Wednesday, May 25, 2011

It's over.

(oh, how I have dreaded ever having to write this post. But here we are).

Little owlet did not make it. He stopped growing at some point between our 8 week u/s and now.

I went for the u/s this morning and when I asked if there was a fetus in there, the response was "I'm not seeing what I should be seeing at 12 weeks". We then did a transvaginal u/s and no words were coming out of the technician's mouth. Only my sobs to fill the room.

Of course, technicians can't tell you anything, because they are not doctors. He said my doctor would be calling later today or tomorrow.

On my way out, I dropped my glass water bottle. It smashed into hundreds of pieces. There were 2 men from housekeeping standing 10 feet from me. They didn't acknowledge me when I walked towards them. When I asked if there was something I could do to help clean up, one of they shoved a broom in my hands and left. I picked up all the pieces and went home.

I did not return to work but went back to Pleasantville instead. Mr. A and I have just been sobbing all afternoon.

My doctor called several times. She is very kind. Even gave me her home number in one of her messages. I did get to talk to her, and she confirmed that this is a miscarriage. She needs to get the u/s report to know what the next steps will be. I guess it will go one of three ways, all of which sound horrid. The worst is yet to come.

I'm not sure how we're going to tell Sattva. We might need to wait until tomorrow. We both are train wrecks at the moment.

51 comments:

  1. Oh no! I am utterly devastated for you. There are no words. Take each day at a time. XX

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  2. I am so, so sorry. Abiding with you during this difficult time.

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  3. I am so very sorry. This is such a painful and difficult thing to go through. I am thinking of you and wish I could ease the grief.

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  4. ((((((( Augusta + Mr. A )))))))))
    Sending you all the love and all the hugs the universe can hold.
    XOXOXOXOXOXO, Oat

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  5. Oh Augusta, I am just devastated for you. Sending my thoughts to you right now.

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  6. I am so, so very sorry. This has brought me to tears as well. I am so sad you have to go through this. I know there is nothing I can write here that will make you feel any better - but please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you for the strength to get through this.

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  7. You, Augs. You are supposed to be a mommy. I am so full of profanity and heartbreak at this turn of events. Universe, you're being an asshole with my sweet Augusta and we are so not amused. Woman, I am so, so very sorry. You know where to find me and I will keep finding you. If I sent cookies, would you be able to eat them? All the hugs you can bear and then some for you and Mr. August.

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  8. I'm so sorry. *hugs* I went through this last May (and December) - my posts from that period may be helpful.

    I hate it when bad things happen to good people.

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  9. Oh, Augusta! My heart is aching for you. This is the worst thing I could have imagined. So fucking unfair. This is a hard bit in the immediate future, but I am here to tell you that it will be worse, but also better. Eventually. I would have wished anything in the world to spare you this pain. I am so sorry.

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  10. I am so sorry for your loss.
    I am here if you need someone to listen.
    rememberingalexander@hotmail.com

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  11. No, no, no! Oh crap this is such sad news I'm so sorry. Lots of hugs to you and the mr.

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  12. Oh my friend, I'm so deeply sorry...tears filled my eyes as I read your post and felt the heaviness of your grief and this loss. I hate that this has happened to you and wish so much I could somehow take away your pain. I wish there was more I could offer you, a respite from this nightmare, a hug to comfort and a shoulder to cry on. It is times like this I wish so many miles weren't separating us. Hoping you feel wrapped in love by so many whose hearts are heavy today abiding with you as you mourn and that you feel the strength I know you possess to move forward.

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  13. I heard about your loss on Rebecca's blog ... I am so, so sorry. My heart aches for you and your husband. You will be in my thoughts.

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  14. Augusta I am so very sorry.

    I have so many words that all feel irrelevant right now.

    You and your husband are in my prayers with Sattva. You are such a special and wonderful family. I am so sorry Augusta.

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  15. I heard about your loss on Rebecca's blog. ((HUGS)) I am thinking of your and your husband.

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  16. Oh my dear friend, my heart is breaking for you. I am so very deeply sorry. This is just so not fair. Please know I am here if you want to vent or talk. Sadly, I've been there. Keeping you all close in my heart my friend.

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  17. I have been where you are and it is so incredibly hard. It's unfair that you should have to go through so much struggle only to lose the hard won ground that you gained. I found it appallingly hard to process the sheer unfairness of it all.

    But, I got through it. And so will you. Yes you will. You may not think it right now, but I know it. And you will be so much stronger for it. For now, though, grieve, hurt, cry and be pissed off. That is the first step.

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  18. I am so so sorry for your loss.

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  19. There are no words but I am sorry for your loss and thinking of you.

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  20. I am so so sorry. I wish with all my heart this was not so.

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  21. My thoughts are with you...so sorry.

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  22. Oh I am just so sad for you guys. Why is life so unfair? I'm thinking about you three right now.

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  23. I am stopping over from Rebecca's blog and I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words. Please know that I am sending loving thoughts your way. ((hugs))

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  24. Oh, Augusta, I am so very, very, very sorry. I just have no words. I am abiding with you and keeping your family in my prayers as you traverse this painful time.

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  25. Mama Owl, I am gutted for you. This was not the news you hoped for or expected, and I'm feeling shaken in this moment at just how unfair this loss is. This is terrible. There are no words of comfort I can give you (though I wish desperately that I could). There are days that just have to be endured and I am just so filled with sorrow that you are living them now.

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  26. Oh Augusta, I am hurting so much for you right now. This is so unfair, and so unexpected and I know there are no words for this in ANY case. I am here for you if you need, any time you need. jesstutt@gmail.com

    Please know I am thinking of you.

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  27. I am stunned and brokenhearted for you. This little one was made with so much love--it defies all understanding that you should have to experience this loss. I am sending you both all my useless love.

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  28. Oh no. I'm so very sorry to hear this terrible news.
    Thinking of you.

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  29. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Please know that many thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  30. I am so, so sorry for your horrible loss. Thinking of you.

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  31. Hello beloved friends of Augusta,

    I just got off the phone with our beautiful, brave girl. She has been having tech trouble with Blogger (now is *not* a good time for this, little bloggy gremlins) and has not been able to get on and update you all. She asked me to let you know that she will be having surgery (a D&C) this afternoon.

    She'll arrive at the hospital at 1:30 and the surgery is scheduled for 3:30 under general anesthesia. Mr. August is going with her and will be waiting in the recovery room when she wakes up. She will be back home tonight. Being the lovely friend that she is, she most wanted me to tell you all that she's not able to post right now and will be back with an update soon. But we all know that right now she needs us -- so while I know you already are doing so, please send Augusta even more of your love, your support, your prayers, and your comfort.

    With virtual hugs and gratitude for all of you,
    Oat

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  32. Here from Jess's blog. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I also had a missed miscarriage that was found at about 12 weeks and it was devastating. I'm so sorry.

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  33. Hello,
    My name is Felicia. I too am a BLM. I was referred to your blog from "The road less traveled".
    I am so sorry that things have gone in this direction. These words will not heal the grief that you and Mr. A are feeling. I hope that I can become a source of comfort knowing a complete stranger came to comment on your blog all in the name of sorrow.
    My hope is that this sad event won't stop your hope and that you are surrounded by those that truly love you. I hope the future days will prove to be gentle. Know that those that don't personally know are thinking of you in this day.
    ~Felicia

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  34. I'm here from Jess' blog. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I am sending thoughts and prayers.

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  35. I'm over here from the little blog about the big infertility...My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss today. :(

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  36. Sending you all love and strength, I am so sorry to read this. I was cheering you on from afar in cyberspace. Know you are being held in prayer.

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  37. I'm so sorry. After having miscarried 4 times myself, my heart aches for you. (Here from Jes' blog, too.)

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  38. I'm so sorry about your little one. Sending prayers your way.

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  39. Visiting via Rebecca...so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Thinking of you.

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  40. Thank you for the update Oat! Sweet Augusta you've been on my mind and in my heart all day. Continuing to send love, strength and hope your way. Sending prayers for you and Mr. A and wishing there was so much more that could be done.

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  41. Aching for you, crying for you, praying for you, loving you. Wishing I could do so much more.

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  42. Sending lots of love to you...

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  43. I am so sorry for you guys. Thinking of you.

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  44. Yes, Oat, thanks so much for the update. Augusta, you and Mr. A continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing there was more I could do for you.

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  45. Oh Augusta, I am beyond sad for you. I can't believe that this has happened to you and am sending you all my love. This is so unfair.
    Big hugs.

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  46. I am so so so sad to hear your news. I am sorry for that little owlet that did not make it.

    Here via Egghunt's blog.

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  47. This has shaken me to the core. It just feels so unfair and wrong. I could have never have imagined a child conceived with such love and intention. That will never change.

    All of my love to you and Mr A.

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  48. Hi there, Here from "Glass Case of Emotion's" blog...I am so so sorry for your loss...it's hard to know what to say, but just know that you did NOTHING to cause this and this is in no way your fault.....hang in there as best you can and take as much time as you need to grieve....sending you big virtual hugs!!

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  49. Augusta, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry I wasn't here to lend my support earlier. I've been having trouble with blogger and didn't see your post.

    Please know that this isn't your fault and there was nothing that you could do. I'm not sure if that will help or not, but I wanted to say it.

    (((HUGS))) to you.

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