, Augusta, more than any woman should have to be. I am pulling for you with all I've got. I know that you will make it, and this baby will be yours. Impatience is warranted at this point. How many freaking hoops can the universe throw? I have strong hope, and a stiff drink lined up for you right here, and a box of tissues and a plate of brownies. I'll be here to listen anytime.

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  4. I definitely know how time can just drag along when you are waiting for that next step in the process. I'm thinking of you and hoping that things will speed up and you'll be on your way soon!

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  5. You are totally entitled to such days to sit back and lick your wounds. Here's hoping today is a better day my friend. Hang in there!!

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  6. It's okay to have days without patience. You can only manage so much of the stuff before it runs out, and it's very unfair to be matched and then unmatched. To be led to the starting gate, given the map of the course and then told to stand down. Sometimes I think that's what so much of loss and infertility are about.

    Until the day you make it not just out of that starting gate, but through the waters of that first trimester (like you said in an earlier post, so difficult). But I hate that it is not a straight line there for you. That there are so many starts and stops. So much building of hopes, and subsequent dashings of it.

    I'm not going to blow sunshine up your wazoo. And I'm not going to talk about "darkest before the dawn" because, who the heck knows? But I do know that things can turn on a dime. That even those who spend a long, long time in limbo can get sprung. Very suddenly. And I hope that it happens for you very soon.

    (Like, this week...should the universe be taking requests).

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  7. Limited to communication by thumb but I don't want to wait until later to send you my support.

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  8. I'm thinking of you and hopeful for many brighter days!

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  9. Yep, screw today. I'm so terribly sorry that you are not holding a three-monthish-old in your arms today, reflecting on how everything you endured was all worth it. That's how it SHOULD be. I hope that's how it will be roughly a year from now, but that's not much good today, is it? Screw patience, screw being grateful for the things that are good about life, like the others say, there's plenty of time for those things later. As much later as you need.

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  10. Thinking of you my dear friend. I'm having similar feelings. I jump every time our phone rings in the hope that it is finally THE call for us. My heart is heavy and full of so much heartache after all these years of waiting. There's a sense of urgency in the air right now, and I can just feel it for you too. Hoping that you get that email VERY soon.

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