Monday, March 19, 2012

match is complete

I wondered when the email would come. Would there still be weeks of waiting for the match to happen, and for things to get going. The answer came this morning and the answer is no.

The match is complete.

YEAH!

I am guessing if all goes well that we will be heading south in about 8 weeks for the ET. That's just a guess of course, and we will hopefully soon hear about a predicted timeline. When we did the DE cycle with Sattva last year, the predicted timeline matched the actual timeline exactly: ER was predicted for March 15 and it happened on that day. What has been your experience with that? I can't see the actual timeline being more than a few days off the predicted. 

I am feeling the excitement, and as you've guessed, it is mixed with fear. I had a very awful dream last night, which I think spoke to my fear. In the dream, I was being shipped off to a concentration camp by train. I knew this was happening in a few hours, so I had a bit of time to get some things in order. I was trying to write and mail letters to people, and think of what needed to be left behind about myself. In the dream, my death was inevitable and imminent. I was so painfully aware of it. The prevalent feeling of dread could not be eased. It was inhabiting me completely. Those dreams are so hard to recover from. What the hell is my unconscious trying to tell me?

Well, of course it being 10am, I've already elaborated several interpretations. I think the dream is about my fear of the fear. I know that sounds strange, but I am bracing myself for both a positive and negative outcome of this DE cycle. A BFN would be royally disappointing. And a BFP would be perfectly terrifying. I am reminded of this as I read Mo's story of her sixth pregnancy. She is of course very worried, given the outcome of her past pregnancies. Her writing reminds me of my experience of being pregnant last year. I remember the joy of it, to be sure. But I remember how worried I was and how each sensation was a landmine for my emotional and psychological equilibrium. There was the bleeding in week 6, and lots of unusual cramping (unusual only because I had never experienced something like it before). I remember several episodes of cramping and feeling convinced that it was the end. The end did come early, but without any pomp and circumstance. The little flicker just stopped and it took an u/s to know it. Surviving the 2ww is hard enough, but if it's a BFP, surviving T1 will be grueling. I think I am fearing that time of unknown, or in-between. Being pregnant, but not having that pregnancy firmly established. Having it hang by a thread for weeks on end. Preparing for the best; preparing for the worst; and being invisible. T1 is entirely tumultuous, unless you are blissfully unaware that so much could go wrong.

But back to the good news of the day. How about I try to stay positive for 5 minutes?

I am excited to get this show on the road. It is good to start to feel some hope growing like a little seedling inside my heart. Like I said before the last DE cycle, this could happen. This procedure could lead to pregnancy and to having a baby. It could.

  

17 comments:

  1. I can completely identify with the crazy dreams. I had one myself not that long ago. I think it was sparked by my own fears as well as Mommy Odyssey's tragedy happening at the same time. It's crazy what the mind can put us through, isn't it? YAY for a completed match! I'm so excited that it happened this quickly for you. I'm still waiting for everyone to get lined up so I don't know for sure what kind of timeline you are looking at. When I received my paperwork after our completed match it stated that the cycle would begin in 6 to 10 weeks. Hopefully things will roll right along for you!

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  2. One thing I've realized down this difficult road, wherever you can find anything that gives you happiness/hope/reassurance, grab it and savor it like its the finest chocolate, because you can never tell what tomorrow might bring (But hey, it may very well be more of the same:))

    So YAY at this working out well, and I hope things continue to go that way!

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  3. Wonderful! It's great to feel that sense of progress. Hope everything goes smoothly and the timing stays consistent. The timing for our first donor cycle was up in the air until she had her period, then we got a pretty solid calendar that shifted by only a few days. The second cycle honestly I paid less attention because we're just testing and freezing the embryos and not trying to coordinate a fresh cycle.

    Good luck!!

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  4. Eeeeek! What fantastic news. Though yes, this means it's time for the Extra Complicated Emotion Machine to start revving up. Which is not to say the things you've been enduring all along haven't been extra complex, but this part is so...hideously tense. Plus the timing of all of it is extra intense, what with getting to relive these heartbreaks even as you gear up for another go...

    Anyhow, though it will be rough in ways I can't begin to imagine, I'm going to hope for a nice fat positive anyhow. I hear tell pregnancy after loss is an agonizing series of waits, and I hate that you will have to be in that camp now, but you'll have wonderful support from women who have been there and who know how hard it will be. Grueling, as you say. So whether it's this time or not (oh please let it be this time!), you'll have the chance to face down all those demons, and you will.

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  5. Happy dance commencing. Wowza! This is going to happen and really soon. I will start wishing for all kinds of new terror with a health dose of new joy, the cocktail of a great beginning. You will get through it all with exactly the same grace as before. And, yes, there will be an intense worry for every step, but also hope. Something I'm holding for you in spades, my dear.

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  6. i am holding SO much hope for you Augusta. xoxo

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  7. Things are going to move fast now. In a way its good because it doesnt always allow us to take a monent and reflect. T1 is awful. But this hopeful bfp will be different. All pgs are different. Im so excited for you to get this process started. You deserve some good news and happiness. Im here cheering you on from the sidelines ready to distract you during the horrible 2ww and T1.

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  8. I am so full of hope and optimism for you Augusta! This if fantastic news!! xoxo

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  9. Congratulations and so much love and joy to you!

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  10. So much love flying your way from me Augusta, this is a great step forward! congrats on the match being complete! You're a few steps ahead of me in this process but you've got me on the edge of my seat as I set sail to follow in your donor cycle footsteps. And I'm scared of whats ahead, and I'm excited beyond belief too, I hope we can share these emotions. x

    And i'm sorry there are some significant days ahead for you, in some ways I cant believe it's been a year, but in other ways it feels like much longer. I hope you find a way to remember your pregnancy that was in a way that is meaningful to you.

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  11. OOOHHHH...I am just sooo incredibly hopeful for you and Mr. A! Kick back and let us do the worrying for you! Easier said than done I know...but your feelings mirrored my exact feelings. Normal, normal!! Take care.

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  12. Hooray! what wonderful news. I am excited for you.

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  13. Oh, you are on the way! This is wonderful news ... and I totally get why it is also terrifying. I think you are spot on about the dream and all its loaded images. Like someone said above, it's time for things to start moving very fast, and I know you are going to be great. You (strong, wise, calm) can *do* this.

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  14. hoping so much for you.
    here to hold your hand thru these next steps.

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  15. Congrats on your match! That is very exciting. And of course you are going to be a nervous wreck for...well, a while. It's only natural. I'm wishing so many good things for you!

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  16. Great news! I was worried about it as well. Shows what a delightful donor you must have, everyone is snapping her up. Wonderful.

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  17. Hurrah!!!! That is wonderful news to be on your way. But I totally get the fear. The fear of any pregnancy, even a DE pregnancy, is what keeps me in this unproductive waffling state between whether our plan B should be DE or adoption. (And yes, I am still thinking about plan Bs even this very second. I know, I know...)

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