Tuesday, July 26, 2011

infertile shrink humour

from psychotherapy.net
Called my lovely therapist back today, after not seeing him since November. Maybe he'll help me find some words.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Cake-eating Aries

I've always enjoyed reading real life astrology 
by Rob Brezsny. This week, Brezsny tells me this:

"ARIES (March 21-April 19): I dreamed you were 
in a cake store. Every delicious kind of cake you 
could imagine was there: carrot cake, 
strawberry cheesecake, gooey butter cake, rich 
chocolate cake with four layers of cherries 
and whipped cream,birthday cakes that must have
been baked in paradise. Sadly, there was a problem: 
You weren't allowed to buy anything, even though 
you had enough money. A big sign on the wall said, 
simply, "Absolutely no cakes available for Aries." 
What do you think my dream means? More importantly, 
what are you going to do about the 
situation? I suggest that in my next dream, you 
get a friend to buy a cake for you. Either that, 
or go to a different cake store. One way or another, 
the astrological omens say it's high time for you get 
the cake you want."
(Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter) 
I found it apt, somehow.

No cake for me. Now what?

The endometrial biopsy will happen at the beginning of September. We will at least know if we can try again for a pregnancy, whether with donor eggs or donor embryos.

We've started the adoption process. 

I can't keep standing in that store being told I can't have any cake.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Got nothing

That's what I feel like most of the time. I've got nothing to say. I realize that this conflicts with the regular updating of a blog. Accept my apologies. It is a dark, wordless land where I live.

As you can tell from the tone of my last post, I've been struggling in the wake of our miscarriage. And then Misfit Mrs. had miscarriage #7. That somehow just finished me. This game has never been about what's fair, but somehow that was just too insulting. I think if anyone had spoken a word about the effing Universe and its ways, I would have bitten their head off completely. Yes, the normally caring and good-natured Augusta has grown into an angry and bitter woman.

I get it. It's part of the package deal - and we've apparently signed up for the all-inclusive dream cruise. Infertiles have to put up with a lot of shit; hope, anxiety, crushing disappointments, grief, loss of social connections, feelings of personal failure, etc. I am getting to experience a lot of what the dream cruise has to offer at the moment.

The only time I feel ok is when I am working. At work, I play a child psychologist. I'm a pleasant, well-liked member of a clinical team, who smiles a lot and gives the impression of deep personal satisfaction. I think I might get nominated for a Genie award this year (for my International readers, this is the Canadian equivalent to the Oscars).

On weekends, I stop acting. Weekends are hard. 

One good thing that happened since I last posted is that I met Pumpkin during the Canada day long weekend. I went to visit my family in Montreal and there she was, having herself a little holiday with Mr. Pumpkin, so we decided to meet. And wow!  is she ever wonderful! You already know that from reading her blog, but I got to experience it firsthand. For both Mr. August and I, our time with the Pumpkins was the highlight of our trip.