Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Anticipating Tomorrow

Tomorrow at this time, I will be driving to our appointment with the RE. As some of you know, the reason why we are meeting with the RE is that we need to discuss egg donation. A donor came forth in June, and we need to see whether this is possible.

It's difficult for me to feel positive. I wish I could. I feel like this process deserves my positive thoughts and feelings.

At the moment, all I am thinking of are the road blocks that would stop us from going ahead. Here is a sample of what goes through my mind when I think of the ED: 1) The donor will change her mind, 2) The clinic will think she is too old, 3) my RE will reveal that since the gonadotropin stimulation did not work for me, the egg donation will not result in a viable pregnancy 4) we won't be able to afford it in the end, 5) I am a complete and utter failure in every way including becoming a mother.

Ok, I agree, the last one is too harsh. But numbers one through four are worthy of my worry. And I guess the only way to assuage those worries, OR to confirm them, is to go to the appointment and discuss it with the one who has the medical degree and the decades of experience getting infertile women pregnant.

The other part that worries me is this one. The last time I went to the clinic in February (read about it here) it rattled me a great deal. It was the first time I returned after the last and final cycle, and not surprisingly, I had a huge emotional reaction. Tears are fine with me in general. I also encourage them in others, every chance I get. But somehow, crying when I'm required to be coherent and put together fills me with shame. I can just hear my mother yelling at me to get it together. So with regards to tomorrow's appointment, I fear what going back to the clinic will do to me. The added piece is that the hospital in which the clinic is located is where I did my residency. And that was such a great experience for me, and I haven't been that happy professionally since. So, there are losses associated with that place.

But chin up, Augusta. Remember this is hopeful. There could be a baby waiting for you at the end of this road.

9 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are feeling so anxious about the appointment. I can tell you that I have experienced the same feelings as you regarding egg donation. It is a scary process and some of your fears came true for me, BUT, I am still thankful that I did do it. Even though my first transfer did not end the way I wanted, I still have chances.

    I hope your appointment goes well and you have a new path.

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  2. I can't really imagine a situation where not being able to stimulate with gonadotropins would equal not being able to get pregnant. I mean heck, mothers in their 60's who are in menopause can still carry a baby. I really hope the RE works to calm your fears with this and your other questions.

    I am sure there is lots to be anxious about in this situation, and this is a good first step. Wishing you luck...

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  3. I understand your anxiety. You pay a lot of money and there are no guarantees. However, you would be miserable if you didn't try at all. Hoping for the best for you!

    T

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  4. UGH, I can certainly imagine how unpleasant it will be to go back, but I am hopeful the difference in Game Plan will make it easier than last time. (Love the Neko Case song mentioned in that post, by the way.) And I HATE crying in front of my RE, but perhaps if you warn him (sounds like it's a him) up front that it's a risk, you'll feel less like you're wasting his time if it happens. I've had to ask mine to step out of the room so I can have a sobfest and then we can get back on track. I hope none of your fears are realized. But either way, if you're at all like me, knowing is better than not knowing. I'll be thinking of you.

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  5. I know how nerve-wracking this can be, but I'm excited for you and the prospect of finding success with a donor. I agree that there is no reason that not being able to stim would affect the ability to carry a baby. They just need to get your lining nice and thick, and voila! (Of course, it's not totally that simple, but you know what I mean.) And it must also suck to return to the scene of the crime, but hopefully you'll be able to see it as a huge step forward. I'll be thinking of you as well!

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  6. That is a whole lot to face in one visit, and I fully understand that dread. I'm also expecting good things for you and hopful good news as part of the appointment.

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  7. Augusta, you gave yourself the best piece of advice in the end of your post. There is every reason to believe that at the end of this road, there will be a baby waiting for you. I know that this is difficult and I know that you have reasons to be nervous and apprehensive. Hold onto that hope, though.

    I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. What time is your appointment? Mine is at 11:30.

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  8. I hope all goes well at the appt tomorrow. I am sure any of us would have these same questions (even number 5--even though we all know it wouldn't be true as well).

    You are absolutely right--there could be a baby waiting at the end of the road. I can just imagine a little bassinet sitting on the side of egg donor street waiting for you to pass by. Go to the appt w/ your chin up, you can do this!

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  9. There IS a baby waiting for you at the end of this road. It's just getting there that is horrible and difficult. And I know exactly what you mean about returning to the site of past heartache. It's part of the reason why I switched OB/GYNs. I had a great doctor, but I couldn't stand the idea of going back to that office, back to the room where she told us that things weren't viable with #2. (Incidentally, I WAS in that room as a follow up and left in tears).

    I'm thinking good thoughts for your discussion today, Augusta. And I highly doubt that your doc will tell you that DE's won't be suitable. I can imagine it's going to be a difficult conversation in many ways. But that baby is there, in your future. (And no, I don't have a crystal ball but I just can't believe it's going to be otherwise!).

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