I wondered when the email would come. Would there still be weeks of waiting for the match to happen, and for things to get going. The answer came this morning and the answer is no.
The match is complete.
I am guessing if all goes well that we will be heading south in about 8 weeks for the ET. That's just a guess of course, and we will hopefully soon hear about a predicted timeline. When we did the DE cycle with Sattva last year, the predicted timeline matched the actual timeline exactly: ER was predicted for March 15 and it happened on that day. What has been your experience with that? I can't see the actual timeline being more than a few days off the predicted.
I am feeling the excitement, and as you've guessed, it is mixed with fear. I had a very awful dream last night, which I think spoke to my fear. In the dream, I was being shipped off to a concentration camp by train. I knew this was happening in a few hours, so I had a bit of time to get some things in order. I was trying to write and mail letters to people, and think of what needed to be left behind about myself. In the dream, my death was inevitable and imminent. I was so painfully aware of it. The prevalent feeling of dread could not be eased. It was inhabiting me completely. Those dreams are so hard to recover from. What the hell is my unconscious trying to tell me?
Well, of course it being 10am, I've already elaborated several interpretations. I think the dream is about my fear of the fear. I know that sounds strange, but I am bracing myself for both a positive and negative outcome of this DE cycle. A BFN would be royally disappointing. And a BFP would be perfectly terrifying. I am reminded of this as I read Mo's story of her sixth pregnancy. She is of course very worried, given the outcome of her past pregnancies. Her writing reminds me of my experience of being pregnant last year. I remember the joy of it, to be sure. But I remember how worried I was and how each sensation was a landmine for my emotional and psychological equilibrium. There was the bleeding in week 6, and lots of unusual cramping (unusual only because I had never experienced something like it before). I remember several episodes of cramping and feeling convinced that it was the end. The end did come early, but without any pomp and circumstance. The little flicker just stopped and it took an u/s to know it. Surviving the 2ww is hard enough, but if it's a BFP, surviving T1 will be grueling. I think I am fearing that time of unknown, or in-between. Being pregnant, but not having that pregnancy firmly established. Having it hang by a thread for weeks on end. Preparing for the best; preparing for the worst; and being invisible. T1 is entirely tumultuous, unless you are blissfully unaware that so much could go wrong.
But back to the good news of the day. How about I try to stay positive for 5 minutes?
I am excited to get this show on the road. It is good to start to feel some hope growing like a little seedling inside my heart. Like I said before the last DE cycle, this could happen. This procedure could lead to pregnancy and to having a baby. It could.