Tomorrow at this time, I will be driving to our appointment with the RE. As some of you know, the reason why we are meeting with the RE is that we need to discuss egg donation. A donor came forth in June, and we need to see whether this is possible.
It's difficult for me to feel positive. I wish I could. I feel like this process deserves my positive thoughts and feelings.
At the moment, all I am thinking of are the road blocks that would stop us from going ahead. Here is a sample of what goes through my mind when I think of the ED: 1) The donor will change her mind, 2) The clinic will think she is too old, 3) my RE will reveal that since the gonadotropin stimulation did not work for me, the egg donation will not result in a viable pregnancy 4) we won't be able to afford it in the end, 5) I am a complete and utter failure in every way including becoming a mother.
Ok, I agree, the last one is too harsh. But numbers one through four are worthy of my worry. And I guess the only way to assuage those worries, OR to confirm them, is to go to the appointment and discuss it with the one who has the medical degree and the decades of experience getting infertile women pregnant.
The other part that worries me is this one. The last time I went to the clinic in February (read about it here) it rattled me a great deal. It was the first time I returned after the last and final cycle, and not surprisingly, I had a huge emotional reaction. Tears are fine with me in general. I also encourage them in others, every chance I get. But somehow, crying when I'm required to be coherent and put together fills me with shame. I can just hear my mother yelling at me to get it together. So with regards to tomorrow's appointment, I fear what going back to the clinic will do to me. The added piece is that the hospital in which the clinic is located is where I did my residency. And that was such a great experience for me, and I haven't been that happy professionally since. So, there are losses associated with that place.
But chin up, Augusta. Remember this is hopeful. There could be a baby waiting for you at the end of this road.