The last week has not been awful, not tragic, not insane, not chaotic. But it has involved revisiting my past. And so the last week has rattled me like a little earthquake. It really was only maybe a 4 on the Richter scale. Minor, but felt across the land of Augusta.
After I came back from my trip to my home province, I visited Energy Medicine Woman on Monday. That was a 3 hour appointment and she lives and practices an hour from where I live. So that involved a big chunk of the day. Keeping an open mind, I just decided to go with it.
For those of you who are new, this post explains about how I ended up consulting Energy Medicine Woman. Briefly, Dr. Ninja, my TCM doc recommended I go see her to work on my blocked energy. He felt that the reason I never went through puberty or had menstrual periods was because of trauma, something that rang true for me.
Energy Medicine Woman was less flaky than I had imagined. She was a pretty straightforward German woman, with kind eyes and a genuine smile. She took a lot of time to try to understand my history. And since she's good but doesn't yet read minds, it was my job to communicate that to her. I had to unpack that ugly past again, with of course lots of tears, and a sense of falling off the earth. We then did some reprogramming of my subconscious (yeah, baby, bring it on) with this thing she does called Psych-K, and followed that up with hypnosis. It was cool. I could dig it. I had to say these phrases à la Stuart Smalley. I could deal with that. During the hypnosis, she made me visualize being pregnant, delivering a baby, and hanging out with our kid at different ages. It was really nice to see those images.
But then the next night, it sort of turned on me. Having to talk about my past sort of stirred up the mucky bottom of the lake. There was lots of stuff on the CBC (Canadian equivalent of NPR) about the trial of a serial killer and rapist this week, and some details got to me. With Mr. August away this week on business, I ended up having a horrendous night on Tuesday. I realized that I was, what we call in my business, re-experiencing the trauma. So, as a kid (starting at 11), I was left alone at night until all hours. I was super scared and could never sleep until my dad came home (the Cakeless Monster (my mother: thanks for that one Bunny) had left by then and was living with a wife-beating narcissist. That happened night after night, and there was just nothing I could do about it. I would call my dad at work and beg him to come home, but he was drinking and had to close the bar after all the customers had left. Since then, empty houses have always been uncomfortable for me. It was useful to go through that on Tuesday, though. I realized on Wednesday that I was actually 11 years old all night and not 36, and that helped me have perspective on things. I had a much better night on Wednesday night, anchoring myself more firmly into the immutable fact that I am now a grown woman and can take care of myself very well, thank you very much.
(Please allow me a parenthesis here for a display of my indignant rage. People like THAT are allowed to have children and I'm not? And many of you have not been able to? I understand cognitively that life is not meant to be fair, but this pushes the limits of my understanding and acceptance.)
So, at some point this week, I looked up and said: "Ok, Universe, I get it. You want me to look at it. You want me to look at that whole mess of a catastrophe that was my childhood and adolescence and make even more sense out of it than I already have. Or release it, or whatnot. I can do that, Universe. I am game. But, crap, can you just let me write the final part of my dissertation first before I become frayed at the edges and perhaps much less functional? Can we make a deal here?"
And then I got an email from Energy Medicine Woman, which contained the following paragraphs:
"May I be as outspoken as Dr. Ninja, Augusta? :) I have been wondering whether you are perhaps rushing into the step of having your friend donate eggs for you? :) It might be the right decision, but I would like you to first understand why your body does not produce eggs at present, what limiting beliefs are possibly behind that fact. I did hear you say that you feel you are under time pressure but I would like you to give yourself enough time to find out why your body is responding that way. The donation might very well be the right way to go, and I will do everything I can to support you to reach your goal for a successful pregnancy and birth, just don't rush into anything. :) As Dr. Ninja is balancing the body physically, let's look at the emotional and mental side of things. That at least will help you to get your body ready for the pregnancy, possibly shift even more.
I think, it's safe to say that the reason for you never having had your period lies in the trauma of abandonment, neglect and emotional abuse that you experienced as a child. It could be that your subconscious decided at age 11 that it is safer not to grow up, and/or that it bought into the message of not being worthy to be alive and to have off spring. When you were 20 you had to override that negative belief and choose consciously that you do want to live. Not producing eggs to reproduce might be a remnant from that limiting and destructive belief that you do not deserve to live. :) "
Yes, that was exactly what I was hoping to hear. Another person thinking that the egg donation should be delayed. I was taken aback, but I didn't let it bother me too much. It's her opinion, and I don't have to follow it. And the egg donation, if it goes through, isn't going to happen next week. Our next appointment is for November 16, at which point a time line will be established only if we have the green light. Sattva's CD3 blood work may have shown that her reserves are running low, and this whole egg donation discussion will be moot.
In the mean time, I've felt a resurgence of empowerment, a clarification of priorities, a fuller appreciation of where I'm at as a whole person (wow, that makes it sound like a revelation. It wasn't exactly that. It was more like a quiet knowing). I'm doing my best with all the medical appointments and Dr. Ninja's prescriptions, but I need to make these practices mine and make them fit with my other priorities. So, at the moment, I need to finish writing the beast. That's a big priority. I've thinned out the acupuncture schedule a bit, I've delayed my next appointment with Energy Medicine Woman, and I am drinking black tea, dammit! I'm not shutting the door on doing the work to revisit my past, but I'm also wanting to be very careful in how I do that. And I want to keep moving forward with my current life.
Signing off, and hoping to get an hour or two of work before going out for a walk with Mr. August, who came home last night. YEAH! Thank you for your wonderful comments. Your encouragements and kind words mean so much.