Tuesday, March 22, 2011

the 2 Week Wilderness

On the Appalachian trail, there is a section in Maine called the 100 mile wilderness. It's the most remote stretch of the trail. Like its nickname suggests, it consists of a section of trail without any access to civilization. I was always looking forward to Maine, when I hiked the AT. Unfortunately, an injury stopped me early in my thru hike. It was one of my life's big disappointments.

What will come at the end of the 2 Week Wilderness? Blissful joy or one of my life's big disappointments? It seems all so black and white at this moment. 

Ok, women, is this suppose to feel like anything? I'm not feeling anything yet. Except, maybe a bit grouchy.

I miss my daily workouts. I went for a gentle walk this morning. No sweating. No attendance at the gym. Just a little walk around the neighborhood. I find it very tough not to go to the gym. It's my surefire way to cope with stress. It works 98.97 times out of 100.

I wish I knew what was going on in there. It is very hard not to know, not to feel like it's one way or another. What to think? My rational mind is trying SO BLOODY HARD to think its way around this question. What a waste. I should be reading articles. But I'm still completely distracted and now I'm also grouchy.

Maybe the grouchiness is a good sign. When Sattva was pregnant with Anne, she thought she was depressed for the first 10 weeks or so. She felt awful about life and her career prospects and everything. She tells this very funny story of telling her husband that she must be depressed. Maybe her eggs give off the grouchy, depressed kind of hcg.

I'm back at work, chickadees. My heart's not in it this week. I've just mostly been writing reports and feeling behind the 8-ball because I missed most of last week and I'm not going to be there most of next week. I am not letting myself stay until my usual 7pm, but instead coming home early to work on my, ahum, defense (or blogging).

I received the feedback from the external examiner for my dissertation. It was a pretty good report, as as externals' reports go I hear. Only very minor "fine tuning" changes are what she suggested. She used words like "excellent" and "may well lead to publication in a scientific journal". I can't believe how much relief I derived from her evaluation. I had obviously been catastrophizing catastrophically.

A little update on Mr. A. Sadly, he is still ill. His parents came over to take him to his chest x-ray on Monday and then decided to take him to their house. So he packed up Chicken and her scratching post, and off they went. The chest x-ray was inconclusive for pneumonia, but his white blood cell count was very high. He is taking the week off and resting some more, much to his dismay. Mr A is a keep busy kinda of a guy, and sitting around doing nothing is pretty much agony in a jar.

Thinking of you, women. I'm loving the good news lately. It's helping me keep positive.

15 comments:

  1. You sound just like I did in my IVF 2wws. Couldn't not think about it! It's TOUGH stuff. Sending you warm and positive thoughts.

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  2. I continue to have everything crossed for you!!! Are you going to POAS?

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  3. Ugh, the 2ww is awful! Holding hope for you that good news awaits. Sorry to hear Mr. A is still ill, hope he gets to feeling better soon & awesome news on the feedback you've received. It seems you're definitely in for a run of good news ((hugs))

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  4. Sending much, much love, hope, and encouragement. And please tell Mr. A I say "get well very soon!" XOXO, OAt

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  5. Oh, the 2WW is truly terrible, and you never know exactly how you are going to feel until you are in the midst of it. You may not feel symptoms yet, or you may. It really seems to be different for every person (and every cycle for that matter). The unknown is so hard. AND you have the added pressure of your defense. AND a sick husband. You are doing amazingly well just to keep going moving!! :) Wishing you peaceful thoughts.

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  6. Oh please let it be blissful joy! Please let it be Magic Grouchiness, not just stress grouchiness! And yes, we'd love to know what to expect in terms of HPTs or no--while I SUPPOSE Mr. A. and Sattva and her family should be the first to know, it's not an exaggeration to say that we are dying of impatience. Well...perhaps a slight exaggeration.

    What wonderfully encouraging news from your external examiner. I hope you will genuinely take confidence from that--the experience may not be enjoyable, but there is little doubt the outcome will be good. For reals.

    As for what you should be feeling...golly, there's just no way to know! Quite a lot of women ***genuinely*** feel nothing at all. It might be most sanity-preserving to assume you'll be one of them...

    I'm so hopeful. I want you guys to be able to reminisce about the way Mr. A was recovering from Corn Lung or some other weird (but very treatable) ailment during your early pregnancy. I want to be sending you grumpy owls and cheering you through the anxious early weeks... But in any event, this is an INTENSE week!

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  7. Hang tight Augusta!! And sure hope Mr. A. gets better VERY soon...sounds nasty! And congrats on the preliminary results of your dissertation.

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  8. The 2ww is nasty! It is so hard not to wonder whether every potential symptom means anything. Just hang in there. This will be the longest 2 weeks of your life. I just so hope that you get your happy ending!

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  9. Drive by comment is better than no comment?

    I am with you. Won't feel restful for at least, well, forever.

    I am all over your grouch theory. I can't wait to prove it.

    I think of you every night I tuck in Toddlerina. She has a sweet owl head in her crib. Every night, you are with is.

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  10. Hang in there! It's totally normal to not feel anything, so try not to worry. But of course I know that is pretty much impossible.

    Congrats on your dissertation feedback - that must feel nice!

    And I hope Mr. A is feeling much better soon!

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  11. Oh, how the two-week wait sucks! If you were feeling any symptoms, I can promise you that you wouldn't be feeling any more or less hopeful than you are now. I'm just hoping the time ticks by quickly for you. And congrats on the review of your dissertation!

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  12. I hope the grouchiness is genetic from Sattva. unfortunately, If you felt symptoms you would be asking dr google about them only to find out that they may or may not be a sign of pregnancy.
    i am so hoping for good news at the end of this 2ww. at the very least, know you are not waiting alone.

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  13. I had no idea you'd set out to hike the AT, Aoûta. That's so cool! I always thought it sounded like an amazing thing to do...while never seriously considering it myself. Wonderful news about your dissertation. "may well lead to publication in a scientific journal"--ohmygoodness! How thrilling and terrific! And I'm so sorry Mr. A hasn't gotten better yet. Hoping some loving from home will be the extra jolt his system needs. Sending you love, woman. xoxo

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  14. The 2ww is a terrible thing, lacking all of the majesty of the AT (am also, by the way, highly impressed by how much of it you hiked). The exercise thing...it's enough to drive one mad. Precisely when you need it most, you can't do it.

    Hoping Mr. A has made a full recovery by now, and well done on the external examiner's feedback!!

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