Tuesday, March 27, 2012

hold the parade

Well, it's been a series of funny things. First, I had an unexpected visitor on the weekend, and she wore red. Last week, the nurse we work with at the US clinic told me to hold off on taking my prometri.um and keep taking my estr.ace only.* Well folks, since my body doesn't make progesterone, that lining wasn't going to stay up there on its own, all nicely tucked in waiting for further direction. I should have known. When I emailed this to the nurse on Monday, she said it was breakthrough bleeding. Nope. It's was a period.

Anywho, I did get concerned that it would interfere with things. Especially since her email included a draft schedule with estimated dates for egg retrieval (April 28) and embryo transfer (May 3).

Oh my. I was excited.

Later that day, I got another email saying to start my prom.etrium now and take it for 7 days and then I would get my period. Um, there is nothing left of this lining. What kind of period are we talking about here?

She added that the other recipient had encountered some medical issues and was withdrawing from this match. The donor was being placed back on the donor list and we would have to wait until she got selected by another recipient.


I wasn't crushed or angry or sad. I took it in strides. It's fine, really. I was just excited to see actual dates.

More dates will surely come soon.

Fingers crossed for another match very soon.

* Just for background info, to mimic regular cycles, I take estr.ace from days 1 to 28, and prometri.um from days 17 to 28. Then I stop everything for 7 days (in the middle of which I get a period) and then start again. It's not quite what a regular cycle looks like, but it works for my body and Dr. RE is happy with it (and you know that when Dr. RE is happy, Augusta is happy).

Monday, March 19, 2012

match is complete

I wondered when the email would come. Would there still be weeks of waiting for the match to happen, and for things to get going. The answer came this morning and the answer is no.

The match is complete.


I am guessing if all goes well that we will be heading south in about 8 weeks for the ET. That's just a guess of course, and we will hopefully soon hear about a predicted timeline. When we did the DE cycle with Sattva last year, the predicted timeline matched the actual timeline exactly: ER was predicted for March 15 and it happened on that day. What has been your experience with that? I can't see the actual timeline being more than a few days off the predicted. 

I am feeling the excitement, and as you've guessed, it is mixed with fear. I had a very awful dream last night, which I think spoke to my fear. In the dream, I was being shipped off to a concentration camp by train. I knew this was happening in a few hours, so I had a bit of time to get some things in order. I was trying to write and mail letters to people, and think of what needed to be left behind about myself. In the dream, my death was inevitable and imminent. I was so painfully aware of it. The prevalent feeling of dread could not be eased. It was inhabiting me completely. Those dreams are so hard to recover from. What the hell is my unconscious trying to tell me?

Well, of course it being 10am, I've already elaborated several interpretations. I think the dream is about my fear of the fear. I know that sounds strange, but I am bracing myself for both a positive and negative outcome of this DE cycle. A BFN would be royally disappointing. And a BFP would be perfectly terrifying. I am reminded of this as I read Mo's story of her sixth pregnancy. She is of course very worried, given the outcome of her past pregnancies. Her writing reminds me of my experience of being pregnant last year. I remember the joy of it, to be sure. But I remember how worried I was and how each sensation was a landmine for my emotional and psychological equilibrium. There was the bleeding in week 6, and lots of unusual cramping (unusual only because I had never experienced something like it before). I remember several episodes of cramping and feeling convinced that it was the end. The end did come early, but without any pomp and circumstance. The little flicker just stopped and it took an u/s to know it. Surviving the 2ww is hard enough, but if it's a BFP, surviving T1 will be grueling. I think I am fearing that time of unknown, or in-between. Being pregnant, but not having that pregnancy firmly established. Having it hang by a thread for weeks on end. Preparing for the best; preparing for the worst; and being invisible. T1 is entirely tumultuous, unless you are blissfully unaware that so much could go wrong.

But back to the good news of the day. How about I try to stay positive for 5 minutes?

I am excited to get this show on the road. It is good to start to feel some hope growing like a little seedling inside my heart. Like I said before the last DE cycle, this could happen. This procedure could lead to pregnancy and to having a baby. It could.


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Donor selected: back to the waiting place

I am pleased to report that a donor was selected. After much thought, we didn't go with either of the top two, but instead selected a donor that appeared on the list more recently. I liked her profile as much as the other two. She met all our requirements. And she had a very darling picture of herself as a 5-year-old that just made my heart melt like gelato on a summer day. She doesn't look like me as much as donor A , and her essays didn't inspire me as much as donor B, but globally, the information we had made her our top choice. You make decisions with the information you have available at the time, your most discerning judgement and your best intentions. I've done all that I can do.

We are sharing the donor's generous gift with one other party, and were the first couple in the match. So now we wait for another couple* to select her. We're back to the waiting place

From Dr. Seuss' "Oh! The places you'll go!"
 I am glad that this part is done. There was a lot to consider in making this choice. There were our needs and our beliefs about genetic contributions to personhood. There was the healthy development of a potential baby. There was the health and well being of the donor. It was mind boggling. I thought a lot about Sattva through this process. She is certainly the donor we priviledged, but it was not to be.

Tomorrow will be 1 year since Sattva's egg retrieval, and from then on, I get to revisit all the important dates of the pregnancy. I flinch a little when people talk about April 2. It was the day we saw the positive pregnancy tests. At the same time, I know my work is to keep looking ahead and putting one foot in front of the other. I am guessing we will be going south in May for the embryo transfer. I am trying to focus on that, knowing that there will be sadness in the months ahead, but knowing that life is asking me to look forward to what's ahead, to our next attempt at becoming parents.

*I use couple, but am aware that it could also be a single woman, or any other arrangement of a family grouping as long as there is a uterus involved.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Just pick one

Thank you for your lovely words of support and encouragement, women. Your excitement for us is most welcomed and appreciated.

I think we have narrowed it down to 2, and it's just a matter of picking which of the two.

I'm an indecisive girl. I consider choices for a long time before making a decision. I can extend the consequences of one choice over another from here to eternity. The ramifications of this choice seem particularly daunting. I try to remind myself that all donors on the list are excellent choices.

Just pick one, Augusta.

(Mr. A has weighed in, but he feels like I need to have a stronger say over this because I don't get to contribute genetically).

Monday, March 5, 2012

opened gate

We got the green light on Friday late afternoon. We have  been accepted for shared risk.

I've just received the access code to the donor bank. Oh my goodness. They are all such lovely young women. I'm developing donor crushes.

Please send us positive donor selection vibes.