Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The early November update

In point form:

  • The yoga workshop on trauma and stress I attended this weekend was really valuable. I learned a ton from it. A trusted teacher of mine was giving this workshop. I learned about important things in my body, not just in my head. I learned that sensations are just sensations, and that I can stay with those sensations as they come and go. This learning felt more accessible to me than what Energy Medicine Woman had to suggest. I have more trust invested in my teacher HL. That seemed to make a difference for me. The weekend provided further confirmation that I don't want to work with EMW at the moment.
  • I went to dinner at my friends who are new parents. As we say in French, I went walking backwards (j'y suis allée de reculons). I did almost call in uninterested or take Bunny's offer to punch them in the face. But in the end, I forced myself to go, thinking it was only delaying the inevitable. I made up a get out of jail free card that I had in my back pocket in case it got to be more than I could handle. I decided I would feign sudden nausea if I found myself too uncomfortable. I didn't need to use it. Dinner was fine. These friends are really nice, good people and I hadn't seen them apart from in passing since before the baby was born. The baby is totally gorgeous and smiles all the time. It was all fine. Except that because I need to survive these kinds of situations, the kind where you go into the intimate setting of new parents' bliss, I have to shut down parts of myself to survive. Because the dinner was in the midst of this yoga workshop, I noticed the shutting down more acutely. I can get through dinner and make as though everything is peachy, but the only way I've found to do that so far is to leave parts of me at home. I realized later that the evening was very hard on me. I noticed the shutting down especially as I left. The woman in the couple came out on the front porch with me after I had said goodbye to both of them. She very kindly (and nervously) told me that Mr. August had mentioned our infertility and she just wanted to let me know she understood if there were times when I could not be with them and their baby. She said she loves us and holds so dearly the possibility of us becoming parents. It was incredibly kindhearted and genuine. But I had numbed myself out already for the evening, so I wasn't able to let that in in the moment. What a shame that was. 
  • I am submitting the first draft of my dissertation today. Today. My conditioned patterns have taken over completely and I am convinced it's a complete piece of crap. But it's a piece of crap that will be out of my hands as of this afternoon. 
  • To celebrate submitting my thesis, I am going to Seattle! I've never been there, but it's intrigued me for a long time. Mr. August is in Vancouver on business, so he'll take the train down to meet me and we'll spend the weekend walking around and discovering a new city. It dawned on me that Seattle was the perfect city in which to conclude to the kind of year we've just had, one where SO MUCH RAIN has fallen. 
  • I hate flying. I get nausea and fear. See bullet 1 to know what I'm going to focus on while flying.
  • I'm so thankful for all your comments on the last post. I've continued to feel a bit down lately, but it's been soothing to read and reread your warm comments. Thank you.

16 comments:

  1. Hi Augusta!
    It is so wonderful when we get to do things that nurture our souls and help us learn more about our complexities. I am so glad that you found what you needed in the Yoga workshop. It actually takes a lot to search out, and keep searching, for the right things to meet our needs. But you did it!

    the comment that your friend made was so sweet. Don't feel bad for missing the moment, you were doing just what you needed to that evening to take care of yourself.

    I am so excited about your upcoming appointment! I can only guess that the anticipation is eating at you, but it is exciting to be moving forward, regardless.

    Oh how I would love to come up to Seattle to meet you :) You are going to have the most wonderful vacation. Seattle is a great town - we have so many good friends who have made it their home.

    love to you - Foxy

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  2. The yoga workshop sounds great. It must have been so hard to go to that dinner. I don't think I could have done it. It's true that you really do need to put a wall up when you put yourself into a situation like that. I find in those situations I keep the wall up, get home and it breaks quickly and I end up crying but then I feel better. Seattle sounds great. It will give you something to look forward to!

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  3. I am very proud of the progress you've made in the workshop and I will hang a veteran's infertility medal on you for getting your body through an evening with friends with baby. That shutting down reaction and is a survival instinct and the hope that you can do more than survive in short order is high. That was a great moment and I know the pain of missing those.

    On to Seattle, do the underground tour, it's interesting. My taste leans to super funky hipster things, so take all these recommendations with a grain of hipster seasoning. Shorty's (pinball, bar, hotdog) hard to explain, but I feel a great example of Seattle funky. Teatro Zinzanni is a splurge, and like a Cirque show mixed with dinner. Also, the city is very well known for cupcakes and I recommend trying one at every shop you come across! There's also Pike's place and there's a food tour there that folks really, really like. Drop me a line at auntmisfit(the part you delete)at(deletey pants strikes again)gmail(loo leee loo garbage)dotcom. I can hook you up with a discount at least on that one.

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  4. "the intimate setting of new parents' bliss"--that is such a right-on phrase, my Aoûty beauty, not to mention lovelily (new word!) said. We are friends with a couple who are two of my favorite people, and they had a little girl last June. The husband is so very deeply in love with her that he truly cannot help oohing and ahhing aloud in her presence, being super cutesy, etc. I love about him that he is so expressive, and how happy he is, but sometimes the whole thing hurts. I almost wrote a post about this a while back, around pumpkin-carving party time, when I spent the afternoon there with the three of them, but ended up deciding against it. So...I hears ya.

    The yoga workshop sounds wonderful; I'm so glad you were able to do that for yourself. You know what else is wonderful? Your dissertation! As it is said: done is the only virtue. And you are one virtuous little owl.

    Seattle is great! I think you all will really enjoy it. I went there alone a few years back to see a concert, and had a really nice couple of days there.

    Sending you love and huggles, my dear. I'll think of you as you fly over! xoxo

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  5. I was going to say that Sensitive Woman pretty much ruined her attempt at sensitivity by acknowledging your pain AFTER forcing you to have dinner with them (COW!), but then I got distracted by the fact that you submitted a draft of your dissertation! YOU SUBMITTED A DRAFT! HUGE! I'm so glad you're celebrating, even with something that forces you to be scared.

    Also, wow, the yoga workshop conclusions you drew sound soooo valuable. Boy do I know that numb sensation...how funny that some people must go through their whole lives never having to routinely shut down their emotions like that.

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  6. You recognized her kind words as a missed opportunity. I love that about you. It is so cool, so how I wish I could be. I don't know how to say it any better - just being direct. I love your style.

    The workshop sounds great. You have a special knack for hearing that new information and applying it directly. It will keep you safe and warm on the flight. Triangle breathing maybe? Enjoy your vacation in a great town.

    Congrats on the large victory of your thesis. As Queen of Procrastination, the feat is much akin to walking on water in my eyes.

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  7. Vacations are the best!!! I love a quick getaway. Not because they are a great time to "just relax" but because they are a great time to reconnect with awesome hubbies!! Or only one hubby...

    Thank is great about your dissertation! I'm sure that you have been staring at it to long for you to realize that it is awesome!

    Good luck with everything!

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  8. Woohoo, congrats on turning in draft 1! That's very exciting and definitely worth celebrating. Have fun in Seattle! I hope it doesn't rain too much for you. It's a lovely city.

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  9. Wow so many things going on! First of all major kudos and congrats on turning in your dissertation...amazing!!! I hope you guys have an incredible, relaxing time on your trip to Seattle. It is an amazing city and I hope the trip there isn't too full of anxiety as well.
    Glad to hear your friend handled things with such kindness and understanding, friends like that are such a treasure.
    Thinking of you:)

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  10. My dissertation was a piece of crap, and I couldn't care less. It did the job and I got those silly letters after my name. Hooray for submitting it! That is a big deal.

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  11. I am so impressed with how much you have accomplished AND for going to the dinner. I don't think I could do it.

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  12. You're handing in the first draft of your dissertation!! Well done, Augusta. And I hope you are able to have a fantabulous celebration in Seattle, that the rain holds off at the end of this year (both literally and metaphorically). I also think that the yoga workshop sounds very good, and is yet more proof that you made the right decision about EMW. You are open. But you are discerning about the experiences to which you are open. This is a very good thing.

    As for dinner...ach. I would not have handled that well. But I bet you handled what she said a lot better than you think you did. And the numbness...well, it's only self-protection (and she sounds sensitive enough, maybe, to get that).

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  13. I really love that you are so aware of your feelings and are able to be so present throughout everything. It's a skill to cling to Augusta.

    And I absolutely love the french saying about walking backwards. It seems to sum up the scenario perfectly.

    And don't feel bad for not being able to appreciate your friends comment. Your coping mechanism helped you in the early part of the evening and you had the grace and skill to appreciate her kind words even if you couldn't communicate that at the time.

    Hugs.

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  14. Yeah - good call on the Energy Woman. She was a bit heavy-handed for my taste.

    The "walking backwards" phrase is brilliant. I'd never heard it before. But how perfectly it illustrates how cautious we are around potentially upsetting situations - ready to bolt without having to even turn around.

    CONGRATS on turning in the dissertation!!!! Deadlines are awesome because they force you to be done with a project with which you will always be able to find something wrong. Deal it off, and forget about it for a while!

    Have a stupendous time in Seattle. I hope it's sunny for you.

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  15. That is a touching moment! Kudos to you for going and supporting your friends! This yoga workshop sounds awesome! I just featured your blog tonight! I hope you had a fabulous time in Seattle! Congrats on the dissertation!

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  16. I'm really late on this one...but wanted to say that I know just what you mean about numbing out. You have to jettison huge parts of your lived experience just to get through the day...or maybe that's just me. I'm sorry you weren't able to really feel your friend's kindness in the moment, but it sounds like you have a really lucid perspective on things and have been able to think over that moment since then. That's the beautiful thing about memory--even when things happen that you just can't handle in the moment, you can go back and process them later.

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