Friday, August 6, 2010

Notes on impermanence

Todays' thoughts are brought to you by the letter I. I is for the self, of course, but also for Impermanence, which is what threads my thoughts around this necklace of a post, on this August 6th. I feel like since I've started learning about Buddhism in the late 90s, lessons about impermanence have been the most helpful and the most sobering. Impermanence means that I and everyone I love will die. Impermanence means that everything changes, all the time. Impermanence means that who I think I am is a mere illusion. But at the end of the day, breathing into the truth of impermanence has helped me through rough times. I hold on to the truth that difficult times will not last forever. Thich Nhat Hanh says that 'Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible'. And today, I choose to remember that. Here are a few thoughts.

Thought #1: Food poisoning will not stick around...much longer.

I thought I was all better from the food poisoning, but last night I had a little bit of a set back. Lots of unhappiness in the tummy. I ate about 1/3 cup of rice for dinner, as well as big cup of kefir, trying to repopulate my digestive tract with happy little friends. My morning has been slow, to say the least. Not having eaten much yesterday, I really wasn't able to jump out of bed. So, I didn't. That worries me of course. My productivity. My sense of accomplishment. My work. (Lions and tigers and bears, Oh my!). But I won't feel like this forever. I just had this bout of food poisoning. I'll be all better by tomorrow or the next day, for sure. I can count on things changing.

Thought #2: A bride's bouquet is lovely and compostable. Enjoy it later in pictures.

I looked at some of our wedding pictures this morning and wanted to share this one with you. I absolutely loved my bouquet and it's so nice to be able to still enjoy it through pictures. My bouquet survived for a long time after the wedding, almost 2 weeks and then we put it in our composter. You see, the day after our wedding, the furnace broke and our house was without heat for the week of our honeymoon (this was Canada in early March. Brrr. Cold). This meant that the flowers from our wedding, including my bouquet, were kept in the best possible conditions to survive. The bouquet lasted longer than I thought, but it did eventually have to go. I really like that we just composted it and it will make good soil for the garden. It didn't last in all its beauty, but here it is in pictures and in the soil.

Thought #3: Infertility sucks, but it doesn't mean we won't have a baby

I've been lurking on many blogs lately and find that many women are pregnant. As much as it feels like reading about these pregnancies would break my heart, it doesn't. It heartens me. I read about the veteran IFers, who've completed their 5th IVF cycles and finally got pregnant! I must say it brings me to question my negative attitude, grim prognosis, and fear of hoping. Sure, our situation is difficult and there are many hoops to jump through before the egg donor cycle can go ahead. But we have a donor! And we can borrow money! And things change! Yes, things change. Mr. August and I are not parents at the moment. But that absolutely does not mean we will not be parents in the future. You can see that I am loosening my grip on dire certainties.

Thought #4: Helping things change is not wrong (sorry about all the double negatives)

I made another phone call this morning. Yup! I did. And I am proud of myself. I have a friend who is also struggling with infertility. She has consulted with a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor in town and has found him to be excellent. She feels that her health has improved and that his interventions may help her conceive. So, I called to make an appointment. In preparing for the donor cycle, this surely cannot hurt. I've also been wondering about food sensitivites and it may be the right avenue to explore this issue. I'm most certainly not thinking that this doctor can cure the hypothalamic amenorrhea, although that would be swell (I may have to visit Disneyworld for that kind of cure). However, I think it can help prepare my body for a pregnancy, should the egg donation be successful. My appointment is September 28th, but she put me on the cancellation list for an earlier appointment.

Those are all my tidbits on impermanence for now. Thanks so much for reading. And for writing.


  1. I really like this post. This is one of my favorite quotes:

    "Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well. ~ Buddha"

    I wish you luck on trying the acupuncture/ eastern medicine!

    (And BTW- who had their 5th cycle work? This gives me hope too as I head into #4....And keep your head up I see lots of successful DE stories! 2010 may be our year, and if not, it doesn't mean we won't have our babies. We will.)

  2. Your bouquet was beautiful, thanks for sharing. I am hopeful that your DE cycle will work. :)

  3. Oh man, I really really want to see the Cure Hypothalamic Amenorrhea ride at Disneyworld!

    That bouquet is so lovely! I remember really wishing mine would last forever. And I like #3 a lot. It DOESN'T. (Of course, for me it is important to remind myself that it doesn't mean we will, either, but I take your point!)

  4. I hope that your cycle works!

    Thanks for sharing your insights and also the picture of your bouquet. Beautiful!

  5. You're absolutely right about impermanence - and it is both frightening and thrilling. The application to our situations that I've found most helpful is this: we won't always be where we are now. Wherever it is, it will be different. And while there are no guarantees contained in that, it makes me feel better.

    And that's wonderful about your consulting the TCM doc. I think it's always better to know just a bit more about how things in your body work, and to get your body ready so that it can do its absolute best.

  6. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm very happy to discover yours and have been trying to catch up a bit.
    I thought this was a beautiful post and really like your ideas about impermanence - it helps to keep that in mind when going through all this IF stuff.
    And your bouquet was indeed beautiful. I'm afraid to say that I dried mine out (peonies don't dry too well) and wrapped it up and put it in a shoe box 4 years ago - I'm afraid to look at it now. I'm sure it would have been better off in a compost pile.
    Good luck as you move forward!

  7. I love how you write your feelings and thoughts. You have such a wonderful outlook on your life experiences. I will have to remember this quote you shared: 'Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible'. I like that.

  8. My only real-live IF friend is a the proud mother of a baby conceived by donor egg. While she could ovulate, she never became pregnant with any of her eggs. But she WAS successful with a donor egg. It truly can work and it is possible for you.