Thursday night, ladies. One more day and I return to Pleasantville. The beginning of the week was an uphill battle. It started on Friday night when I arrived home from the crazy week I had at work last week, and realized that the weekend would just be too short. A small panic set inside me, and I worked for the whole weekend to minimize it. Needless to say, I am not yet fully adjusted to the transition.
I saw Dr. Ninja last weekend; a visit that was well timed. We knew we were monitoring my anxiety and stress management with this big transition, and some adjustments had to be made. He changed my personal tea for the first time since September. This one is still mushroomy, but with a tinge of lichen. I'm not a huge fan, but I love Dr. Ninja and will do whatever he says at this point. He also prescribed these little pills called "Hap.py T.ea". They are made to chill me out a bit. I can feel the subtle effects of all this, and whether it's placebo or actual effects, I do not care. I am sleeping a bit better overall and that counts.
I wish my mood was better, ladies. I feel some pressure to be happy and hopeful. But that ain't happening this week. I may be standing knee deep in a river dying of thirst, but as often as I repeat this to myself, I'm feeling down and not able to see what's great in front of me.
I think there was an insidious moment of upward social comparison this week that really did me in. *Warning* A bit of bitching and whining ahead* The psychologist that I am replacing came by after rounds to show off her baby. A lovely thing to do, to be sure. Except that I was premenstrual and had little warning of this ahead of time. I felt close to tears and wanted to make like a preacher and get the hell out of there, but I needed to have a meeting about a patient. And the only place to have the meeting was were she and the baby and 7-9 ooohing staff were congregated. Fuck me. That was one thing, I could have just surfed that wave and been ok. But then my mind got going, in its insidious ways. She's a psychologist with a great paying permanent position who can have babies. And then there is me. Infertile, 36 (soon to be 37), not finished school, covering mat leave contracts, in debt up to my elbows, a decade away from buying my first house, not living with my husband and my chicken, etc., etc.
I get on my own nerves with all this complaining, but I am feeling really down. And I am a bit perplexed about it. I had declared my last bout of depression over. Done with. But it lingers, apparently. Or maybe it's just the adjustment taking its toll. I don't know.
Indulge me while I do the reverse of bitching about stuff. What do I have to be thankful for? So much! I have my health. That's huge. I have an awesome husband who loves me and supports me and cooks me supper on Friday night when I arrive home at 7-7:30pm. I have a great cat with a fun identity crisis. I have amazing friends who love and support me, and have done so for a very long time. I have enough money to eat well, to provide shelter for myself, to maintain a car, and to meet all my needs. I even have enough hypothetical money to soon pay for DE IVF. I have a good job right now and good job prospects. I like what I do and feel like I'm good at it. I have a good heart, common sense and a some imagination; three things that go far in a human life.
Mr. August is taking the train to meet me in FTT (fertility treatment town: where I work and where obviously, I receive fertility treatments) tomorrow. We are going to talk to the lawyer. Can't say I'm too excited to meet with this man (sounds full of himself), but I am looking forward to checking off that box.
And I have my committee meeting tomorrow morning. Hoping they'll say that I can proceed to the defense once I've made a few minor revisions, but I should prepare myself for a worse outcome so as not to start crying in their faces when they tell me otherwise. I'm just not sure where I will find the energy to work on this thing while I'm busting my ass off at work. I completed my paid hours for my workweek shortly after lunch today. Good thing I'm only working for 3 hours tomorrow.
Thank you for the support around the transition and surviving in the face of the plastic plants. I am relocating them to the closet, as some of you suggested and will be moving the furniture around so there is space for yoga. I even have big plans to acquire a few living plants for this space. At this point, I think I'll stay and do my best to adjust.
UPDATE!: My committee meeting was scheduled to last for 2 hours, but it was done in 40 minutes. They had 5-6 minor little things (a sentence here, moving a paragraph there). They are signing off on the dissertation and letting me proceed to the defense! They anticipate first week of March as a target time period for the defense. FYI, I'm feeling a LOT less gloomy than last night when I wrote this posting.