Wednesday, January 12, 2011

tired

Some of you are pregnant or new parents, so I realize I have a lot of gall to speak of being tired. But there. I said it. It's the truth.

I feel like I don't have much to say, women. I go to the gym, go to work, work my ass off, come "home", troll through blogland, read 3/4 of a page from my book and fall asleep. 6am comes and I repeat the cycle. You will have noted the quotation marks around the word home and maybe wonder why they are there. I think I had mentioned that my job was pretty far from my home with Mr. August, and so I had found a place to live during the weekdays. The place I found was not available until January, so I stayed at a guest house in December. Last week, I moved into the new place. The official title I am given there is one of boarder. It's feeling completely weird and uncomfortable for now. There are plastic plants in my room. PLASTIC plants. Remember that my husband is an organic farmer and now do the math. I know: that's just gratuitous bitching. I'll stop and be a grown up now.

It takes a while to get used to new circumstances and I am not at all used to these circumstances. It feels harder to deal with because there is so much stress associated with my work. I need to remind myself of how once I am used to something, it feels a lot better than it ever does at first. My freak out will dissipate. I will stop trolling the housing adds for something better, or different.

The job is going pretty well, I would say. I have a shitload of responsibilities, but that's really fun on some days. When 15 people are sitting around a table and look at you to pronounce yourself on what's up a kid and what he or she needs: call me power hungry, but I kind of like it. Sometimes the answer is a parentectomy, but you won't hear me say that. I'm no Dr. Phi.l. What an ass I would be.

Sattva and I were going to meet last weekend to regroup after the appointments with the psychologist, but a stomach bug ravaged family members over in her household. So we left it until this coming weekend. Mr. August are trying to set up the appointment with a lawyer for the next few weeks. And otherwise, we are freaking out about money. That's the IF treatment update.

I apologize for not commenting as much these days. I feel a bit like I'm in a daze. I am still reading your blogs, but I can't always find something to say. Please know that I am thinking of you, hoping for you, delighting with you.

12 comments:

  1. Just recently found your blog so I'm still catching up. Your living situation sounds very stressful. I hope things start getting better for you very soon :)

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  2. PLASTIC pants? What, so you don't wet yourself? That's just weird. Miss you, Gussie. I've been underblogging lately myself, so I hear you on the absence front. Know that I'm thinking of you and sending my love.

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  3. Plastic plants are an abomination. Honestly. And not at all the sort of thing I like to think of surrounding our Augusta. It is so very hard to work somewhere other than where you live. It can be unsettling and lonely. And while, on the one hand, you can say that you "only sleep" in the place you're renting, on the other you also deserve a comfortable, warm place to retreat to at the end of the day.

    As for the job, it's sooo unsettling to start a new one. I think that any job - no matter how good - is always terrible in the first few weeks, until things become fully familiar. But I have a feeling you are shining. Lucky children who have you on their side.

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  4. I hear tell that things that are rewarding are often difficult and exhausting. Like new jobs. The adjustment period is so rough and knowing it will most likely get better does little to change that. Nor do plastic plants. Maybe you could get a real plant to counteract the fake ones? And who says you have to stop looking for a new living situation? Nobody wants to be a boarder! Anyhow, hang in there--it's almost the weekend.

    I don't know if you ever read the Little House books about pioneer days and such, but in one of the last ones, the main character goes away from home in order to teach at a tiny little school and has to live with awful people during the week. I often read this book before school starts because her discouragement and nervousness is so vivid. I find it comforting. You can read the relevant section here http://www.fanpop.com/external/267694.

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  5. I totally understand about the new place issues. Those first few days in a new place are always so hard. Everything feels so wrong about it. When we first moved into this house, I unlocked the door walked in and promptly cried, noticing every flaw. :)

    I hope it starts to feel more like home, although I don't like the plastic plants...at all :)

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  6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKd06s1LNik

    One of my all time favorites. The melancholy captures you instantly.'

    Much love from your friend who is also quieted lately.

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  7. Ugh, the new place definitely doesn't sound like it's helping to add comfort or lack of stress in your life..boo! Hope things level out with the job and you become even more confident in your place there.
    Hope the coming weekend is a lovely, relaxing one ((hugs))

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  8. ((HUGS)).

    Also, is moving the plastic plants into the closet or under the bed an option? Or maybe liberating them ... like, planting them in the snow (okay, I know, it's not an option, but plants need fresh air and so does my Augusta!)

    Sending you love and support,
    H.

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  9. Change is just goddamn uncomfortable, but adding some plastic plants? Well, that's just pricking. I do hope that you settle down and get used to it and if it's not something that you can get used to, well, hoping that the casual search finds a sunny spot to lay your weary head.

    I imagine that this new job is all kinds of exciting and I am excited for you on this front. I know that things are rolling your way and I'll be applauding and sending you kind words as they do.

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  10. It's perfectly valid to complain of fatigue even if you aren't pregnant and don't have kids! I would definitely be tired and stressed by the living situation you describe. It's just tough to have to be apart from your husband in general...and plastic plants!

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  11. Oh Augusta, It's not gratuitious bitching at all.
    I think new environments are exhausting so I'm not suprised you are tired. I'm sorry its all so draining on you right now. The plastic plants have to go, Augusta I hope you can secretly bring in some real ones. Having things you like and can relate to in your 'home' is so important. Even if you can just personalise it a little bit I bet you'll feel better. It sucks to feel like a visitor in your own 'home'.

    And its more complicated than that because you are away from your husband and venturing into foreign land with donor IVF. It's all big stuff, none of it is gratuitious at all. Especially not the plastic plants. Ugh.

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  12. Umm...did I really read "plastic PANTS" when you had written "plastic PLANTS"? Wow. And you didn't correct me! It makes a leetle more sense now, but it's still blech.

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