Sunday, October 31, 2010

this owl's flight

I gave Energy Medicine Woman her pink slip on Thursday. I did it nicely, explaining that it simply wasn't the right time for me to open up this pandora's box. It's not like I haven't looked in there before, mind you. I have and I will again. But the timing of doing it now to the extent she was proposing just sucks. I feel like my therapy appointments every two weeks and the work I do with Dr. Ninja is plenty. And gosh, on top of that, I'm attending a 15 hr yoga workshop on trauma and healing next weekend. Can you spell overload? My cortisol levels sure can. I gave the EMW a try and thought about returning, but in the end it didn't feel right. You all reflected that back to me so clearly in your comments. Thank you, women. You are the best.

Her reply to my email was interesting. Here's the first line: "I'm sorry to hear that your last session has left you struggling to concentrate on your thesis and feeling emotional. You do know that that means there is more work to be done :)" Dude! What is up with that? And then at the end she says she'll tell Dr. Ninja about "my decision". Am I 12 years old? Will I go to the principal's office for this? Anyway, I was mildly rattled by those little comments, but I also believe that she is a kind person and wants to help me. So, I've left the door open and may return at some point.

That felt like a good thing to do. I tried, it didn't sit entirely well with me, and I decided not to pursue it further. I used my own wisdom to guide my decision making. Where's the like button I can click?

On Friday, I had an acupuncture appointment followed immediately by an appointment with Dr. Ninja. I wondered what he would say and I thought that if he didn't support me, it would really be tough on me. I saw my therapist on Wednesday, and he was, as always, fantastic. Totally cut through all the crap and said that I knew exactly what was good for me and when. And yes I do know. Thank you. But Dr. Ninja is not someone I know as well and he is the one who referred me to EMW. My subconscious did funny things:

1) the night before, I had this very intense dream. In the dream, I was in my bedroom in my childhood home. The house was on fire. There was a man and a woman with me in the bedroom and we were looking to vacate the premises asap. I suggested running as fast as we could through the smoke and leaving through the front door. We opened the door to the hallway; the smoke was billowing thick and the man said we would die before getting out. We had to leave through the window. My mind was running a thousand miles per hour thinking about how we would get out through the window. I thought of bedsheets, tied together, and lowered to the ground from the second floor. Then they showed me the way out the window, where a steady, stable ladder was ready for use.  If you'll excuse a moment of Jungian analysis here, I'd like to point out that going back into the burning house was not the best option in my dream. 

2) On the acupuncture table, I had a vivid memory of working at this snooty clothing store when I was 17-18 and the boss was a crazy woman. I think she lived on coke alone, and I don't mean the kind that comes in a can. Anyway, one day, I did something she didn't like and tore a strip off me in front of the entire staff working that day (about 20 people). I hadn't thought about that incident in years, but there it was. I think I had this recollection during acupuncture because I was anticipating Dr. Ninja to scold me about ditching EMW.  Of course, I no longer am 17 and I would have very politely told him where to go had he tried to scold me, but I realized I was anxious about it.


Met with Dr. Ninja. The man is so warm, I had to loosen my scarf a little. We talked about the state of affairs in my body, my mind, my heart. He asked about my anxiety. I said it hadn't been awful, except for the day of and the day after seeing EMW, and followed that by telling him it didn't seem like the right time for me to be doing that. Except that he was already ahead of me. He said "your thesis! Very important to you!" Dr. Ninja totally got it. He immediately said that if the timing wasn't right, there would be no healing. He said that I had all the wisdom I needed, and that my decision was the best one for me. He reiterated that the goal was to make me as healthy as possible for the work I'm about to begin in my career and for raising a family.  Dr. Ninja thought I was changed already. He said my pulse had changed and with my report that my GI symptoms were almost all gone, he was totally pleased. Not as much as I am, let me tell you. It was a great appointment. The man even convinced me to stay off coffee a little longer.

I continue all the supplements and the bitter tea. I go to acupuncture once a week. And I otherwise keep on taking good care of myself. Next milestones: submitting the first draft of my thesis later this week or Monday the 8th. Appointment with Dr. RE on November 16, where we find out if Sattva can donate her eggs. Start my new job on December 6. Continue to floss, blog, eat peanut butter and do yoga.

Happy Monday, my beauties.
Your Augusta.

10 comments:

  1. Sounds like a) you are already doing lots to take care of yourself and b) you made the decisions you need to make to take care of you in the here and now c) are at peace right now for the most part.

    Proud of you!
    Jess

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  2. You are such an amazing proactive patient, good for you for doing what feels right for you & for standing up for that, it speaks volumes to the incredibly strong person you are!
    Sending positive vibes for peace & strength your way.
    Thank you for the kind comments on my blog, I swear you always know exactly what to say, it's really quite amazing. Receiving your comments is like this wonderful comforting hug that I didn't know I needed until I receive it. I hope that I return that favor for you at times because it means so much to me!

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  3. It is always best to go with your gut. Every time I go against it I regret it so good for you for knowing what is best for you and for following it.

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  4. Augusta, you made the right decision and I'm really glad that Dr. Ninja saw it, too. Going through all of this stuff has made me realize how many people out there believe that they have cornered the market on Truth. That theirs is The One True Path. And it just isn't so.

    Importantly, you listened to yourself and what you needed. And you do not need her work right now. Reading that e-mail, I became highly irritated. And the smiley face? Frankly, I'd like to shove it up her hoo-ha.

    You know exactly what you need to do right now. And you're doing it.

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  5. YES! One of the things that struck me about EMW was her lack of interest in the fact that you've been working on your...I was going to say "your Box" but that's a bit dirty...your history all along. It's not like you've refused to confront it! And I resent her tone in that e-mail. It's weirdly judgmental. Anyway, enough of her. So much amazing stuff coming up in the next few weeks. WOW. I look forward to cheering you on!

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  6. She sounds a little off. Challenging someone to a form of treatment doesn't really sound balanced to me. I sense she was rousing the gang against you when she planned to report your decision. Good for you to trust your instincts.

    I was cautious to comment when you had the option in front of you. The siren song entitled "With My Own Eggs" can pull stronger than anyone can imagine.

    Your task list cracks me up. Floss is rarely on my list and certainly never #1. You are a joyous nut and we are so lucky to have you.

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  7. I think you are remarkably grounded and in touch with what you need. Good for you, for making the decision and sticking with it, and hurray for Dr. Ninja, for understanding! EMW sounds like she may be very good at what she does, but not really a match for you.

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  8. You absolutely know what is best for you, and I am so glad that your therapist and Dr. Ninja know that, too -- they get you, and I like that! Best of all, YOU get you, and you're doing a great job being you, caring for you, and growing all through. Wishing you lots of love and sending you lots of support this week, especially with the "Big D." XOXOXO, H.

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  9. Like

    You are such a dear friend. I think Rebecca's comment summed up my feelings for you and the comments you leave on my blog as well. You are a dear friend and I cannot wait for Sattva's eggs to fill your basket. You've got a lot going on. It is amazing you can keep track of it all and still make time for flossing.

    I am so happy you are almost done with you thesis!

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  10. That comment from EMW would have sent me over the edge. Bloody hell. This further proves to me that you are making the right decisions by being selective about the input from others. Sure, she was helping, but maybe not exactly the kind of help you need to move forward right now.

    Dr. Ninja. Wow. I am relieved that went well and want to further express that you have set yourself to be in such a good place right now. That takes work.

    Seconding Roccie's comment as well. You = joyous flossing peanut (butter).

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