Tuesday, November 30, 2010

In transition

I've been pulled in a few different directions lately, my friends, and I apologize for not being as present here with you. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving Holiday. I've been thinking of you and catching up with your blogs here and there. I plan to sit down for a bigger catch up session this week.

This is my last full week in Pleasantville before my job starts next Monday. I'll be working in Fertility Treatment Town (FTT), which is about 90 minutes away. This means that I have to stay in that city during the week and come home to Mr. August and chicken (my kitty) only on weekends. Sigh. That's a bit hard for us. We did it for a full year while I was on my clinical internship and it was manageable. But it feels hard to gather momentum to leave this time. I like our little life here. But the thing is that psychologist jobs are really excellent in FTT, much better than in this area. This is how I agreed to take this contract for a year. It will give me great experience and build up my c.v. to get a good job closer to Pleasantville next year.

The other great thing about this job is that it's a mat leave coverage. Yes, in Canada, a mat leave lasts for a year. The psychologist I'm replacing is off on her second mat leave. During her first mat leave (when I was a resident there), another female psychologist covered her mat leave. And this psychologist got pregnant during the time she covered the mat leave. Call me superstitious, but methinks that's a fertile position to be in.

So this week is a bit of a mad dash to the finish line. Still trying to do the last bits on my dissertation (the reference list took me 4 days to finalize. Darn 6th edition of the APA publication manual and its requirement for digital object identifiers), finish some TA duties, get a hair cut (comes with the real job), etc. Oh, and you should sit down for this next one and put on a helmet. It might blow your mind. You sitting? Ok. I am going to. get. a. cellphone. YES! It's true. I've been resisting the 21st century for over 10 years now, but it's time to be a modern woman. I thought I'd go full hog and get an i.pho.ne, but upon questioning myself more, I realized I just wanted to have what the cool kids have. I'll just get a plane jane cellphone and that will meet my needs just fine. A cell phone will be useful in case of an emergency in my drives between here and there. Also, with the upcoming DE cycle, I realized I wanted to be available to take calls.

Speaking of the DE cycle...We have appointments booked! Mr. August and I are going to meet with the psychologist on Jan. 4 and Sattva and her husband will meet with him two days later on the 6th. Our big orientation half day will be on Feb. 2, which is to say that that's when the cycle will start. I was excited to book those dates.

I'm trying to let my mind go to the place where I visualize myself pregnant, where I think of this working out. It's hard to do after having quashed all those thoughts for the last year. I think all my life I imagined I would be pregnant someday and have babies. Once the treatments failed last year though, I would stop those kinds of daydreams anytime they appeared. I just told myself that it wasn't going to happen, that I had to start envisioning my life differently. It's now reflexive to do that. However, in the last week or so, I'm trying to just allow my mind to imagine pregnancy again. I know that I need to allow it in my mind. I need to see it. I need to know that it is coming. I need to my mind and my body to work as a team, both of them ready to welcome an embryo and grow it into a baby.

And of course, being so focused on acceptance, I also want to allow my grief. I have felt a good dose of it lately. I have been so incredibly saddened by the hardships that some of you have faced in the recent weeks. I'm speaking specifically of Roccie, R, and Jess. As it does for all of us, your grief has resonance with my grief. And so, I've been spending time in that sad, dark place with you, dear women. I feel so sad that things didn't work out for you, and I feel so much grief for myself and for our collective that IF exists and breaks our hearts again and again.

Nurturing the hope and honouring the grief.
Not an easy balancing act.
I'll keep working on it.

17 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for thinking of me.

    I had a bit of a flashback that made me break in a sweat, thinking about APA styles and applying for my first job. Hope it all goes well for you.

    And photos! Send me your photo request (and address) in an email. That surely will be a nice little break for you.

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  2. OH I HATE, HATE, HATE the new APA guidelines! I was so comfy with the old ones! And of course none of my Endnote references have DOIs. Um, okay, on to the more important stuff. First, congratulations on the good stuff coming up--appointments, new job beginning, massive forward motion on the dissertation...I am also hoping that fecundity comes with the position. It's just got to! I'm sorry the job comes with a major downside, and that the appointments come with a side of (totally necessary) grief. It's an awfully mixed bag. I am definitely hoping it's a transitional bag on the way to a bag with nothing but good in it.

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  3. Good luck on the new job August!! Sounds like a great opportunity except being away from Mr. August during the week.

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  4. So many things to look forward too in 2011 for you! Great job that will help you move forward in your career and dates all planned and ready!

    If it will help, I'll start thinking of you as pregnant also!

    Being away from Mr. August does sound super hard! If anyone can do it, you can.

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  5. A position on which everyone gets pregnant sounds great -- I should have looked for that in my job search, now I realize. The fact that it's away from Mr. August is a bummer though.
    Good luck for the final round of dissertation writing and all the appointments!

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  6. Welcome to 2010, Augusta! Sheesh, you've resisted so long only to cave now? Actually, now is a great time. New job, DE coming up, appointments? Who cares about grammarz and punctuationz? I guess the answer to that is the people reading your dissertation. :)

    Grief has been in the air and you are right to take a good hard look when you feel that you can. My heart has been broken for these ladies. I'm hoping that your tender heart won't have much longer to think about acceptance, but that you will soon be consumed in great anticipation of good things. I saw the delivery van headed your way.

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  7. Thank you so much for your ongoing encouraging words on my blog!

    Congratulations on the new job! It is too bad about having to commute on the weekends but hopefully the constant pregnancies in this position will rub off on you!!

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  8. Congrats on the cell phone! Wow, I thought I was a late adopter on cell phones, but that was five years ago. I'm so excited for you and Mr. August as you move forward with this cycle! I'm also nurturing hope for you (after all, it's the Advent week of Hope right now).

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  9. It feels good in my heart to read your words. Focus on your visualization and please do not allow yourself to be distracted by our personal pain.

    Back to the old question I had on my mind when I wrote my Coming Out Post of Depression... do I tell the truth? do I want to tax everyone with my worry? I think we all come clean in the hopes that spitting it out on a keyboard makes it go away. Don't pick it up as your own. Easier said than done. I know.

    It is good to hear your details and catch up.

    ps - Does anyone else smell our dear Augusta's terror of even typing out iPhone with only one break.er in it? She added two. Cracking me up.

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  10. First, you don't have a cellphone, how do you survive? LOL.

    Thanks for thinking of me and supporting me. I am so excited that you have dates!

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  11. Wow... that sounds like a pretty tough schedule you've got Augusta! I'm with you though, you can't pass this position up ... its the fertility cure!

    Awesome re: the cell phone... I don't know how you've lived without one all these years!!

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  12. Your balance (literal and figurative), has always been remarkable my dear friend, and I know it will continue to be as you balance what is positive with what is hard, both in your life and the lives of those you love.

    I am thrilled re: the dates and intrigued about the cell phone, and I love the fertile nature of your new position. I will be thinking of you as you continue your balancing and make all those minute-but-crucial (to *someone* at the APA, anyway) adjustments to the Big D.

    Sending you love, H.

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  13. I didn't realize that your new job will be so far from home! That's tough. At the same time, it sounds entirely the right move because you know that a) it's not going to be forever, b) you will be home regularly, c) it's a great job and that experience is going to enable you to get something good, closer, and, d) woohoo for moving into the magic pregnancy seat!!! It IS going to happen.

    I'm also a Luddite and it took me years to come around to the idea of a mobile phone. Congratulations for joining the club...it really DOES make life easier. Especially in terms of treatments. As a fellow commuter, it also helps you feel more tuned in to home.

    It isn't an easy balancing act at all but I do think that visualizing those things, allowing the images in...it's a good thing. I've also been trying to do this more recently. It's tough, because by doing that you make your heart vulnerable. But the flipside is: by doing it, you open your heart to something wonderful.

    So glad you have those dates/appointments. The future is beginning. Thank goodness:)

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  14. Wow you have had an awful lot going on! Although the new job will be an adjustment for you I hope it brings only positive things your way. Hope you like your endeavor into the modern world with the new phone:)
    I hear you on the balance between acceptance, thinking positively, and allowing ourselves to cope with grief...a roller coast of emotions at times. Wishing you so much love and positivity and holding so much hope that 2011 will bring good things to all of us!

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  15. Congrats on opening yourself up to be contactable 24hrs a day!!!! You modern cellphone using person, you!

    As you may already know, I struggle with the visualisation side of things. Its hard to let your mind delve into areas that you've told it were forbidden for so long. I think it is something that takes a lot of practice. And forgiveness. And I also think if you can't visualise it right now thats OK too.

    Your new job sounds like it has its merits. Of course it will be hard to be away from pleasantville (your chicken will surely miss you) but like you say, it's only for a year and you'll be knocked up and enjoying that maternity leave in no time. xx

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  16. How did I never comment on this? First of all, I'm excited for you about your new job, but sad that you'll have to be away from Mr. August and chicken all week. It's tough balancing this work-life thing, isn't it? I'm thrilled that you all have these appointments on your calendars; this is really happening! And congratulations on deciding to join the cellular community; we'll have you on an iPhone in no time. ;)

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  17. I have gotten very behind on my reader (bad ginger!) and am just now seeing this. I think it's so great that you're opening yourself to hope in this way.

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