Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Marital Bliss

I'm reconsidering calling this blog 'Hell in a hand basket'

I am annoyed with myself that all I can do on this blog as of late is a) not write or b) complain. 

I feel like a resurgence of this blog is needed. That also goes for my whole life. A resurgence. Is there a 1-800 number for that? Can you share it with me if you have it.

I am down to the last 3 weeks at my job in FTT. It's been a great job, and it's been a completely overwhelming job. I am currently trying to hammer out the last 14 reports I have outstanding, hoping it can all get done in time before I have to hand in my keys. There are a lot of people I like very much at work and I feel sad that I will need to say goodbye. It's also been a good skill building job, a good experience acquiring job and a good resume building job.

There is another job waiting for me at the end of this one. Another mat leave coverage. Ha! The irony. But a job is a job, especially in this economy. It's also a good job where I will gain tons of experience. And, this job is closer to home. I can commute in about 45-55 minutes, and sleep at home each night. I'm relieved to have landed another job. As burnt out as I feel right now, I think being unemployed would be bad news bears.

The initial contact with large DC practice regarding the DE process has been made. Conversations have occurred between Mr. A and I. We haven't gone as far as securing the financing, but in my mind, this is where this ship is heading. In his mind? Well, that's another matter.

Hence the proposed title of my blog. Mr. A has continued with his talk of doubt about having kids. What? WHAT??? Who is this man that has been consistently telling me for the last 7 years that he wants children and wants to raise them with me?

Turns out our friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, have procreated. Baby Green was born about 6 weeks ago. Mr. Green takes baby Green out for walks at all hours of the day and night, trying to let mama get some sleep (and also trying to create a baby who loves the outdoors just as much as his parents, I suspect). He stops by our house all the time apparently, and chats up Mr. A. Something wonderful happens in all of this, since Mr. A and Mr. G get to deepen their already close friendship. The downside is that Mr. A is appreciating more fully what babies are all about, something he never had the chance to do before. And turns out, he's not so keen on changing diapers, losing sleep, etc. Oh, and the lack of sex! Right, like there is a lot of that going on in our infertile household.

He brought this up a few times now. The last time he did, I leveled with him and said that I was volunteering for all the infant care required to maintain our child alive and happy. That didn't help one bit, as he spent the rest of the day brooding. And he's not at all a brooder, my husband of the sunny disposition.

I don't have a profound analysis of what is going on to offer. I'm just a bit baffled. I hope he comes around. This makes me feel discouraged. Oh wait, I was already discouraged. So, I am at the stage beyond that, whatever it's called.  

This is perhaps why I am not writing very much these days. How many ways can I describe discouragement? How much more is there to say about the fact that I should be going on mat leave instead of covering another woman's job on a mat leave. How much do you want to hear from a bitter woman?

I keep hoping good things start to happen and that I can feel them sink into my heart. I know there are good things happening right now in my very own life, but the joy they produce just bounces off me. I can't feel it. I can't appreciate the goodness of my life. I just keep holding on to the notion that it is there and that I will find my way to it again someday.

For those who still read and for those who still read and comment, I want to say a warm thank you. Your support continues to be very meaningful. 

16 comments:

  1. Thinking of you. It's so hard when we are on a different page with our spouse, or when our spouse is so optimistic and me, well, not so much. It sounds like exciting changes are taking place on the job front, so enjoy that transition.

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  2. I think of you often, even if you aren't posting I wonder what is up in Augusta-land.

    I find there is a despair ebb and flow. And that you are in a long tide here waiting for avfreaking break. Well deserved at that! Doubt is an ugly thing and hard to battle in your own head, much less in that curious partner brain.

    Early infant days are not the best selling point to parenthood. I am hoping that as the baby gets a bit bigger, those encounters will provide hope.

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  3. hell in a handbasket, considering all that you've been thru this year, I think that you might be on to a fitting blog title. Seriously, you and Mr A have been through the ringer and back, and are still navigating a long dark tunnel tunnel together.

    I do think about you all the time, and so wish that i could just drop by to leave you some chocolate ice cream and pretty flowers. Neither travel well by postal service.

    Wishing you some patience as you wait for this particular handbasket to pass you by.

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  4. I think about how you are doing even when you don't write. I have gone through the partner doubts and I agree with misfit, the early baby weeks of sleep deprivation can't be a good selling point. Hang in there, I hope this eases up soon and you can feel some joy creep in.

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  5. I think it's normal for one or both people to have doubts during our long battle with infertility. It's a scary thing, especially when you throw in donor eggs.

    Perhaps a good sit down and talk with your hubby will get to the bottom of what's really behind his doubts. I'll bet it's not really about the sleepless nights and lack of sex. As you say, sex for infertile couples isn't exactly like a second honeymoon.

    Good luck with the new job and good luck with your donor egg journey. As always, feel free to email me if you've got questions about them. I just got back from DC doing my frozen egg transfer so it's all pretty fresh in my mind.

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  6. Augusta...first of all sorry about the old job but the new job sounds great as you'll be home every night. I really hope you'll be able to secure something permanent soon. As for Mr. A doubting what parenthood is like...he's not getting a very accurate picture of what raising a baby is like. Yes...a NEWBORN is a TONNE of work...in the beginning. In the first 2 months they literally suck the living life out of you and even question "and I signed up for this, really?" There were nights where me and my DH were wondering if we'd ever get to see each other again. We thought this new existence would never pass. But EVERYTHING is a phase...and thankfully babies go through many of them and fast. The crying eventually stops and is replaced with smiles. Sorry...I don't mean to rub this in your face as that's not my intention. But just wanted to say that raising a newborn is WAYYYY different than raising a 3+ month old baby. So Mr. A's friend is in the newborn trenches right now and I doubt he'll pass along just how wonderful his baby is when he/she grows out of the newborn stage. So...hoping you can give him some candid advice. And Mr. A is no doubt exhausted about going forward with another round of DE IVF and that challenge on top of the "newborn stories" he hears from his friend would make ANYONE want to run for the hills. But...will Mr. A regret if he did not give every last drop of effort...one last hurrah? Will he be able to overcome the resentment/guilt that he did not do it for you? That's coming from someone who was ready to throw in the towel before the DE IVF. I admit the DE IVF round we went through was in the beginning 25% for myself and 75% for DH. I realize everyone has boundaries and limits but I think Mr. A. is making his decision based on the overwhelming thoughts of what life with a "newborn" is like and that small, precious stage in life passes like a flash of lightening. Really hope Mr. A. and you find some common ground and move forward with another round of DE IVF. If not...well I wish you both peace in whatever journey you decide and hopefully together.

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  7. my dear augusta. I wanted to both laugh and cry while reading this post. You have such a way with words and describing how so many of us feel in this infertile world. How many ways are there to describe your discouragement? so many, keep writing we love to hear them all. I am glad you will have another job at the end of this one. And I do hope Mr. A starts feeling better and remembers all the joys that a child can bring.

    thinking of you

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  8. Oh, Gussie. Two consecutive mat leaves, huh? That is rather a slap in the face, not only in its impermanence, but due to the reason people take mat leaves in the first place. I did two of them in three years, but it was before we were trying to have our own babies, and so my annoyance was merely that of having to be the new kid over and over. I'm glad that at least the two of you and Chicken won't have to sleep apart anymore. Even once you're used to it, I can't imagine that arrangement's not taking its toll.

    So I don't know anything about having babies, but I do know what people always say, which is that when it's your own kid, everything is different. I get where Mr. A is coming from: the way Life with Newborn looks from the outside seems insane and inadvisable at best, and the stuff of homicide at worst. But I think that when it's your own newborn, it's a whole other jar of diaper cream, if you'll excuse the overused expression. And, like Lisa said, it of course passes. Not that any of this is news to you. But I'd like to think that the ridiculousness of the amount of work and sleeplessness in the first few months coincides nicely with a filter of head-over-heels adoration for the kid that makes the whole thing bearable. Maybe? And you're not looking through those lenses at someone else's baby; it just seems nuts.

    I hope Mr. A remembers what you guys are fighting this impossibly unfair battle for. Because you are going to be the most wonderful parents ever. May the next steps on the journey make themselves clear, the financing be survivable, and your baby--or its promise--just get itself into your life already, by whatever means it takes. I love you and miss you and think of you guys. xoxoxoxoxoxo

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  9. Thank you for your courage, as always, and for taking the time to write, Augusta, even if it is so tremendously draining and painful. We are with you. Still. Every step of the journey. Sending you oceans of love, support, and positive energy. xoxo Dragonfly

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  10. I'm so happy about the new job! Maybe it feels insignificant, but I bet it's a testament to your amazing work at the last one and your fantastic hard-earned qualifications. And yeah, I agree with your suspicion that unemployment would not be a good thing to add to the mix. Sleeping at home, on the other hand, probably will be. (Maybe--still not sharing a bed with my husband...but he brings me coffee in the morning...)

    As for Mr. A, well, wow! I am honestly just astonished. There's some lovely wisdom above, so I won't try to add anything, except that some babies are easy, and OH MY GOD HOW COULD ANYONE NOT BE WILLING TO SUCK IT UP FOR THE SAKE OF A CHILD'S SWEET SMILE? Er...right, was trying not to be judgmental. Some babies are easy. And it's worth it. And he better change his share of diapers. But for reals, this sounds like an incredibly tough thing to add to the mix. Incredibly. Much love to you as you work through this, and don't you worry your pretty little head about not feeling the joy. I hope no-one would expect you to.

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  11. I'm so sorry Augusta. This is a particularly difficult time, in a time that was already heartbreakingly difficult. I know that my husband and I felt like we were on different pages (or, rather, I felt like he was on a different page than me.) I don't know if others have addressed this in earlier comments, but sometimes we rationalize that we don't want something because we haven't had it yet. Perhaps that is what your husband is doing: thinking of all the negative things about having a child, so he doesn't have to think about the difficulties that you both have endured.

    I hope you soon get some peace your life, especially your (new) job and your marriage.

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  12. I think so many people have said things very well - you write simply but powerfully, and capture your painful, painful situation very well. Thank you for continuing to write and to share - sending you much love and hugs for some peace and resolution. Clare xxxx

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  13. These sure sound like heavy times. Escalation leads to arguments and you dont want to end up there. Care and special delivery around these emotions is the make or break point, isnt it? Always is when it is something that matter so very damn much.

    I hurt just reading it all. It must be a little smothering on your end. I sure wish I could do, save, change, impregnate, whatever.... I would do anything to help this all pass.

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  14. I'm so sorry for all the challenges that are currently battling it out in your life. You are such a wonderful, compassionate, courageous woman and deserve the desires you have for your life. I think all couples at times wrestle with doubts about whether it's all worth the troubles infertility brings to have a child and sounds like Mr. A's friend isn't helping matters. While the first few weeks of parenthood can be challenging as things smooth out they are worth it, hopefully his friend will begin sharing a more positive spin on parenthood with him that will offer some encouragement.
    Hoping this next job is taking you to the people you need in your life in this moment, that they can encourage and support, strengthen and deepen your life in just the way you need at this point. Sending love & hope my friend.

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  15. HI! I found your blog through my friend Finding My New Normal. We were talking about Donor egg clinics because she is using the same one I used and said you were possibly using them also.

    I am sorry Mr. A and His friend Mr. G isn't helping the situation. I am sure Mr. A will come around. I know when I first started talking to DH about egg donation he flipped out. They just need time to stew (well at least mine does).

    Donor Diva

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  16. It is entirely your prerogative to complain or not write, and you should do exactly which one moves you (and nothing else).

    I'm relieved that you are going home, Augusta. Relieved. I know it's not a cure-all. But it's going to make a big difference to be together under the same roof (not to mention cat therapy 7 days weekly).

    In terms of the Mister, I bet it's more complicated than he's copping to. Do you think part of it might be that he's simply afraid to hope, and that this has somehow translated into what appears like ambivalence? So much easier to say, Nah...maybe we should rethink. (I do wish Mr. A would visit a little less frequently).

    This ship is headed DC-ward. My guess is that Mr. A will be on board (but I'd like him to make that easy on you).

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