Tuesday, April 12, 2011

fear is the colour red

I am sitting on the couch at the house where I board, and trying to focus on breathing well and deep. Last night was rough.

I had a long, stressful day at work yesterday, not uncommon when working in the child mental health field. I finally left at around 6:30pm and went to get groceries. I felt a bit uncomfortable in the store and decided to wrap up my shopping quickly and head home (the place where I board during the week). On my short drive, I had menstrual-type cramps and cold sweats because I knew what that meant. Got home and there was blood, much more blood than anyone at this stage would be comfortable with. It seemed like the start of a period. I immediately lied down and called Mr. A in Pleasantville.

It took about 2 hours to get connected with the on-call physician from the fertility clinic, but I was thankful to talk to her at last. She said to take my prom.etrium by mouth, keep my feet up, think good thoughts and call my nurse case manager in the morning.

The blood did not keep pouring. The cramping stopped completely. I was shaking like a leaf in my bed, and poor Mr. A was just crying his eyes out on the phone. It felt so much like things were going south very fast, but I was trying hard to keep calm. I talked to Dragonfly who reminded me that bleeding is common in early pregnancy. My house mates reminded me of this as well. This helped me calm down a bit.

Mr. A borrowed a car from a friend and got here at midnight. Neither of us slept very well, but we were each grateful to be together. I talked to our nurse this morning, who was able to get a hold of our physician. They said that blood work at this point would not tell them much. They also thought that an ultrasound would be too early at this point. She said that an ultrasound today would likely create more, not less, apprehension, confusion and fear. They did move up my u/s from April 26 to April 19. They think that at that point, they will be able to measure the sac(s) and little guy(s) and compare this data to normative data. It is also feasible that a heartbeat(s) could be detected on that day. April 19 is the day I was born. Let us hope that my birthday is a happy one this year.

Today, there is no more bleeding, but a bit of brownish spotting. No cramping. Immense fear. I'm not sure what to think. Will we even make it to next Tuesday? Out of the first trimester? To the birth of a healthy baby? I won't find out unless I keep putting one step in front of the other.

I hope that the embie(s) can hold on.  


  1. Oh, I am sorry for your scare and hope everything will be OK.

    I have heard/read that not only do many women have bleeding in early pregnancy but for reasons that aren't clear it can be even more common with DE. I visit the forums of Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED), and I've seen lots of posts there about this.

  2. Oh shiiiiiiiit. It's hard enough to have faith when everything is fine, but this really tests a girl... I can't add anything to what you already know, except to say that it's SO common, even vast quantities of bright red blood. Every time this happens to someone (which is often! often!), I send them Finch's story:
    search for "steady red flow accompanied by aching cramps"

    A lot of times it seems to be a subchorionic hematoma, just in case you want a real, concrete alternative to miscarriage.

    I am focusing my rays of life and strength and health on your uterus, and holding your virtual hand.

  3. Oh your night sounds like a nightmare. It is so hard to reassure yourself and it must be terribly hard to wait until next week for an US. I am glad your husband drove down to be with you and the good news is that the bleeding did stop. I will be thinking of you two and hoping the time flies by to your US and that you have nothing to worry about.

  4. I want to give you a tremendous hug. It is going to be alright, Augusta. It's far too common during early pregnancy to have this type of bleeding. And peeking to the other side of that is hard to not do. It's happening, it sucks, but it's not always an indication of doom. My very own cousin went through IVF only to face bleeding almost every day for the first and second trimester, with a fat take home baby at the end. I would have said that hopeful stories like that are bullshit myself, but I was on the other side and SAW it. It is not a signal of doom, despite your heart plummeting to well below sea level.

    My only advice is to remain as neutral as possible when catching yourself swinging to doomsville. I will send all my best thoughts your way this week as you wait for your scan. I want so much for a very happy birthday for you. Hang in there.

  5. Sending whole mountain ranges and ocean depths of love and support. So wish I could be there to give those in person.

  6. Um, the above message was H aka Oat, BTW. forgot to sign off ... Love, Love, love, me

  7. Oh no Augusta!! Okay...deep deep breaths. Can they check your progesterone at least? Keeping you in my prayers...I am sorry. None of this is easy.

  8. I'm glad your dh was able to come and be with you during this scary time. I hope that every thing is ok. Sending many positive healthy pregnant your way!

  9. So scary, but hopefully it won't return. *hugs*

  10. Oh, ma bichette, that must have scared the hell out of you. I know that the "that" may not feel like it's totally in the past tense yet, but that's where I'm putting it. I'm so very glad that Mr. August was able to come and join you. I'm going to go ahead and say it: I hate that the two of you have to be apart all week. It just hurts my heart for you, and these are such delicate times. I am so hoping you have the most wonderful birthday and that this turns out to be normal--if crazy-making--early pregnancy stuff. I love you, I'm here for you, and I don't have any particular plans this weekend (oh, wait, except maybe embryo transfer...we can work around that); I can be up there in nine hours or so--faster if I fly! Just sayin'. Praying that the owlet(s) is/are a-okay in there. Je t'aime.

  11. Oh my dear August...I'm so sorry you've experienced such an awful scare! My heart sank when I saw the title of your post. I know others have said it and when you're in this moment it doesn't matter much, but I've heard of lots of women having bleeding very early on in pregnancy such as this. I myself did with this pregnancy and thought that certainly it meant things were over, but thankfully all was well. I'm holding so much hope for you that indeed your birthday will be a day filled with reassurance, peace, and joy. Hoping you begin to feel better and the bleeding subsides so that you can feel more peace throughout this week of waiting. So much love and hope being sent your way ((hugs))

  12. I wish you weren't having bleeding... though of course, I know it can be very normal. Thinking of you and sending you good thoughts...

  13. Oh shit. Not what you want, for sure, and I bet you and Mr. August had a terrible, terrible time yesterday. I am just stricken, thinking about you shaking on the bed and him crying on the phone.

    But you have reams (reams!) of anecdata here, and even actual research, that this is NOT doom, and oh just hang in there hon!

    I think trying to breathe is the absolute right thing to do. In. Out. And again.

    Thinking of you and sending you metta across the miles...

  14. So sorry you are having to deal with this fear. Hugs to you and praying that everything turns out perfect for you.

  15. Augusta, you did right to breathe deep and Mr A did right to get there to be with you. Blood is not something that is ever happy to see but as others have said it is common in early pregnancy. Finch at Grizzly Eggs had loads of it but it all turned out well.

    This period here, between beta and that first scan, is the very hardest of all waits. It's a time to be gotten through. But how I am hoping that you will be smiling big on the other side.

  16. My goodness, what a night!

    All I could think on Sunday while I was spotting was that this ride was over and there was nothing I could do about it. All I could think was "please stop". Hearing my RE say that 99% of his fertility patients have T1 bleeding did make me feel better. But still, how I wish that this could be easier. (and that we could be in that 1% who didn't have these scares! cuz, heck it was being in the less than 1% diagnosis category that got us here in the first place, right!)

    I am reminding myself reading your post that we are so resilient. We've been through so much, so many ups and downs, and we bounce back every time we get knocked down. I am making a mental list of all the things that help me be resilient, and pulling them close. I want to wrap you up in resiliency right now too.

    My first scan is on April 18th! I feel like we really are holding hands walking down this path together :) btw - i'm not letting go til we cross the finnish line together!

  17. I'm so sorry you are going through this difficulty - do try to relax and remain calm if at all possible. Hopefully it is all totally normal and you'll have good results on your scan. I'll be thinking of you.

  18. Oh Augusta!

    I am only now reading this!

    Oh my dear, I think I know how you feel.

    My RE commented it might have been something almost atmospheric - she said 5 of her patients called in with bleeding today.

    She told me pregnancy can withstand a lot of blood loss. She reminded me that what is in the toilet is amplified by all the water. She also told me not to panic if there is a significant amount tonight.

    Oh Augusta. I wish I had been here to comfort you last night.