Wednesday, September 15, 2010

chewing my nails

Hey, my nails are free of wheat, dairy and kidney beans. So I can chew on them, rest assured.

Ok, our appointment is Friday and I am nervous. If you haven't noticed yet, I'm an anxious little owl, and I am experiencing the prospect of our appointment on Friday as an 8 or 9 on the anxiety scale. Just to remind you: It is the appointment in which Mr. August, our lovely donor and I pile into the car and go visit the good doctor to talk about her eggs, with his sperm, in my womb.

I did not have a very good sleep last night. Mr. August was up with a sore throat, and each time I woke up, I found myself in that intensely irrational 4 o'clock in the morning place where fears are all of a sudden de facto realities. Can you see where I'm going? Yes, at 4 in the morning, I decided that our donor had backed out. I carried on thinking that all day, if you can imagine. I was making plans for calling the clinic to tell them to cancel the appointment (and the sonohysterogram. pity). I practiced what I would say to her so that she could feel ok with having to tell us this news. Like a strong and wild dog with me at the end of its leash, I let my fears spin me around the park a few times.

I wrote to our donor to make arrangements for Friday and even asked in my email "are you still up for this?" Which was met with "Of course, I'm still up for this!"

Yes, I must grab hold of myself and walk forward. Of course there will be fear, anxiety, worry, but who knows, I may get to excitement, anticipation, and effervescence even? I guess I won't know if I don't keep going.

14 comments:

  1. I know how freaked out you are, I have been there. I have high hopes that the appointment (and the sono) will go well. Good luck.

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  2. I too know how freaked you are right now too. Having just gone through a DE retrieval your emotions are so so normal. I HATE the 3AM/4AM anxiety games...why is it that our brains are so intensely irrational at that hour?? Ugh.

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  3. I don't know Lisa, but where do I sign up for a lobotomy? (and is it cheaper than IF treatments?)

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  4. It's just one nail-biting moment after another in this IF world. I am sure your appointment will go great!

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  6. Thinking of you & hoping you have a reassuring appointment Friday. Our fears can definitely get the best of us at times huh?! Stay strong! Thanks for all the kind words on my blog too...they are so appreciated:)

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  7. I will be thinking of you all Friday! I have a far less exciting appointment tomorrow with my OB/GYN so I will concentrate all of my "happy appointment" thoughts towards you! Be brave! And know that we all are wishing you all the luck in the world!

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  8. Oh my gosh!! I wish you so much love & hope for the appointment. xox!!

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  9. I'm so entirely like that, as well - convincing myself that the worst has happened, that it's off, all over. But you deserve for this to go without a hitch, Augusta. I hope tomorrow goes BEAUTIFULLY!

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  10. You can do it, you can do it! Have a wonderful appointment tomorrow; I'll be thinking of you. xoxo

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  11. I hope your appointment goes well.
    Get that crazy dog a shorter leash so he doesn't take you for such a spin next time. And what are you doing walking him at 4 am? j/k. I am so glad your donor was able to reassure you.

    Take Care

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  12. thinking of you and hoping that your appointment goes well! be sure to update us once you're done!

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  13. Thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful appointment today! Can't wait to hear all about it. So much love to you!!!

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  14. It's so hard not to expect the worst, I do it all the time too. I can just imagine how much lighter your load felt when you read those few words from your donor confirming everything was ok... complete bliss.
    I hope the appointment was wonderfully positive. Look forward to hearing all about it. x

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