Sunday, October 30, 2011

Seventy-five percent

Thank you very much for your comments. Each and everyone of your comments meant so much to me. As my posts have become more infrequent, I am surprises to get any comments at all. But I should give you more credit than that. You are some of the finest women I know, and I shouldn't be surprised that you are still there, still offering me life giving support. Thank you.

Tomorrow, I start the last week at my job in FTT. I have 5 more reports to write, and will find a way to get those written and signed. I had about 20 to write at the end of September, so I am 75% there.

75% is the theme, this week. I visited my beloved therapist last Wednesday. I was explaining to him that people ask about my new job and want to know if I'm excited. I disappoint them invariably. I am not excited. Mr. A and I are going on vacation next week to a tropical place. Again, people search for my excitement. I just can't deliver. That's not at all how I feel about the job, about the vacation.

75% of your experiences right now have to do with grief, he said.

Yes, that's right. About 75% of what I have is spent managing my grief. Most of the rest is on wrapping up my current job, and all that that entails. He wondered if maybe there was about 3% leftover to think of my next job. And maybe another 1-2% for the vacation. He's good with math, my therapist.

I am lucky to have a job right now, lucky to be going to another job when this one ends. I am lucky to be able to have the money to go on vacation. I am lucky to have a car, a roof over my head, food on the table. I try to hold on to that.

Just don't ask me to feel excited.

I am looking forward to alternating between doing nothing and reading a book on my week off. We are going to one of those all-inclusive resorts. Not really our usual type of vacation. We would typically go canoeing, hiking, cross-country skiing, or visit a big city and walk around until our feet hurt and we've gotten a lay of the land. But we're exhausted. So sitting on a beach and having all of our meals and as many drinks as it's going to take to stop feeling so crappy is what the doctor ordered.

Oh, and I guess having all that time just lazing around will give us a chance to talk. For example, about whether he still wants to have children or not. I was hoping we could do that kind of talking before the vacation so we could enjoy ourselves there, but I'm not sure we'll have the time to do that before. Life keeps going at a furious pace. We are at a standstill with that issue. I know that we need to talk, but there doesn't seem to be a good time. Oat suggested writing to him, which is a great idea. It's just that my thoughts have a hard time coming together (...after 10-11 hours of writing reports about small children with very complex mental health problems). I still need to bring it up, so that we can move forward one way or another.

I need to be strong.

I just fear what could potentially come out of such a discussion.


  1. I totally get this post. It is a just utter hell- how can you possibly be excited about anything. I do hope your vacation is relaxing, you certainly deserve some time off in the sun with big fruity drinks.
    sending love to you always.

  2. I hear you on the just relax vacation, sounds like a great idea. Thinking of you...

  3. Every time I look at pictures from the days when we were in the thick of it, I am reminded of how everything felt so incredibly greyscale. We'd try to get out of the house and do things, but there was such a pall. Not that I'm comparing my experience to yours, just saying it's so utterly impossible to not feel like shit when grieving.

    Congratulations on finishing up this gig. It sounded like it was quite intense even before things got so damn hard, and it also sounds like you did a brilliant job, really holding up your end despite your extra burdens. I don't think you have to be excited in order to get some benefit from this vacation. You don't even have to have a good time. I am just hoping for some peace, and yeah, for a chance to talk, and for a good outcome to the talk.

  4. That conversation would be very hard to have and very scary to initiate. I do really hope that he is on the same page as you and I do hope that you can at least feel at home in your own skin while away... if that makes any sense. Just try to take it in and do have as many drinks as it takes.

  5. I hope your time away from home brings the healing and peace you are seeking. I also hope you and Mr A can reconnect and both feel good about the direction you are taking in this difficult journey.

    Thinking of you

  6. Hey Augusta...I won't say "enjoy your much deserved vacation" so I will say I *hope* you enjoy your much deserved vacation. As for the potential "talk" during vacation...maybe that's the best time. Let your souls bake in the sun for a while and relax and then maybe just maybe you can have a clear and honest discussion about what's next. I am nervous for you as again all I can do is offer my HOPE that your talk will come to some sort of peace with whatever decision you two make. As always thinking of you...

  7. Oh my sweet friend. You are never far from my thoughts. I hope that you enjoy your trip. DH and I took a trip like yours and it was good. It was tough at first to relax, but seeing the ocean always seems to have a calming effect on me. We spent most of the trip avoiding the topic of infertility. In the end, we did talk about it but not until the end of the trip after many beverages and lots of sunshine. It was hard, but it was somewhat easier to have the conversation far away from home. I hope that you find some peace my friend. You are an amazing woman and I wish nothing but happiness for you.

  8. Chipping away. At you? At the percentage? I dunno. I hate looking around only to see the walls that have swallowed me.

    You know my hopes and wishes for you. I will break them down and be specific - sending you the best surge of skills for a difficult conversation and a massive reserve of strength and power to process what comes out of it.

    Let vacation take you away. I will be glad to see you at home.

  9. Sending you 100% of my love and support, as always. You are amazing, woman, simply for continuing to soldier on. Strength, support, and hugs. xoxo -A

  10. My dear, sweet freak,

    I hesitate to post here, have always hesitated to do so, but since I haven't managed to connect with you recently, I want you to know that I am here.

    I love you.

  11. When you are stuck in limbo it is hard to be excited about anything. Have a great vacation and I hope you and DH get some time to talk.