Sunday, December 19, 2010

ramblings

I'm back. I wasn't far, just not in posting distance. Well, I did post some comments, but that's about all I could manage. I am still trying to catch up with comments. Please forgive your slow little owl. 

This new schedule is a bit grueling. The Monday morning drives have so far been 2 for 2 brutal ones, where the 90 minute drive gets stretched to 2-2.5 hours. I'm hoping for the best for tomorrow, but who knows. Snow squalls have been relentless. Here's my typical morning routine. 6:15: wake up, drink water, rub eyes. 6:17: think about morning yoga practice. 6:20, walk to the front window of the guest house where I'm staying and assess the situation. 6:21: Holy moly! There's a ton of snow in the driveway! Screw yoga, I have to shovel this snow. 7:35: Back inside the house, sweaty and with mildly achy back. Yoga would be nice now, but I have to get to work!

The new job is going well. I like the people I work with and the team-based approach is something I really enjoy. It must be said that I had moments of feeling completely overwhelmed this week. The responsibilities I have on our team are not slim and my self-doubts were reminding me far too often that I wouldn't measure up. But my self-doubts haven't cornered the market on truth, so they can voice their opinions, but I don't have to buy what they're selling.

And Christmas. What? Is that really happening this year? I've been dreading it and now it's upon us and I haven't done a thing about it. I don't even have a present for Mr. August.

We got "the package" from the fertility clinic this week, making the egg donation all the more imminent and real. The price tag was a bit hard to see, even if I know how much it is and even if I know that it is far less than treatment in the US. It's just that I haven't worked for money since June and my husband is an organic farmer. You do the math. We can access more money, but it will require asking parents. I was hoping to avoid that situation with my new job, but it looks like they want the ivf paid in full by Feb. 2, which may not give me enough time to amass the sum of money needed and pay for my (hopefully last effing) tuition in January, rent at two places, and manage my current debt. Like many people, money worries make me a bit coockoo, but I don't need to go on about it here. Many of you are in the same boat, I suspect, because no matter where you live, fertility treatments ain't cheap and life doesn't stop because you're infertile and need to pay for treatments.

My quest to welcome visions of a pregnancy (my pregnancy) continues. I went out for brunch with a friend this morning and when she was asking about next year at this time, I said "well, I could be on mat leave". It's not something I would say to someone who doesn't know about our journey, but it was safe with her. I think about December 2011 and allow that this may be the month when we welcome our baby. I'm not entirely comfortable with it, but I'm going with the 'if you can't make it, fake it' principle on this one.

I've decided to let myself hope. If the egg donation fails, it will hurt like hell. But no amount of holding off on hope right now can prevent that pain. It will hurt either way: whether I hope for it now or stop myself from hoping. Yet it's hard to imagine it working if I don't allow for it in my mind and in my body.

 Funny how hope for a pregnancy and baby through egg donation has not taken away the pain of infertility. Not really any of the pain at all. What part of me thought it would, I wonder. I've had two most beloved friends call in the last 2 weeks to announce their pregnancy. I wish it weren't so painful, but it is. They were both stellar, amazing, sensitive and immensely compassionate in how they conveyed the news. Both of them cried because it hurt their feelings to hurt mine. It also broke my heart that their great news couldn't be shared in a more ebullient way. IF gets in the way of so much, and I just resent it for interfering.

It feels hard to reconcile these different stances and the conflict inside feels hard to manage. Hope, pain, hope, pain. Sometimes, in kind of a superstitious way, I start to fear that letting the pain have some space could negate my investment in hope.

Enough ramblings. I hope you have a great week before Christmas.

16 comments:

  1. Little owl, you've been missed, it's good to hear you back for a bit! Sorry to hear the snow has made life a bit more difficult, hoping this week is a bit calmer for you! So exciting that the package came in the mail, although I must agree with you on the price tag...that part always hurts! Hold on to your hope, none of us knows what the future holds, but I like to hope that 2011 holds good things for many of us, we've put in our time, now we deserve to enjoy our pregnancies! Sounds like you have some lovely friends, not that I'm surprised you being such a kind owl yourself, it does suck that IF takes joy not just from us but from from those who love us as well. Hope you have a wonderful week as well and will be continuing to hold hope for you with this cycle ((hugs))

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  2. Thank you for the support and comforting words you have shown me. Egg donation is difficult, but is also wonderful. I am so excited for you to get the process started. I will be your cheerleader.

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  3. Ohh Augusta, nice to hear from you.
    And I'm hearing you on the Christmas thing! How the hell did it get to be almost Xmas already?

    The package arriving from your clinic is exciting. The money aspect is horrible and I think you're right that we all worry about that. It is awfully expensive business this. And the emotional expense is the most taxing I think.

    But I love that you are letting yourself be hopeful. I think its brave and beautiful that you said out loud that you'll be on mat leave in Dec 2011. I love it. Cant wait for you to prove yourself right.

    Hope the snow eases so you get a morning off shovelling.
    xx

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  4. You're right--you gotta hope. Not in a crazy already bought a crib way, but in a nice, sensible, this could work way. It could, it very well could. It's not even a low probability!

    There's a good chance the new job will get easier as you adjust, and you already are measuring up, and splendidly. Tell that to your self doubts. And then have them shovel the drive so you can sleep in (screw yoga!).

    Good news: nothing takes away the pain of infertility! But I hear tell some things make it sting a lot less. That's my hope for all of us.

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  5. Aw, Augs, I wish your commute weren't such a beast. I complain about mine and yours is oodles longer! Such a drag that is. I'm so glad to hear the new job is going well, though. Of course they love you!

    A thought for future Christmases (if it's too late already for this one): what N and I do for gifts is that we go somewhere shoppable together, whether it's Target or a mall, and give ourselves a fixed amount of time and money, then we go on a little spree to fill each other's stockings. No planning ahead, license to be a little silly, and guaranteed creativity!

    Little owl your hope is inspiring. I want to share it with you. That is...I have all sorts of hope for you, but I want to cultivate it for me as well. Let's have babies! This is our year, remember? Sending you love and wishes for a break from all that shoveling.

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  6. Can't wait to follow along as well! Take care and Merry Christmas!

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  7. I'm happy to hear you're allowing some hope in. Your friends also sound very wonderful--to actually cry themselves for you says a lot, even though I know it's hard for you to know they're in pain for you! And are there any yoga moves that resemble shoveling snow? Because it would be nice if you could combine the two activities. At least you are getting some exercise!

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  8. You shovel snow for an hour. Man, that sounds awesome. All that quiet you talk about. I know that sound. All alone. Oooh, that sounds so great. I havent broken a sweat since 1974 and it is pathetic. Enjoy that morning regime, it sounds wonderful.

    I am dreadfully behind for Christmas as well. But then I remembered I dont have everyone's address in bloggerville, so they wont be looking for cards from me. Whew.

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  9. Oh, you've made me a bit tearful. But in a good way. A head-nodding-you're-right-about-that-sister kind of way. That balancing act between hope and pain is the single hardest stunt to pull off in all of this. I think I manage it for awhile, and then I lose my footing completely.

    I do think that letting hope in is smart. Allowing for the possibility of a very different Christmas in 2011. I am hoping with my whole heart that this might be so.

    And the money woes:( They're terrible. I hate them. And I hate the balancing act they necessitate. And it guts me to pour our money into this gamble, though I don't see any alternative either. Here's hoping for the coffers being filled with ease before February. It's wonderful that you have the job, not just because it will help with those coffers, but also because it sounds to me like you are doing a very, very good job. (Only the truly thoughtful worry about whether they are).

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  10. Infertility is so unfair. Money only makes it that much harder.

    I think hope is good. I know it's hard and dangerous but what other option is there to keep us sane.

    I hope you are able to have a nice christmas with your hubby!

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  11. I love what you have to say about your self doubt: that you don't have to buy what it's selling. Brilliant!

    Congratulations on your LAST SEMESTER of tuition and on your new job. I don't know how you're coping with all that snow though!

    Happy holidays to you and I hope December 2011 brings everything you want it to...

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  12. You were sorely missed, my dear. I have more than a few demons in that hope to hell bucket. I feel that we close ourselves off so much in order to make the let down that less painful, but then when it happens, it's really not any less painful than when we had low or now expectations. I am also working hard on staying positive for next year. No "if" just "when."

    There is so much more to having to have help for IVF than just asking for money, and I know all that all too well. The juggling of finances to keep things paid and then to afford what amounts to purchasing a new car (IVF cycle) from a dealer, that isn't guaranteed to arrive or run, seems like such a bad deal. But, in this case, there is so much that points to having the baby in 2011 that you deserve to hope and make plans.

    I really believe that the pain of IF won't ever go away. But, I plan to try to drown some out with terrible Christmas tunes and a few glasses of liquid cheer. Also, last year the Mr. and I didn't exchange presents. We bought ourselves some nice art and had it framed in January. We did get small presents under the tree to have something to unwrap, but letting go of that one little stress did wonders to improve our holiday.

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  13. welcome back. sorry to hear the drive has been a bear.
    i have had many the same experience as you did when it comes to exercising. :)

    hold on to your hope. I like what i heard once by a girl who had a baby born to her with a severe defect which caused him to die after 99 days of life, (they didn't even know if he would be born alive), they made a youtube video about it: she said, "I can be sad later" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0

    warning, you will cry. but it is so inspiring at the same time.

    Merry Christmas little owl.

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  14. First off, thank you so very much for your kind words on my blog. Hoping that January 4th is a wonderful day for both of us!

    I have a love/hate relationship with hope. Right now I am in the hate phase of the relationship, but I truly get where you are coming from. I really do HOPE that this will be it for you- (it is so much easier to hold out hope for others, isn't it?)

    Big hugs to you- Good Luck with the new job and the commute. You are in my thoughts.

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  15. It is so great to hear you talk about envisioning the IVF cycle as a success. I found it so hard to have hope for so long, but knowing that we are now actively working towards pregnancy with each iui cycle, I have found a sense of peace and hope that I appreciate so much more. The Circle Bloom audios help me visualize the healthy pregnancy that I want, and gives me lots of positive affirmations to repeat throughout the day.

    I love the comments from Mrs. Misfits - You have the most awesome readers, I love the kind of thoughtful and loving comments that they leave for you :) That is probably because you are super awesome!!!

    Wishing you a very merry christmas, and hopefully a restful break from work and time with your love.

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  16. Initially when I looked at clinics for embryo donation biotexcom responded very quickly to my queries and had the shortest waiting time. My coordinator called me and gave me all the details of what treatment involved, and answered all the questions I had. She also has very good English so there was no communication barrier at all. This process was a lot easier than I anticipated. All contact made through email and at all times my emails were responded to quickly and thoroughly. And the cost was not too much either. I was sent a treatment plan which was very clear and easy to follow. I was given my transfer date well in advance so I had plenty of time to plan my flights and accommodation. When I attended biotexcom on the day of transfer I was impressed at what a spotlessly clean clinic this is. All the staff was extremely friendly. I met my coordinator who was so friendly and kind and put me at ease before treatment. I spoke to the embryologist and the doctor before treatment. Procedure was very quick and efficient by the doctor performing procedure. After years of infertility treatment I am so glad I made the decision to go with embryo adoption. It is not easy to decide to go to another country and have treatment. I can’t believe how smoothly and stress free this process was. After years of tears and heartache they have helped to make myself and my husband’s dream of having a family come true. I am so grateful!

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