Thursday, November 26, 2009

tears

I still can't say it without crying. Here, let me try: "The fertility treatments have failed". Yep, misty in the old eye region. I had to say it to an old friend on the phone last night, and I choked on the words. I'm finding myself unable to share this terrible news without experiencing the grief afresh. It feels like the words coming out of my mouth make this more real, I suspect much like when people have to tell others that their loved one has died. Not that I'm comparing types of grief here.

I suspect this will become easier, or perhaps, less relevant over time. That I will be able to tell people (or even write it on my blog) without the tragic reification of the facts. People are ready to hear our plans for adoption and I think that's very appropriate for them to be asking. I think I'm just in a stupor about it, a bit hopeless and not back from the underworld yet. Maybe again it's akin to being asked when you're going to start dating after your spouse has died. Our loved ones want us to move forward and I want this as well.

Except that rushing through grief is not all that useful. I treat people who've tried that. Grief is even more painful it seems when you have to unpack it from behind all that you've put over it to block it's presence. So it seems I will be required to continue with my tears, so long as I think going through this is a better idea than going around it.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry to hear of your dissapointing news, Augusta. And I want to say that you are welcome to use my "Mommy and Baby Owl" illustration on your lovely blog. May you feel better soon. Hugs to you! -- cathy

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