Saturday, August 20, 2011

Pissing in the ocean: our latest steps to babymaking

I started a mega pumped up cycle last weekend. Those descriptors are to characterize the amount of estrogen I am taking, and certainly not how my spirits feel about it. There won't be an IVF or any other attempts at pregnancy during this cycle, but instead an endometrial biopsy on labor day weekend. Something to look forward to, indeed.

Dr. RE put me on 8mgs of est.race (which includes a nightly vaginal dose resulting in bright green discharge the next day. fun). I am also on an estrogen patch (oes.clim). I change the patch every 3 days and I feel a bit dizzy on the first day of the new application. I wonder if he shouldn't have also prescribed estrogen eye drops, an estrogen nose spray and estrogen bath salts, just to make sure we had all the routes of entry covered.

What's the point of all this? Dr. RE wants to look at the cells of my endometrium to see if they look normal and to rule out serious lining issues before we try another expensive, time consuming, emotionally draining and third-party involving method of having a baby.

Like all of you, I am a very good patient. I am a doctor's dream. I am compliant; I ask good questions, but not too many; I don't pester the clinic; I understand directions readily and follow them to the letter; I avoid investing my medical team with powers they do not possess; I am polite and friendly. This buys you squat in the babymaking department. But this is the mode I find myself in right now. I'm not questioning it and not thinking about it beyond the immediate pill-taking and patch-sticking. I am apprehensive about the biopsy. I had a cervical biopsy many years ago and it hurt like hell.

A negative outcome of the endometrial biopsy is the end of road in terms of ever trying to have a baby through pregnancy. Thus, the end of the road might be near. There is also the other outcome: an inconclusive one, an outcome where we go ahead and contemplate another donor egg or donor embryo cycle, knowing all too well that the chances of success are far from favourable.

This is what led us to get on with the adoption process right away. We had a consultation with an adoption counselor in July and discussed our options. We already knew that our preference was for private domestic adoption, but the consultation confirmed it. We heard hard things during the consult: only about 80 newborns a year get placed with adoptive families in this province through domestic adoption. The average time it takes for couples to be chosen is 2 years. I would have liked to know the standard deviation, but I didn't want to appear like too much of a geek. I might have also been afraid of the answer. Mr. A with his deep well of optimism thinks that we will be chosen right away because we are so awesome. Ha! I'm not so sure about that, but it's nice that one of us is optimistic. 

I realize that efforts made towards having a baby are not in vain, but it just fucking feels like they are. Still, I worked on a farm for long enough to know that if you don't plant any seeds, you will not get any lettuce or tomatoes. So these seeds need to be planted, no matter how crummy my spirits feel these days. 


15 comments:

  1. I had a biopsy last summer and I was unprepared, my RE offered me some Ad.vil out of her purse as it was so unexpected. It did hurt, but it didn't last long and as soon as it was over, the pain was gone. Ask your Re if there are any pain meds you can take in advance.

    Are they looking to see if you lack the beta integrin hormone? If they find the answer is yes, I think the treatment is pretty easy, 2 months of depot Lupron which can be hell on your hormones and body, but a relatively easy fix.

    In any case, I. Hoping it goes well, you get some definitive answers and can begin the next step of your journey.

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  2. Several things come to mind reading this. First, that's sweet of you to assume that we are all good patients. I have a delicious mental image of you being a really demanding, attitudinal patient who stomps her feet and yells. I think that would be fun, and at the very least, it's fun to imagine, isn't it? Second, Mr. August is right: you two are awesome. Any kiddo would be so damn lucky to get you as parents. I know that my saying that doesn't change anything or help the process along, but it's how I feel. This biopsy sounds sucky, but hopefully diagnostically useful. I'm sorry they're so thoroughly hormonifying you; did you consider estrogen shampoo? Hair follicles as an avenue of absorption are not to be underestimated. Love you, woman. Here with you always. <3

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  3. I'm sorry you're feeling faced with so many obstacles. Even though you may not feel it your strength shines through as you continue forward and put yourself out there even though you feel the changes aren't great. You & Mr. A are a strong couple and it's evident you will become parents one way or another. I hope the biopsy goes well but I think it's smart to consider all your options. And I completely agree with Mr. A. You guys are an incredible couple and anyone looking will see that. Sending continued love, strength, and hope your way.

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  4. Great analogy...hoping your seeds come to fruition soon. Good luck on your biopsy...and congrats on taking the first few steps towards adoption!

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  5. I'm feeling your frustration and sadness. I hope that you biopsy goes well, is not terribly painful, and you get good results. I also hope that your children come to you sooner rather than later, because you ARE going to be an awesome mom. With your drive and determination, they will be lucky to have you and Mr. A parents. Truely.

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  6. Just stopping in to offer support during these next steps. I hope the biopsy is quick painless and gives you good useful info.

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  7. The title of this post speaks volumes of the frustration you must be feeling but you are right if you do nothing then nothing will happen. Good for you looking into several options at once, that takes strength and patience.

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  8. Inch by inch, row by row, gonna make this (family) grow ... I'm right beside you as you sow these seeds, dear Augusta, and I know there will be a beautiful harvest one day.

    All my love,
    H.

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  9. I'm glad to hear that you are considering your options. And I am also glad to hear the doctor wants to check everything out before just moving ahead... I hate when they don't do that... I know some tough decisions and things to think about will be ahead, just wanted to remind you I- we- are here for you.

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  10. It makes sense that your doctor wants to do the biopsy - and it may not be as black and white as the end of the road vs. trying the same again. There may be things that can be suggested (Viagra, anyone?) for another cycle, or a removal of anything that's there to let new tissue grow. That said...things that make sense don't always feel good, or right, or hopeful. And I imagine that right about now it is feeling like one more hoop through which you're being asked to jump.

    But you're equally right about planting those seeds. And I happen to think that Mr. A is also correct.

    As far as the crummy spirits...the truth is that your spirits don't have to be high in order for the seeds to take root. They just do sometimes. (And I hope that now is the time).

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  11. I think I love Mr August and agree that you and he would make the most incredible parents that you would of course be the top choice for any selfless couple selecting an adoptive family. If only we had that crystal ball to confirm our hunches.

    Sometimes it is so much easier to be an easy compliant patient, as opposed to the researched questioning patient. I am so glad that you have a doctor who you trust.

    I am thinking about you all the time - sending you thoughts of love and peace and patience.

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  12. This current step seems to combine a feeling of pointlessness (you've got no shot at conception) with high stakes (a potential end to the dream of pregnancy and childbirth) in a way that has got to be incredibly hard to get through. It's completely shitty, and I'm so sorry you guys have to go through it.

    I certainly agree that you guys are beyond awesome, and boy do I wish that were all that was needed--there'd be a big pile of newborns on your doorstep by morning. For now, I'll just give you a virtual hug and send hopes that this minute, this hour, this day are bearable.

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  13. I know it can seem fruitless and hopeless, but each step is a step towards SOMETHING. Perhaps more of the same, perhaps something different. But it'll be something. And the thing is, you never know where those steps will take you. You think you know. You know where you'd like to go. But where it all ends up .... God knows. All you can do is take the steps; so keep walking, sister. You know it's the only thing you CAN do; and I'm proud of you for stepping up

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  14. I agree with Mr. August, you are so awesome. I too share your hope that you will be able to adopt sooner than in 2 yrs time. it is hard to keep your spirits up with the daunting obstacles health wise and waiting wise that you face. At least it was for me. Oh how I hope that the day you hold your little baby in your arms comes soon. Thinking of you.

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  15. Hi Augusta, I'm thinking of you this weekend and hoping that all goes well!

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