Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Donor selected: back to the waiting place

I am pleased to report that a donor was selected. After much thought, we didn't go with either of the top two, but instead selected a donor that appeared on the list more recently. I liked her profile as much as the other two. She met all our requirements. And she had a very darling picture of herself as a 5-year-old that just made my heart melt like gelato on a summer day. She doesn't look like me as much as donor A , and her essays didn't inspire me as much as donor B, but globally, the information we had made her our top choice. You make decisions with the information you have available at the time, your most discerning judgement and your best intentions. I've done all that I can do.

We are sharing the donor's generous gift with one other party, and were the first couple in the match. So now we wait for another couple* to select her. We're back to the waiting place

From Dr. Seuss' "Oh! The places you'll go!"
 I am glad that this part is done. There was a lot to consider in making this choice. There were our needs and our beliefs about genetic contributions to personhood. There was the healthy development of a potential baby. There was the health and well being of the donor. It was mind boggling. I thought a lot about Sattva through this process. She is certainly the donor we priviledged, but it was not to be.

Tomorrow will be 1 year since Sattva's egg retrieval, and from then on, I get to revisit all the important dates of the pregnancy. I flinch a little when people talk about April 2. It was the day we saw the positive pregnancy tests. At the same time, I know my work is to keep looking ahead and putting one foot in front of the other. I am guessing we will be going south in May for the embryo transfer. I am trying to focus on that, knowing that there will be sadness in the months ahead, but knowing that life is asking me to look forward to what's ahead, to our next attempt at becoming parents.



*I use couple, but am aware that it could also be a single woman, or any other arrangement of a family grouping as long as there is a uterus involved.

17 comments:

  1. Yay for making a selection that you can be happy and content with. It's a big step in the right direction. We are sharing our donor with 2 other uteruses and I was amazed at how fast the match was complete...less than 24 hours. You may not have long to wait. I have an anniversary of my own coming up in April. The 29th will mark my 1 year anniversary of seeing 2 lines on a pregnancy test for the first time. It was not to be, either. But we keep moving forward. It's what we do, right?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chère Augusta,
    Félicitations pour cette nouvelle étape de complétée! Je suis bien contente pour vous deux. Les choses se concrétisent... Et je voulais aussi te remercier pour ton message de dimanche dernier sur mon blog. Effectivement, lire des histoires de femmes qui sont vécues des choses similaires et qui ont tout de même accouché de beaux enfants aide à ne pas trop perdre espoir au coeur de la tourmente. Merci!
    Je vous souhaite donc qu'un deuxième couple choisisse rapidement la même donneuse que vous pour que vous ne soyez pas trop longtemps dans l'attente...
    Bonne fin de journée,Feelie

    ReplyDelete
  3. So happy you found a suitable donor. Good luck with everything.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Augusta,
    I only stumbled upon your blog today, and I am so glad I did! We are in similar places, you and I. I am a few years younger with a balanced translocation, and have just selected a donor a few days for my first DEIVF cycle. I am doing my mock cycle now, and hope to be cycling with our donor and another couple by this summer (at another clinic). Wishing you the best; I hope you get your match and then your take-home "chouette" soon.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Its all about finding something your gut feels ok with. I had to veto around 200 donors, spent months on this task and finally, when I found my donor, it took at hour of looking over all hi stuff to decide.

    Glad you found somebody you feel good about!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yay! Congrats on selecting the donor. So exciting. I know how difficult loss anniversaties are, try and focus on your upcoming cycle but know its ok to grieve. Feel what you need. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. congratulations on picking a donor. That must have been a tough decision. I hope someone else picks her soon too!

    ReplyDelete
  8. What an exciting decision! Thank you for sharing the process you went through.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Congratulations on choosing a donor, I'm SO incredibly excited for you guys as you get closer to transfer!
    Wow, can't believe it's already been a year. Understandable you're feeling apprehensive about the approaching dates and the emotions they bring with them regarding last year. I remember feeling very anxious as we approached the anniversary of Lily's first birthday and was pretty emotional in the days leading up to it but then the actual day wasn't as bad as I expected. Hope you feel so loved and supported in the coming days & praying you feel strengthened for the journey that awaits you ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am SOOOOOOOO excited Augusta!! Congrats!!! Wishing you hugs as the painful anniversary dates approach.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Gelato on a summer day! Aww...I miss you. So very delighted that you've made a choice you sound settled with. Would love to see you when you're down here in May, if it's at all possible. Passing dates like your April 2 and those that follow is so damn difficult. We love you and are holding you tightly. Keep writing and sharing your feelings with us. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  12. sending you so much luck and love

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh happy day! I'm glad you'll have something to hold onto as you head into the season of neverending reminders. I hope it does indeed act as a source of strength and a reminder of a hope-filled future, and not just an obstacle in the process of grieving... It must be complicated to have your wait tied to something else, too. Let it not be a long wait, oh universe!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Augusta, wonderful. And it sounds like you made the best possible decision with the information you had. That truly IS all you can do and I only hope that this next step of waiting is a short one. I can't imagine all the things that must have gone into deciding, and figuring out which ones to give weight. But I'm also a huge believer in gut feelings and it feels very much like you had one when you saw her childhood picture.

    Anniversaries are hard. They're a difficult retracing of steps. Our own personal Via Dolorosa, in a way (though I'm not a religious person). And here it truly is a matter of one foot in front of another. The good thing is that we are not confined by our pasts, even if we have to relive them in the present. The future is an open book. And I believe that it will - at long last - be a happy one for you. And I'm putting a lot of hope towards this.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You know Toddlerina looks about zero like me? Come to think of it, Jay doesnt either.

    I will be thinking of you all on April 2nd. It will be a hard date - another anniversary to sit with for awhile.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thinking of you as you hit anniversary time...I am glad you guys were able to pick out a donor who works for you. It's hard to make these decisions (for example our preferences on our adoption application) but I'm glad you are comfortable. Sending you good wishes, my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh, I can't even imagine the process you just went through. Reading essays and looking at baby pictures -- it must have been surreal, and your imagination must have been working overtime. But I am sure you made the right choice for you. Regarding that upcoming anniversary -- I am thinking of you, and I know that you have the strength to face it (because, hello! awesome!), but I am sure that date is just looming in front of you. When you get there, we will all hold your hand.

    ReplyDelete