Wednesday, December 7, 2011

the due date

According to one IVF site, my due date was December 6. According to the nurse in our program, it was December 8. Sandwiched in between, I thought I'd submit a post to register the nonevent. A miscarriage. Months that have gone by where I imagined myself at different stages of pregnancy. And now the week, the day(s) where briefly, it was expected that we would welcome a baby into the world.

I visited my beloved therapist today. I talked about a lot of crap, but each time he brought me back to what this is: the due date. I want to avoid it, I said. We all want to get away from our pain, don't we, but you told me when we booked the appointment that it was the day before the due date. You wanted me to remember. 

Yes, beloved therapist. Yes. Remind me. Don't let me run from my pain, from my own experience. It's not much, but it's all mine.

Yes, beloved therapist. I wanted you to hold it for me. It's so hard to hold it by myself.

I feel like I said goodbye to owlet in June. In a way, I do not picture owlet having lived. He didn't. It was final. Unequivocal. I feel like this grim anniversary is not just for the little life that could have been but wasn't. It's also a marker of our failure to become parents.

I feel sad about not being able to honour Sattva's gift. I know it's nothing I did or didn't do. I just wish it could have worked.


I won't stay in this grief forever. We are moving on to the next steps. But I know that I need to pause now and mark this due date before I move on with our story. 

18 comments:

  1. Due dates are so hard. Thinking of you and Owlet.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sigh. Passing these dates that once help hope and have come to serve as a reminder of heartache...it's really tough. Love you, woman. And you are moving in the direction of making things happen. Big, exciting, babyful things. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thinking of you my friend. I've had many of the same feelings- how odd that my edd would have been exactly 6 months before yours. Now that I am at that 6 month mark, it does get a little easier, but I know that I will carry that pain with me always. Sending some hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. It is hard to pass those dates. And hard to know what to feel when they pass, and how to honor those complicated feelings. Your therapist sounds wise and I am glad that you have someone who is helping you to consider what it all means.

    You've likely come across this before but if not, Peggy Orenstein wrote a very good essay about miscarriage: http://www.nytimes.com/2002/04/21/magazine/mourning-my-miscarriage.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm

    I found it between mine and it lent me comfort when I didn't know what to feel or, for that matter, how to go on.

    But you WILL go on. You WILL be a mother. Hugs, Augusta.

    ReplyDelete
  5. thinking of you my sweet friend at this time. sending much love to you...

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm so sorry this date is a sad reminder, many hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. thinking about you, and sending some extra love this week.

    ReplyDelete
  8. There are no words of comfort to pull that pain out of this week. It does sound like you have a good place to talk it through and I understand not wanting to go there. It was a cruel promis that was snatched away too soon. And it is worthy of attention and tears with all the sadness that you've held in for sanity's sake. I'll take a few moments here to put my best thoughts into a prayer of blessings for what comes next.

    ReplyDelete
  9. due dates and anniversaries are so hard. I think they are a little bit harder too because, they aren't necessarily recognized or remembered by others, making you feel a little more alone. thinking about you...

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm thinking about you as well and sending you hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Augusta, I can only imagine what you are going through and it absolutely breaks my heart. Truly. I hope that the coming days become a little bit easier.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You're so brave and I'm really glad you have that safe place to stay with it. I am adding to misfits prayer wishing for blessings on your journey.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh dear, sweet Augusta. Grief is such an overwhelming uninvited guest that pushes us in such a difficult way to come to terms with those what might have been missed moments. I'm so incredibly sorry that you are holding this grief instead of Owlet.
    Sending thoughts of love to you and hope that you continue to move forward with the strength and courage you have so visibly lived throughout your journey and that someday soon joy will overshadow the grief.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear, dear friend,

    I'm sorry that I missed this post until tonight. All I can do is send you all my love, and all my hope for the future.

    ((((((((( Augusta )))))))))

    XOXO, HMTF Oat

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thinking of you and your little Owlet.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh Augusta, I felt so sad when I read that sentence "It's also a marker of our failure to become parents". I've felt the same way myself, in the worst moments.

    But its not your failure or mine, its just that this crazy universe has a plan for us that we have absolutely no say in. All of this, the infertility, even the losses, is leading you to become a parent to one child waiting for you. I just hope and pray he or she will come soon.

    The worst infertility story I've ever heard is that of my friend's mother. She had two babies, that both died, not at birth but a few weeks after that. She then went through an extended period of infertility and a miscarriage, before having my friend and then her brother- completely normal, uneventful pregnancies. Its kind of hard to think of my friend not existing, but she would not, not without the horrible road that came before her first.

    Its only right that you grieve for owlet now, but you will be a parent someday. ((((((Hugs)))))

    ReplyDelete