Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Magnanimity and the grateful heart
A daily entry is something I strive for, but I have not reached cruising altitude on that goal yet. This mirrors where I am with my work. I have been working full time on finishing my PhD dissertation since July 19. I was trying to finish it part time while I was working since September 2009, but that did not get me very far. With the failure of our fertility treatments in October and the job, I did not have much left to give to the ol' dissertation. I quit said job on June 30, which I would describe as one of those 'I'm going to be on my own team' sort of decision. I'm very good at taking care of a lot of people, but it's taking good care of myself that I'm working on at the moment. So, I haven't reached my cruising altitude in either my blog entries nor in my dissertation work. And here is what I am trying to believe about that: It's ok: I will get there.
Before I get back to my statistical analyses (which are fun actually, as hard as that is to believe), I wanted to just share a dream I had last night. It is kind of fuzzy at this point, but it seemed pretty vivid when I woke up. In the dream, I had gone through the process of egg donation. The dream involved the minutia of every little step needed to go through it. I don't remember exactly what it involved, but I remember there were many, many steps. And then, it was over! I was pregnant. And really, really, really scared of having a miscarriage. I was scared to move or to laugh or anything. I kept thinking that a simple sneeze would take this gift away. And then I woke up.
I guess as we go ahead and plan for the egg donation, my mind is trying to wrap itself around what it will entail. I met with my friend who is offering to donate eggs this week and she is still fully on board. I was glad to meet with her and glad we had a chance to talk further about the donation. I feel so afraid of taking something away from her that is essential to her vitality. It's a big fear of mine that the treatments will make her uncomfortable or ill, and that she will be diminished by the process. She is such a beautiful, beautiful person. I wouldn't want anything, least of which something she does for us, to take away from who she is. So, as we talked I started crying, of course, and said it was too much to ask of her. And in her kindness, she said that I never asked and that she wants to do this. She explained that there are so many ways she would like to help the world, like volunteer in third world countries, or take in foster children, but that she feels she can't do those things (She's a professional and mom to 2 young girls). She said that donating eggs is something she CAN do to help the world, and help us.
Wow. That's a generous heart.
Because of my early history, I have always had such a hard time with needing something from another person. Egg donation is confronting me with this challenge in such a significant way. I need something that another person has and can give. And I won't be able to give something back to her that is commensurate. And I just have to let that be. So. Hard.
If hers is the generous heart, mine must be the grateful one then.
I guess I'll work on that when I'm taking breaks from my dissertation.