Sunday, May 1, 2011

the telling begins

I can't really say the news has fully sunk in. When did you start believing your were pregnant? I know that I can say the words: "I'm pregnant" and that those words reflect a biological fact. I know that the collection of symptoms I feel are all explained by that very biological fact. Yet, I am truthfully still at the stage of skeptical bemusement.

The word is getting out, although I am titrating the flow at which it goes very carefully (trying to). Some of the immediate family now knows. Friends that supported us through Infertility Hell also know. In four weeks, if all continues to go well, there will be more people to tell. Like my dad for instance. I have chosen not to tell him before we reach T2. Explaining the whole egg donation situation to my dad will be tricky. Not that he will be upset or negative about it, more that it may be difficult for him to fully understand it. He gets confused by medicine and science. He never made it past grade 10. He's not an idiot, but he is not at all worldly. Bottom line is that if I'm happy, he will be happy. But I anticipate it to be tricky. And I insist on telling him about the egg donation. I feel strongly that he has a right to know that the child won't be genetically related to me and our side of the family. Obviously, Mr. A and I have fully embraced egg donation and Sattva's generous gift. But both my parents have a right to know this fact so that they can do what they need to do to come to a place of acceptance.

We met my mom and stepdad for a few days in Toronto over Easter weekend. I might have chosen to wait to tell my mom, but I don't see her all that often since we live about 600km (375 miles for my American friends) away from one another. So it made sense to tell her now. There was also the fact that Mr. A's parents knew that we were going through the procedure and were told that it resulted in a pregnancy early on that made it imperative to tell her. We didn't want her to feel left out because we told them and not her.

The telling was very fun. We were at lunch on Saturday and I busted out a little board book I bought in preparation for the reveal. My mom is a chartered accountant by trade, although she fries bigger fish these days, so I thought a book about counting would be up her alley, and part of our child's education she would certainly like to be involved with. And besides, all the 'grandmother to be' books portrayed antithetical grandmothers to the kind she will be (i.e. she will not bake cookies, knit booties or sew quilts). She opened the present and was trying to figure out what cockatoos were and why we were giving her a book about cockatoos. "Mom, you'll need this at your house. You'll want to read it to a little person." It was my stepdad who blurted it out, and much to my surprise, he started shedding actual tears. So did my mom. It was great. I'd never seen them so emotional. The rest of the weekend had quite the celebratory tone.

It's funny how I had idealized my mom's reaction to our donor. In retrospect, her reaction was exactly in keeping with what I know of her. I had imagined her being immensely grateful and wanting to buy Sattva an expensive gift. In actuality, she was cautious at first. She asked if Sattva had any claims on this baby and could she later on "take it back". Mr. A and I quickly nipped that issue in the bud. It felt a bit strange to us because we know and love Sattva, and understand why she donated. I can't say I fault my mom for her reaction. I can think of it as her wanting to make sure I was protected because she cares about me. And I also feel glad we told my mom and stepdad about the egg donation part of this beautiful equation at the start of the weekend because they had time to ask questions during the rest of the weekend. I think by the end, my mom did not feel cautious anymore about the donor. I am also planning for them to meet when my mom and step dad come for my convocation in June.

I am thinking about the next wave of announcements come June. At that point, we (read: I) will feel comfortable with the word spreading, although I certainly won't be posting an ultrasound picture on fb. As I approach this stage, I am thinking of those I could sadden with our good news, just as I felt devastated so many times in the past with pregnancy announcements. There are of course those women in my life who I know the news might be hard to take. And then there are those who might get hurt but that I won't know until it's too late. I realize that it won't be me who is hurting them, but infertility who is the assaulting party. Nevertheless, it feels very strange to be on the other side right now, and to be close to having this great, big, happy news to share.

11 comments:

  1. That is so exciting that you are starting to tell. I understand being cautious though - but we definitely weren't. We were super open the whole time about IVF so everyone was sort of just waiting on the day we were waiting. I understand that with egg donation you may feel more sensitive and I think everyone will (or should) understand that too. I hope that everyone embraces the gift that this is for you two.

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  2. Glad the "telling" went well. I think it is normal for your mom to have those questions and concerns. With our adoption, some family members had those same questions and concerns. I think it stems from not knowing and maybe being scared as well to get their hopes up only to have them dashed as well.

    You are so kind to be thinking of those whom you tell who might be hurt by the news. You are also right to recognize that it is "infertility" that is the "assaulting party" And yes, it is strange to cross over to the happy side of family building.

    Isn't it fun to celebrate? I have such great memories of the celebratory and "telling" time. Enjoy it!

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  3. I am so very happy for you my dear! Thinking of you!

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  4. Love that you told your mom and stepdad. I still not say "i'm pregnant" but thankfully my big belly says it for me. Everyone is different. I envy those that are relaxed and living in the moment so go for it! So happy for you.

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  5. So glad you've begun to share this beautiful, wonderful, *actual* news! And I'm delighted for the tears that your mother and stepdad shed. But have to admit that, underneath it all, I'm worried about whether your birthday present ever arrived. But far, far less than I am thrilled that you're getting to experience all this and excited about your baby-to-be. xoxo

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  6. I'm so glad you're starting to enjoy telling people! Your such a kind compassionate person to worry about others in the midst of your own celebratory news. Try to embrace the joy & excitement of this time. Sending love your way my friend ((hugs))

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  7. It definitely took a while before I "felt" pregnant--maybe by 20 weeks or so? But announcing it was super fun. Enjoy every reaction you get!

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  8. I reckon I'll really accept that I'm pregnant some time after Bun Bun is born. I feel like it's one of those things that defies comprehension. I'm so glad you got those gratifying reactions. I hope the meeting goes equally well in June.

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  9. Hey Augusta...so glad you are so darn happy! It certainly feels so daunting to feel so happy after so many years of misery. Bask in it...enjoy it! For me I did not really believe I was pregnant until week 12 and then around week 16 - 18 when I began to feel immensely excited...just how I always imagined I would feel after seeing a BFP. So it took me quite a while. I still have moments of crippling fear but that's just good ole IF and pg loss wreaking havoc. But just refuse to let fear take this away from you. I am also a HUGE advocate for DE disclosure. I am glad that your mom and stepdad fully embrace the concept. Most people I tell do as well...they just have a few questions like your mom did but I think its important to tell those that need to know early on or in the pg so that when baby arrives its a non-issue.

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  10. Good times Augusta. What a treat and passage at the same time to tell your mother. You are compassionate even when sharing your own hard earned joyous news.

    I hope your stomach settles and you feel pregnant for any other reason than the barfs.

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  11. So glad the time with your mom and stepdad was good. And glad it was a celebratory weekend. Her reaction is understandable - it's protective, and she doesn't know what a lovely lady Sattva is. And it sounds like you explained it really well.

    And in terms of your question - I still don't really believe it. Or trust it, I suppose. But it IS. And you are:) Lovely, lovely fact.

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